Gay weddings, conservative friends, and bridesmaids…

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

I just want to say- 

I am fully an LBTQ ally and have been a groomsmaid,

and if I were having a baby for the first time, I’d be freaking out and not scheduling anything either. 

Mary has done what a good friend would do, which is be supportive of Sally and happy for her when she found her love. 

Other than that-? The rest is on you guys. We really need to go through life committing to believing the best of people we love. 

Four agreements, you know? #1 Is  Don’t take anything personally 

And it’s important for a reason. If you all came after me with a made up witch-hunt when I was pregnant, I personally would have a hard time trusting again. 

What you can do is be the calming waters on this gossip blaze, rather than adding fuel. Be the voice of reason. 

There is enough drama around engagement, weddings and babies without adding behind the back speculation. 

Post # 17
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think Sally is probably hypersensitive to real and percieved judgment because her experience with her religious/conservative family has not been the most positive. 

I think you can both understand her feelings and validate them, but also help her see through it all and give Mary the benefit of the doubt. 

It sounds like Mary has been outwardly supportive and even if she is having a bit of an internal wrestling match, it seems by her behaviour that she has chosen to prioritize Sally’s friendship over any engrained moral qualms about her sexual orientation. 

If everyone really is as close as it sounds like they are, they should be able to have an open and honest talk about it. Maybe not today at the other wedding, but perhaps they can get together for brunch in the morning or something? And Sally can tell Mary her concerns and give her the chance to either confirm them or put them to bed. 

If she does talk to Mary about it though, she needs to make sure she doesn’t come off accusational. Because she really does not have ANY actual reason to believe that Mary disapproves and it’s not fair to Mary to be forced into s defensive position. 

Sally should approach it as an issue that she is struggling with and needs Mary’s reassurance on. “Hey, I understand why you felt it best to decline being a bridesmaid in my wedding, but I have felt myself worrying that it’s actually because you’re uncomfortable with me marrying a woman, and I don’t like wondering that kind of thing about you. You’ve always been a good friend and I want to believe that you support me and accept me so I need to put these thoughts to bed.” 

ETA: I went back and read your updates more thoroughly and it seems Sally already asked Mary (in a pretty confrontational way) and Mary said it’s not because she’s gay. 

I’m sorry, but Sally is behaving really poorly here. Again, I get why she is particularly sensitive, but she is responsible for managing her emotions and it’s on her to believe her friends and take them at face value. If she can’t or won’t do that, then she is going to destroy her friendship with Mary and the fault for that is entirely hers. 

Despite Mary being outwardly supportive, Sally accused her of being anti-gay and proceeded to put her on the defensive. I’d be white upset about it if I was Mary and I’d expect an apology. 

But instead of apologizing and wanting to smooth things over, Sally is considering just not inviting Mary to her wedding at all… Sally is being a pretty shit friend in all this and honestly, if I were you and/or Beth, I’d be giving her some tough love about it… 

Post # 18
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

I feel sorry for Mary

Post # 19
Member
1564 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
bizzybee0620 :  It sounds like you’ve made a decision that Mary is homophobic even though she said that going to be dealing with a new baby.  You’re looking for reasons to justify your beliefs instead of listening to Mary.

Do you honestly believe you’re helping by whispering your thoughts into Sally’s ear and not believing Mary? 

 

Post # 20
Member
7183 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m going to give my advice as someone who is a mom to a baby, been a bridesmaid many times (including destination weddings) AND is a wedding photographer (so I’ve seen about every wedding dynamic you can imagine)…

Mary is a first time mom, whose baby isn’t here yet. She has no way of knowing how she will be able to handle traveling for a wedding with a baby AND being a bridesmaid. There are way too many factors missing from the story. Is the baby allowed to attend? Is Mary planning to breastfeed? 

Do you know how much crap you have to take for a 4 month old? I flew my 4 month old solo to visit my mom, so my grandmother could meet him before she passed. Thankfully my mom was able to borrow a Pack N Play, baby bathtub, bouncer, and other things to help make the trip easier so that I could make the trip and have all the comforts of home. When you don’t have those things it makes it so much harder. Likewise, at 5 months old I took my baby and evacuated for a hurricane….having to load up my car with ALLLLL the crap I’d need is so much work. 

Add on to that I was a pumping mom because my baby wouldn’t latch to nurse. I pumped every.two.hours for about 30 minutes at a time, not including getting myself hooked/unhooked and cleaning up. I pumped through my entire wedding season last year, and while I definitely had to longer between pumps it’s still a huge commitment….and I didn’t have to be also handling my baby at the same time. Imagine having to be “on” as a bridesmaid all day, while dealing with a baby, and potentially having to nurse or pump every two hours? 

Would I do it for a best friend? Of course. Travel with a baby, while overwhelming, isn’t that stessful to me. I just took my baby solo internationally for a week to meet up with my husband. Plenty of people would be way too intimiated to do that. Just becuase it’s an easy thing for ME to do, doesn’t mean it’s that way for everyone. We were guests at a wedding when he was 7 months and I personally am not a fan of kids at weddings so my Mother-In-Law watched him and I just pumped at the wedding. Again, just because I’m ok with that, doesn’t mean it’s an option for everyone. 

It sounds to me like unless one of you is going to point blank ask Mary, at this point Sally is just projecting her insecurity about it onto others. I think Sally needs to leave the door open, because at this point Mary might have her baby and realize that she can infact manage it all or at least be able to attend as a guest. 

Post # 21
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just to add as a mum to a 2 year old and 7 week old. The biggest reason for me to not want to be a bridesmaid right now is my massive mum tum. I do not snap back and at 4 months pp with my son I was still 2-3 dress sizes bigger than pre pregnancy and I hated it. My body confidence would not have supported wearing a posh dress (that might not be feeding friendly) and having photographs for all eternity.

 

i don’t think Mary is unsupportive, sally has just decided she is. 

Post # 25
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
bizzybee0620 :  “But instead the way she declined made Sally think it was a fake excuse.”

I honestly don’t see how the way she declined is in any way responsible for Sally’s perception.

From your OP:

“The reason she gave is that her first child is due in June and with the uncertainty of having a baby and being a new mom, she just doesn’t feel comfortable committing to being a bridesmaid in a wedding in October.”

It sounds like she was very clear about the reasoning and even explained a bit of her decision-making process, which included seeking the advice of her husband and her mother (who obviously has experience with babies). She even mentioned that it largely boils down to the uncertainty of it all and not wanting to commit because of all the unknowns. 

If she went into a long winded explanation about every possible reason it could end up being difficult, it would probably come off like she was grasping for every excuse she could find. Over-explaining is just as damning as under-explaining and it sounds to me like Mary struck a pretty good balance in the explanation she did give. The fact that pregnancy and childrearing can be complicated is pretty common knowledge and when a new mom to be says “with all the uncertainty around being a new mom, I don’t want to commit to something I’m not sure I can manage” most people don’t really need to be told what those uncertainties are. 

I don’t have kids and I’m never having kids, but even I know well enough not to expect someone to commit to being in full day, exhausting event four months after they have a baby…. I’d still ask, but I’d ask with the proviso that “hey, I totally get if it’s too much or you aren’t able to commit right now, but I wanted to make sure you know that you’re one of my top choices for people I want beside me at my wedding”. 

Post # 26
Member
7623 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
bizzybee0620 :  I’m glad the input has been helpful bee. I have to say, before I had a baby I probably wouldn’t have really understood what would be so hard about being a bridesmaid in a wedding when you have a four-month old baby either. It’s just not a life you can imagine until you’re living it. But as pp said, it’s not just as easy as jumping in the car and driving to the hotel. There is just so much SHIT babies need and so many logistics. I just flew solo with my four-month old for the first time and was about to have a nervous breakdown about it as I was thinking through all the logistics, but now that it’s behind me I definitely feel more confident.

I also wanted to reiterate that I really do feel for Sally and I can understand why she’s hyper-sensitive. I’m sure she’s been through a very difficult road growing up in a conservative family who doesn’t approve of same sex relationships, and honestly, given Mary’s conservative beliefs and strong Catholic faith, there’s a good chance she is struggling with supporting Sally’s relationship. I’ve seen a lot of these situations within my own largely conservative, Christian extended family (which has a few black sheep like myself, a liberal who married a Jewish guy, and two other family members who are gay)…and it’s not pretty. 

BUT, if Mary has never said or done anything directly to Sally that comes off as disapproving, then I don’t think it’s fair to punish her, though I can understand being wary. Anyway, I really hope all the friendships can remain intact!

Post # 27
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee

Even if the real reason is she can’t support gay marriage because of her own personal values, why can’t they still be friends? If they’re truly as close as you say, I don’t see how Mary’s inability to support something that goes against her own morals would or should destroy a great friendship unless Sally let’s it.

Post # 28
Member
7623 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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mrsaime :  This is just not realistic though. Sally’s sexuality is core to who she is as a person. This is her marriage we’re talking about, hardly something minor. If it turns out that Mary can’t support Sally because gay marriage goes against her morals, that’s Mary’s perogative, but it’s not fair to say Sally needs to just suck it up and carry on with the friendship as though all is good, as though her alleged close friend isn’t basically telling her “I don’t condone who you are as a person.”

Post # 29
Member
12838 posts
Honey Beekeeper

When I was a first time mom, I sent regrets to several out of town weddings. I think that early on, the only exception would have been for a sibling. Sally is the one being rude here. 

Post # 30
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

People have the right to be gay and people have the right to be devoutly religious. It sounds like Mary has not tried to impose her morals on Sally at all. Mary has every right not to go to the wedding for any reason and she owes Sally nothing. Assuming that Mary doesn’t want to do it only because Sally is gay is really inappropriate. Mary doesn’t have to prove herself to anyone. She is being polite about it and that’s all she needs to do. 

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