Post # 1
I haven’t been here in quite awhile. My story: 2 1/2 years ago my boyfriend took me out ring shopping. Since then I’ve been waiting. We had a talk this past summer, decided to use my deceased mother’s ring…..and after two months of waiting for a proposal, finally confronted him. To make a long story short, he doesn’t want to propose until his finances are in order.
I have given up. I am heartbroken. I am pretty sure this is an excuse. Now I am filled with thoughts that he doesn’t want to marry me at all, even though he says he feels like the biggest jerk ever that it’s taken this long. I think he’d be happy just contiuning on the way we have been. He is 50, I am 48. I pretty much removed myself emotionally from him since this discussion. I figure, why keep being the awesome girlfriend that i am and get nothing in return? That behavior just made ME miserable, so in the past month I’ve changed my tune. I am being the loving, sexy, person that I was before. Why? Well, I love the guy. But that being said, I have given myself a timeline. If he hasn’t proposed by next Spring, when I plan on selling my house and the plan is to move back into his, I am done. I will not move into his home unless we are engaged. I am not young, I need the legal and financial committment and if he’s not willing to go there, I need time to find someone else who is while I’m sorta still goodlooking. I have stopped anything and everything wedding related. No more looking at any wedding stuff, and he will not be hearing me mention it at all, until I ask him to give me back my mother’s ring and I’m out the door.
Post # 3
@karenk92: Awww **big hugs* im so sorry your going Thur this luv and i don’t blame you for wanting to walk out especially since you guys have had the talk and still 2 1/2 years and nothing?!?! hes lucky you are still around. if hes not financially secure at 50 he never will be. he needs to put a ring on it ; ) good luck and i hope everything works out for you luv
Post # 4
This nonsense of “I’m not financially secure enough to be a husband but think its reasonable to ask you to wait around for me, ring-less.” is SO weird. I’m sorry, hon, and hope things turn around for y’all!
Post # 5
Hugs. I’m really sorry to hear this. But I think you are handling it well. You have a walk timeline in your head, you are not moving in with him and starting to think of you more. Keep yourself busy, pick up hobbies, go out with friends. I do think at his age he should have his finances in order or be able to look past that and ask you regardless if you are ok with where he is financially. Stay strong and hang in there.
Post # 7
Hugs girly! You are from my city so I take this so much more personally. You are doing the right thing for YOU… And there will be days that you questions yourself but you know what you need to be in a healthy committed relationship. If it isn’t him, he is blocking you finding “him”. I applaud you for taking this big step to finally ending the limbo.
Post # 8
@blinkingSTAR: AGREED. Especially because, at his age, his finances should have been in order for a while. Lots of love. <3
Post # 9
@blinkingSTAR: Agreed #2. It sounds like he’s just making excuses to keep you. If it’s been 2 1/2 years since you started talking about getting married, he’s had plenty of time to get everything in order.
Post # 10
why keep being the awesome girlfriend that i am and get nothing in return: you are so damn right and I totally understand you (being almost the same age!).
You’ve been together long enough and talked about marriage before. If he really loves you, he should have proposed already, even when he doesn’t have the funds to buy a ring, but that doesn’t seem to be the reason.
At our age we want more that just “being someone’s girlfriend” but obviously men think different and maybe do not need the commitment to feel comfortable.
Take some distance from him, plan some things on your own (friends, family visits) and pay less attention to him. Maybe one day he might notice your behaviour and ask “what’s wrong?”.
That’s the moment you tell him that a “girlfriend” still has her own life, which might differ from a “fiancee” or a “wife”. If he doesn’t meet your needs, why would you meet his? A man his age should get the clue and if he doesn’t it’s time to let go!
Post # 11
@karenk92: You are such a brave woman. You deserve so much more than he is willing to give. I really wish you happiness in your life.
Post # 12
At 50 years old I think the “I want to get my finances in order” excuse is pretty lame. I think it’s a bit more understandable if it’s like a guy in his 20s who just finished college or something…but in your situation, this would be totally unacceptable for me. Your timeline sounds perfectly reasonable to me, I hope he comes to his senses and you don’t have to use it. =(
Post # 13
Sounds like you have to choose between being with this man, and accept that he may not ever be willing to marry you (which is not necessarily the same as not loving you) or finding a man that will marry you. It’s not an enviable choice, or an easy one to make.
For myself, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to marry someone if I could also talk seriously about ending the relationship in the same paragraph. I do think that instead of having secret timelines, it’s time to seriously lay out what you need from him and make your decisions based on his response. I think a lot of women pester too much about getting engaged, and it causes problems because you can’t force someone to love you or feel ready on your time-line, but I think it’s also a mistake to be ready to end a relationship over this and not tell your partner.
Post # 14
@karenk92: ((Hugs))! I understand and feel the same way about many of the points you’ve mentioned. My suggestion would be to prepare 2 strategies for the spring timeline you mentioned: (1) an exit strategy and (2) a moving forward with him strategy. Sounds like you are pretty close to wrapping up #1, but whatever you decide, I truly hope more happiness comes your way!
Post # 15
As another 48 year old woman, I’m so proud of you! Keep the focus on what makes you happy and don’t stop believing in yourself. You are worthy of being with a man who adores and respects you, and settling for anything less is just selling yourself short.
As for your future, you’re going to be beautiful no matter what age you are – don’t forget that!