Gay weddings, conservative friends, and bridesmaids…

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
4975 posts
Honey bee

Why would you feel in the middle? This is between Sally and Mary, no matter how close you are to both of them.

Post # 32
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Woof. As a gay lady, I get Sally’s feelings. As an axious person, I totally feel for Mary. But all the advice you need here is that your place in this, is to pretend none of this is happening, because if you react one way or the other, you risk damaging your relationship with one of your dearest friends. The most I think you should do is suggest that Sally offer to have a livestream of her wedding available for Mary. That way Sally seems supportive and Mary doesn’t have to travel with a new baby, but Sally also doesn’t have to deal with any drama on her wedding day. But for real, unless something actually happens, stay out of it.

Post # 33
Hostess
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This literally has nothing to do with you FYI. Not your wedding, not your bridesmaids, not your business.

even if Mary does have a problem, that’s HER prerogative based on her beliefs. You cannot force someone to participate in a wedding and none of you have children so her reason for not commiting to be a bridesmaid could be very valid. I’m 32 weeks pregnant and if someone asked me to be in a wedding four months after having my baby I would decline as well because I wouldn’t feel comfortable commiting to something I didn’t know if I could handle being a new first time mom.

Honestly you guys have made so many assumptions it’s making my head spin and like I said, even if she has a problem that’s HER prerogative and you have no right to judge her. 

Post # 34
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, if I were asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding happening 4 months after my first child is born I would decline too. If there was travel involved I dont even know if I would go.

So I think it’s unfair to assume it’s a cover. 

As for what you can do…. nothing. This is between Mary and Sally. 

Post # 35
Member
3444 posts
Sugar bee

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bizzybee0620 :  It’s kind of hard for me to relate to this scenario because if I had told a friend I wasn’t up for being a bridesmaid 4 months after my due date, all of my friends would have said ‘oh yeah I totally get it/I understand/no problem.’ I don’t understand why when a friend says “I’m not comfortable doing this” the other friend says “ok well then how about you do this instead.” 

Post # 36
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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weddingmaven :  you say you would make an exception for a sibling but it sounds like these are SUPER close friends who have been through so much together and that they are practically like sisters. I would also think a best friend would pretty much be equal to a sibling in that sense. An out of town wedding for a co worker or a not close friend or a distant family member that you never see sure but a BEST friend c’mon. I completely understand if she cant be in the bridal party due to having a 4 month old but from going to not even being in the bridal party to not going at all is a big jump. 

Post # 37
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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ladyvk :  I’m sorry but WTH i totally feel like if someone’s reason to not be in someone’s wedding who is your best friend is solely because they are gay yeah I have a right to judge them because that is a hateful bigot attitude to have especially to someone who is supposedly your best friend. Let’s say it was an interracial marriage and the best friend didnt like her fiance because he was black or Spanish or something like that we wouldn’t say it’s ok we shouldn’t judge her for her religious beliefs. No that would make her a racist and we would rightfully so be disgusted and appalled but it’s literally the same for gay couples so why is that hateful bigot behavior ok to accept. Oh that’s right because people use religion as an excuse to be a bigot. Sorry ignorance and bigotry towards the LGBTQ community and other minority groups is a hot button issue for me.

Now if the reason is because of finances or because of her 4 month old completely different story.

Post # 38
Hostess
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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soexcited123 :  people have the right to their own opinions and to FEEL however they like. Now if Mary we’re running around screaming about her beliefs and shoving it in their faces it would be a different story. 

Her beliefs are her business. 

Post # 39
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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tiffanybruiser :  yeah I agree 100%. Lets flip the tables if say Mary didn’t support Sally’s fiance because he was black because it “goes against her beliefs” to marry someone who isn’t the same race as you would all these responses be as understanding. No we would rightfully be saying that’s racist and disgusting. Not nodding our heads and saying, “well you know those are her beliefs as homophobic as they may be lets just look the other way and continue to be friends.” I just don’t get how in 2019 its still socially acceptable to be against gay people. To me that should be just as disgusting as bring against someone for their race.

Post # 40
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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ladyvk :  But again if her reason for declining being a bridesmaid is SOLELY because she doesn’t support gay marriage is that really bring someone’s best friend? And while it may be her business it becomes Sally’s business I feel if she won’t be in her wedding for that reason because her hateful attitude (let’s face it that’s what it is if that’s the reason) is literally now affecting the friendship. 

Post # 41
Hostess
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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soexcited123 :  again you’re running on assumptions when there’s no way of knowing what the reasoning really is. 

Regardless I would argue her attitude isn’t as hateful as you make it out to be because she’s avoiding putting herself in the situation in the first place and hurting everyone’s feelings further IF that is indeed the reason. 

 

Post # 42
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

I think if she’s expressed homophobic and anti gay views in the past (and she’s super religious) it’s probably fair to question if her reasons for declining are truthful. However, at this point if it was me (who was getting married) and I strongly suspected a friend of mine was homophobic and not supportive of my relationship that would be the end of the friendship for me. There’s just no way you can be friends with someone who opposes who you are as a person and your relationship and act like it’s no big deal (religious or not). It looks like Mary will never admit it even if she does feel like this (which it’s very likely she does), as she knows it’s friendship ending and also looks really bad, (because it is) so I personally wouldn’t continue a friendship with someone who I really felt was homophobic despite them denying it. 

Post # 43
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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ladyvk :  i very explicitly stated in my post that IF being homophobic was the reason i feel it is hateful I didn’t assume that was the reason I said IF because you stated in your post that if that is the reason we have no right to judge and I disagree because not accepting someone for something they literally have no control over like their sexuality is being hateful. Whether she comes right out and says it or not she is letting her personal views get in the way of supporting her best friend on her wedding day. If because her friend is gay that is the reason and she still decided you know what I don’t agree with being gay (as much as that still bothers me) but my best friends wedding day isn’t about me and my personal beliefs it’s about my friend and being there for her that would be the non hateful way of going about it.

Post # 44
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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ariesscientist :  I agree 100%. You put it perfectly what i was thinking.

Post # 45
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

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ariesscientist :  You ASSUME that her reasoning is because she’s homophobic. 

Just ignore that she’s going to be a new mom for the first time.  After all, she can’t help that she’s going to have a baby and doesn’t know if she’ll be up to a wedding or not.  She MUST be making excuses, right?

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