Post # 1
My single life used to revolve around living downtown where I had easy access to city life which I loved…generally hustle and bustle. If I wasn’t at home, I was travelling extensively for work (up to 3 months a year), social drinks on weekends and drinking café lattes on the trendy shopping strips with my girlfriends.
Then I met my boyfriend and really felt he was “the one”. In order to get to see him more often and make something long term of this, I gave up my single city girl lifestyle, left my job for a new one and moved in with him. The catch? He lives 2 hours drive from downtown in a quiet suburbia life where everyone is settled into domestic bliss. In my old job, everyone was fun, young and hip whereas nowadays, all my new colleagues talk about is their kids and everywhere I go, its construction of new houses and quiet local shopping strips. It doesn’t help that we both have exes that have married and moved into the same area (very popular new suburb for young families) so we bump into them every now and again.
Its been very tough as I have nothing in common with anyone, no longer go out on weekends, travel for any reason and its just too quiet…I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of lifestyle for at least another 2-3 years. I don’t want my life to revolve around my boyfriend so I’m trying to get back into studying and make the effort to drive out to see my friends, however its not the same. I’m still craving the buzz of new experiences and missing the “busy-ness” that comes with city life, while trying to find that transition into domestic bliss. Any similar experiences? How did you transition from one lifestyle to another?
Post # 3
Can you move back downtown, if you aren’t ready to settle down? I totally understand how you feel and it would be very difficult to miss a certain lifestyle, if you aren’t ready to give it up.
I just turned 36. Up until I’d say 33ish, I had a very busy, active ‘city girl’ lifestyle. Since then, I’ve transitioned and LOVE my domesticated life. I really don’t miss the other life AT ALL. I think you only get one shot at life and if you aren’t happy where you are at – you should go back to downtown.
Would it make a difference living in suburbia if you guys were married? Could the Boyfriend or Best Friend move downtown to be closer?
Post # 4
It sounds like you gave up your old lifestyle to match his. Is it possible for the two of you to compromise, instead? Like, move someplace that has a bit more going on even if it’s not right downtown? Or could you keep the relationship going if you moved back downtown and just saw him on weekends? I would really not be willing to move to the suburbs for a relationship if there were any other option.
Post # 5
@oracle: Thanks for the ideas, oracle. However where I used to live is VERY expensive to rent (could never afford to buy property downtown), so economically, its more reasonable for us to keep the house. Especially since my man has spent the last 6 months working on the house and its perfect for the domestic life in every way so he’d like to stay for at least another 2 years. He also hates moving!
Just trying to find a way to cope and continue to do my own thing until we do get married and can afford a place together, closer to everything. 🙁
Post # 6
Part of it may be that you have left a lot of friends behind? so making new friends? Join a class of something that interests you.
What if you made an effort to still go for drinks for friends, meet your bf after work for a drink before going home. They must have bars there, no?
Plan to spend one weekend a month or every other month in the city with your friends.
In the city its easy and natural to do a lot, but in the suburbs you have to search it out. It takes more effort.
Think about the things you can do where you are that would make it better for you.
Explore the area on the weekends. What is within driving distance you havent done before? Is there a state park you can pack a picnic? A great restaurant? Rock climbing gym? etc
Post # 7
@lefeymw: Have done the local cinemas a few times already, and the restaurants are no where as good as what I’m used to, guess its all about adapting. I’ll look into different activities, thanks for the ideas. Maybe I’ll do a regular drinks with friends who live closer to me. 🙂
Think I’m also feeling a little envious that my old colleagues keep me up to date on the latest international trip they go on and all the fun stuff they got up to! Definitely need new friends…
Thanks so far, just needed to figure out how to make this work, been feeling so down. I think my friends are sick of hearing how much I miss city life, I went wild on a shopping spree last month when I met up with them, hah!
Post # 8
@blinx81: I moved from the city to a sleepy town for college. The ways I stayed sane were: make scheduled trips to the city. That way – you can get your city fix and have a future trip to look forward to. You will start to find things in sleepy town that are enjoyable… but at least you’ll have regular intervals of the life you miss. It will get easier over time – but it IS a difficult change.
Post # 9
I have the opposite problem. I have been living in an extremely remote location in the middle of the woods for the past 14 years. The nearest neighbor or even dirt road is over 1/2 mile away. The closest place to get gas or milk is 10 miles away. The landowner now wants to develop the property and he turned down our offer to buy. So now we are looking for a new home (and property) to purchase. The idea of living near anybody is totally freaking me out! Like I am used to nude sunbathing and letting the cats run free. I am used to deer, turkeys and bears in my yard. I am NOT used to living around people any more and I totally dread the thought of neighbors!
Post # 10
@blinx81: I am in your exact same situation. My Fiance PREFERS this. I don’t get it! I mean, in terms of kids, sure… I don’t want to pay for Montessori downtown, but my God.
It was a gradual process. I usually seek solace in coffee shops and, recently, college classes. I would look into events, though. It may be time to meet new people – not everyone is going to be yoga-panted moms. 🙂
Post # 11
definitely been there and I moved back. I moved from NY to the DC area into the ‘burbs. I was bored.to.death and I just couldn’t take it so I moved to the the city (DC) and I will probably never move to the ‘burbs again unless it’s absolutely necessary for better schools for my kids or something of that magnitude. Yes, it’s loud, it’s crowded, and more expensive but I love. I moved from a 1100 sq foot apt in the burbs to a 500 sq foot one in the city that was $200 MORE a month and I have never regretted it.
If your guy isn’t against it, move back to the city or at least closer.
Post # 12
Sounds like you need to make the most of your current situation. I second the poster who said you need to reach out to find new friends in your area. It’s really hard to find women who have already settled into the suburban lifestyle (husband, dogs, kids) who make time for friends….you just have to work hard to find women who are like you in the area and initiate fun activities with them. Join a women’s exercise class (hiphop/cardio dance is always good!) and plan weekend girls trips to the city. Good luck!
Post # 13
Why don’t you get your Fiance to compromise and move closer to the city? It sounds really unfair that he got to keep his life the way it was, but you had to give up all this stuff you love. I think having an enjoyable lifestyle in common is really, really important in a marriage!
Also, i’m with you – my soul dies a little bit every time I visit a suburb **shudder**
Post # 14
Go back downtown, I moved to suburbia with my husband and it BLOWS. I don’t want to have kids here (even if the schools are “better”), I don’t want to live here AT ALL. Luckily, with the military I know we’ll move again in a couple years, and I can wait.
Don’t compromise on what makes you happy in your core. If you’re depressed, your relationship won’t be enough to bring you out of it if the setting is really that wrong for you. ( I mean, I’m speaking from my own experience, yours may well be different, but that is all I know.)