Post # 1
I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone here at the hive, you have all been lovely and helpful and I hve enjoyed being here so much.
Yesterday I gave my SO his engagement ring back after having already moved back our wedding date in May (up to “date unknown”) and him dragging his feet since then. He clearly loves me, but is not ready to tie the knot. After 9.5 years in a relationship and he still doesn’t “feel like now is a good time” to even talk about it, I decided for my happiness and sanity it’s time to give up that dream. I just turned 41 on Friday, and it just ain’t gonna happen. (I wanted to be married by at the latest 40!)
I am so sad and hurt (and I do feel a bit cheated too). Since he didn’t thrust the ring back at me and say “Don’t be ridiculous, sweetie, put that ring back on!” I know that things are basically dead on the marriage point. I don’t want to ‘make’ him marry me. (not that I could anyway) Now I really know that he never asked me to marry him from his heart, but only because he knew I was gonna leave if things didn’t move forward. (I swear girls, I did not hound or torture him. I was clear and honest. Not more, and not less.)
So in the next few days (unless anything major changes) I am getting rid of all of my “wedding porn”, erasing my account at the Wedding bee, my boards on pinterest and am gonna try to move on and be happy in the non-married relationship with the man I love. What else is there to do? He is a kind, generous and amazing person. Just not the marrying kind.
I have also decided to look for a therapist to talk about my relationship and this choice because I am definitely not well with this issue. I feel like I was robbed. It hurts almost physically.
I am grateful for words of wisdom and/or support. Also: goodbye all! You’re all lovely and wonderful!
(I might have to travel in the next hours, in case I cant respond to any messages right away. I will respond, however, before I delete my account!)
Shesaidyes (-and it was a mistake)
Post # 3
@Shesaidyes: (Hugs) So sorry this is happening. But from what you’ve written you’ve made the right choice. Take good care of you in the next days & weeks! Have friends and family take your mind of things! Enjoy life!
Post # 4
I’m so sorry OP. I hope things work out for you (whether that is staying with him or moving on to a different relationship with someone who wants more of the same things).
Post # 5
I’m sorry that you have had to experience such a heartache. It sounds like you made the right decision though, and I think you’re smart to get counselling as I think this will be a big hurdle you both, as a couple and individuals, will have to jump over. My best wishes go out to you and I hope you pull through ok. make sure though that he’s worth giving up the “marriage idea” for, as you don’t want to regret that you didn’t go out and find someone who was the marrying type.
Post # 7
@Shesaidyes: Hugs to you. your post made me sad. Sounds like you know what you’re doing Though I’d love to know what he said when you gave the ring back. Don’t give up on your dream! I hope counseling will help you get through this:) With any luck you may be posting on the bee again soon!
Post # 8
awww girl I’m so sorry! You are doing the right thing though. I assure you that you will find happiness, whether it be with a person or just a new found hobby until the right one comes along! You value yourself and your life and that is a GREAT thing. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. If you dont value and respect yourself you can never expect it from anyone else. ((HUGS))
Post # 9
Oh I’m sorry 🙁 Try to move on and enjoy your life.
Post # 10
You sound like a wonderful person to be staying with the man you love, even though he’s shown that he’s not ready for marriage. I hope he is someday – maybe this will be food for thought for him! It’s a huge decision on your part, and it sure says a lot about you – you’ve got a hell of a lot more commitment than many married couples!
I wish you two a lifetime of happiness together if you stick with each other.
If not – I wish you happiness and an abundance of amazing people in your life!
Post # 11
@Shesaidyes: i’m sorry that you are going through this. is marriage something that you really wanted or is the relationship itself more important than a piece of paper?
what do you truly want?
i hope that you don’t become resentful about waiting and then just “teased”.
i wish you luck with everything. you don’t have to leave the bee just b/c you are not planning a wedding. we are also here to chat with when you are having a bad day.
Post # 12
I am really sorry to hear this. You must feel devastated. I applaud your guts to give the ring back (knowing that marriage is not really what he wants). I hope you are able to either find peace with your decision to stay with him or strength to move on and find someone new (I’m not implying that you are not strong for staying with him–I just know it would take major strenght to move on).
Good luck and consider staying on the bee for support.
Post # 13
Oh, I’m sorry he let you down like this. For what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision. Good luck!
Post # 14
Hello everybody, thanknyou all so much for the replies!
Well, as it turns out I’m pretty devestated about the calling off of the engagement (more so than I thought)
i feel ashamed of the tan lines signifying where my ring was, I am being evasive to my SO and sometimes hurtful to him and I’ve even begun to secretly plan moving into my home office (turning it into a bedroom and office) because I just feel like I want to be alone. I’m really not proud of how I’m acting (because I feel like i want him to feel hurt too) And I feel like instead of feeling more committed and understanding I am more putting up a wall between us, but I just cant seem to help it. Did I mention I’m really really angry? Well I am. Really really REALLY angry.
I KNOW IT’S AWFUL AND MEAN but I am just so hurt.
I am thinking I’m grieving and am gonna give myself a little time with this, but my general feeling is I’m really not well with all this at all.
Thanks for letting me vent here folks, feel like you all can understand.
Post # 15
I’m so sorry to hear, but you have to be true to yourself and what you want in your life. The way you feel is not awful or mean, it’s the way you feel and you have no reason to apologize for the way that you feel.
What’s most important is that you take care of yourself and do whatever you feel will help you. The tan line will fade and if you feel that right now you need that distance than by all means take it. By continually putting off the date he was taking his distance so you take yours.
My thoughts are with you.
Post # 16
@Shesaidyes: ::hugs:: …but can I say…am glad I saw you post that you were angry. After reading the first post, that was my first thought. You appeared to be so okay with everything. I hope you figure out what you want – whether it be in the relationship or out of it. Good luck, hun!