Gay weddings, conservative friends, and bridesmaids…

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper

There are an awful lot of assumptions being made here. Has Mary ever actually said anything judgemental or critical of Sally? Honestly, as the mother of a 4 month old myself, taking on bridesmaids duties for an out of town wedding would be really tough unless the bride allowed babies at the wedding and was super flexible about my availability for various events (my daughter is exclusively breastfed and hates bottles so it’s hard for me to ever be away from her for more than an hour or two). 

I guess my point is, while it’s possible Mary is using her baby as an excuse to mask her disapproval of sally having a same sex wedding — it’s a completely legitimate excuse in and of itself. 

That said I totally understand Sally’s point of view too and her sensitivity to this. Since you’re closest with Mary maybe it’s not a bad idea for you to try to talk to her and get a read on where she’s really coming from. 

Post # 3
3821 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Your role in this is nonexistent .This is between Mary and Sally. I know it’s hard to be in the middle, but it’s not for you to try and fix this for them. They are both adults who need to manage their own relationships. 

I think it’s unfair to assume that Mary is lying. Maybe she really is concerned about being a new mom. It is filled with unexpected lessons and experiences and I can absolutely see why she wouldn’t want to commit to being a bridesmaid and doing all that entails when she has her very first newborn baby at home. Everyone experiences impending parenthood differently and it’s perfectly reasonable for her to not want to make any promises about what she will or won’t be able to do so soon after having a baby. 

I’m wondering why all of you would assume a lack of support for Sally’s relationship rather Mary being worried about how she’ll handle being a new mom. Has anyone even asked her? You’re all changing the relationship based on assumptions and no one has even sat down to have a conversation. I don’t see how you can all claim to be so close but no one can even talk to Mary about this. 

Post # 4
9251 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
bizzybee0620 :  Has Mary ever actually said anything against the lgbtqi+ community? Or is this all an assumption?


Post # 5
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I don’t think this is a fight you have to get involved with. You want your quad friendship to remain the same, but nothing does. Life comes up and messes with things. 

Sally might be emotional, and may decide to invite Mary after all. If Mary declines it is up to Sally how she wants to proceed. But I don’t see anything you can do to change their emotions. 

It is a legit reason for Mary to decide not to be a bridesmaid, having a 4 month old. She is wise to think that she doesn’t know how she will feel at that time. Maybe Sally will have a baby one day, and understand perfectly. 

Post # 6
3416 posts
Sugar bee

This isn’t your problem. I’m not sure there is a problem. Looking back at when my son was 4 months old…could I have traveled 2 hours to be a bridesmaid? Could I have done all the pre-wedding stuff? Probably. But I’m glad I didn’t have to. The 4th trimester was really difficult for me. Then my son slept like crap in month 4. 

Post # 7
74 posts
Worker bee

I was maid of honor in my best friends wedding when I had a 3 month old at home. The wedding was about an hour away. I missed my baby so much that I ended up leaving while everyone was enjoying themselves on the dance floor. Not to mention my breasts were leaking and so sore that I ended up in the bathroom on a few occasions to release milk into the sink and finally thought “enough is enough.” I can see why Mary has her reservations about leaving her baby behind for the day.

Post # 12
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You and Beth whispering in Sally’s ear about what you THINK Mary is thinking isn’t helping things at all. Sally is reacting from an emotional place and not a logical one, and the more “support”she gets for her potentially mistaken view the worse things will get. This is for Sally and Mary to handle. 

Let the two of them work it out when/if Mary declines the wedding invitation. If Sally assumes bad intent and doesn’t even extend an invitation to Mary, then she will be responsible for ending the friendship and the group dynamic, not Mary.

Perhaps Mary does disapprove, but being a new mum is a perfectly legitimate reason to decline. It is assumptions that are tearing you all apart, not reality.

Post # 13
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I have to agree with the others- maybe Mary does harbor some kind of conservative anti gay feelings, but perhaps, and more likely, she a soon to be first time mom who doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. I have 2 kids with a third on the way. With my first, I’m not sure I would have been able to affirmatively commit to being in a wedding not knowing what the hell my life would be like with a new baby. With my second, I can confirm I would be there with bells on, but that’s two children (and a lot of experience) later. 

I’m sorry Sally feels like this declination represents a failure in your friendship group. I hope you can be supportive and help her see the full picture- and I hope it’s more about the anxiety around a new baby than something else. 

Post # 14
525 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
bizzybee0620 :  the stories we make up about what someone else is doing and why are fully our own responsibility. 

Mary gave her reason. 

It is up to her close friends to believe her. 

Post # 15
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
bizzybee0620 :  Re your question about whether it’s reasonable that a mom of a 4m old could just come to the ceremony and leave right after while dad takes care of baby in the hotel…for some babies and families this would be easy peasy, while for others it would be a logistical nightmare. Even just staying in a hotel two hours away with a new baby might be too intimidating for a lot of first time parents. Since she’s never been a mom before she has no idea what her life will look like in a few months so it’s not unreasonable that she doesn’t want to commit to this.

I just think it’s extreme to end friendships over this rather than talking to one another. I also just noticed you said in your first post that you want to “shake” Mary for how she handled this…what? Why? Where is the empathy for a new first time mom here? 

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