- 4 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
I have a situation. I moved in with my boyfriend (we got engaged about a year and a half ago, but post-poned and he plans to propose again…)at the end of May 2014. And immediately upon moving in, I felt no passion when making love. Just the weeks before which led to moving in were so passionate and heated. I struggled to personally combat this. And within the month, I ended up feeling him more. It was grand, until his child came to stay with us for the summer. Now, I really don’t regret us having his kid here, but rather how things began to develop. I was doing a lot, cleaning, cooking three meals a day, buying groceries, etc.
Long story short, we had a lot of ups and downs, and at first if I was exhausted and he was home, he would help me out with the kitchen or whatever else, such as laundry. But when I began work in August, and I was really tired…he nagged and complained that I wasn’t doing anything. We would go back and forth alot. I shared my experiences we were having with an online counselor and after hearing the whole story, she felt that he was verbally abusive and that I should reconsider the relationship. One day, after five months, I just packed up all my stuff and moved out while he was at work. It hurt him, and made him realize how valuable I am to him. He asked me to come talk that week. So I did, against my intuition. As soon as we hugged, he broke down in tears. He then opened up to me, which he hadn’t done much of since this summer. I believed that he really does love me, and I told him we could still date, but I wouldn’t live with him.
At some point during that week, I began to feel like I needed to move on. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t know how. So, I just decided that I would explore my options and hang out with another guy. I figured I would tell him that I was ready to move on later when I decided how. So I hung out with this guy, and I ended up sleeping with him. I was so enamored that I was convinced I needed to break it off with boyfriend for sure. Does it count as cheating if I had only told him that we would still date? When I went to see him right after I left the other guy’s house because he told me he wanted to talk to me I figured that would be a good time to tell him its over: face to face. But when I went to tell him, I was unable to. I realized then, that I never wanted to lose him. That I was sorry for what I did. Although, he did not know what I had done at that time. We ended up making wild passionate love, that was the best ever!!! better than the other dude, better than what we had ever had together.
He didn’t know then. About a week later, he asks me did I sleep with the guy. I told him yeah. And he was like “it doesn’t feel the same”. And he has been awkward in bed ever since. I feel bad because his insecurities make it hard for me too. Why does he keep wanting to have sex, when all he does is visualize me and the other guy?
I feel like I never should’ve left him, I feel like I made a huge mistake. I want to earn his trust back. I want a life with him.
He has told me that he wants to be with me despite what has happened. He says he wants pre-marital counseling. We start tomorrow at noon. He told me he has my ring off layaway and getting sized (we had a small disagreement and in frustration he told me what he had been planning). We have a trip planned for the Holidays about which he said he planned to propose (even though I’ve asked him not to tell me any details)…I am at a cross roads because I feel like if I can’t completely earn his trust, I don’t want to be in the relationship. I did not sleep with someone else to hurt him, I did it because I felt like he had hurt me, and I wanted to do something for myself and fall in love again. At first, I really did think the guy was falling for me, but after learning that he knows my boyfriend and that he’s kind of a player (possibly), I have realized it wouldn’t be wise to leave my partner for him.
I have actually been made aware by my boyfriend that I have hurt him many times, and betrayed his trust by discussing our relationship with people who are not my friends. He says I am making him look bad and hurting his reputation. I agree that I’ve done this.
There are some details I have left off this post. But hopefully you can get the gist. I am seeking advice on how to win his trust and to actually be trustworthy. It hurts to not be trusted, it makes me want to run away. I have a pattern where when it comes to commitment, I usually run away or do something to sabotage the relationship. It has been a ridiculous pattern that I am definitely attempting to break. It is time for me to settle down, and we have been discussing putting God back first in our lives and finding a place of worship, and getting married. I really want it. And yes, I have made mistakes, but I feel I have learned. Fidelity is important. I do sometimes have this nagging thought in my head that I could find happiness elsewhere, but I also have the feeling that if I put as much energy into what I already have as would into something new, I can make what I have awesome!!!
Basically, I am seeking encouragement, hope, faith, and advice. I need to know what to do. Please help. Thanks.