Post # 1
Well, we watched 27 dresses, the other day, and there was one bridesmaid who was in a Tux. This lends a little credibility to the idea that I am not totally crazy and that wanting to wear the dress in my second wedding, will be more true to myself and more honest with my finance’ . She has proposed with a ‘ clasically ‘ conservative tension setting engagement ring that I am proud of wearing, and just to help her feel at ease with the situation, I have matched her good intentions with a more casual multi diamond band. She tends towards the more assertive one of us and I am the more stubborn, which is one reason I have stuck with my desire to be the one that wears the dress this time around. She is also the primary bread winner and is trying to come to terms with me being the more docile partner, as it were, and how to then roll this into a better understanding of why I would want such a thing and then how her accomodating my tastes would lead to our long term success as a couple. So far we have a great relationship, and are planning a wedding with me in the dress and right now she is shopping for a tuxedo with a feminine cut to match what I am leaning towards which is a empire waist long sleved chapel trained number. I would like to think that I am not the wierdest fella out there, but can be ok with the fact that I am. I am mostly writing for advice on how to help her be at peace with this side of our relationship, and suggestions on how to broach the subject with her parents, and our mutual grandparents, my parents after all already well aware of my proclivities, well that and how to broach the topic of shopping for a dress at the local boutique and trying it on and so on… We both come from a rather conservative background, with traditional gender roles amongst our parents who are all married in excess of 45 years and still alive both pairs. We are both not on our first marriages and are easily the most successful of the siblings we have in our respective families. All that said there are many days she feels like she doesnt undersand my perspective and need for a ‘ big wedding ‘ even though it has been pared down to a minimal affair in my mind, with no more than 5 guests per side and a minister… I dont really know, I found this site and just needed to reach out and find some supportive voice and hopefully some support for the pair of us, help ?
Post # 3
Whew, you have a doozy of a problem there. For some reason in our culture, we have allowed women to be more masculine, but letting guys be more feminine hasn’t really yet come. A majority of people have come to terms with men who enjoy fashion, shopping, gossiping with girl friends, and being the ‘girl’ in a relationship, but we just haven’t gotten to the point of accepting guys in dresses in every day situations.
I think if you’re going to go through with your idea, you’re going to run into a lot of resistance from a lot of places, and I don’t think there’s a way to avoid it. I’m not sure I have advice for talking to parents and grand parents, that one is a little tough for me, but I do have a couple of dress suggestions. I’m not sure where you live, but if you want the boutique shopping experience, I would suggest finding a smaller boutique, where the owner might be less judgemental than a salesperson bound by company standards. You may have to go to several before you find one that will allow you to try on dresses. Your other option is to find a seamstress who will custom make a dress for you, this may be your most painless option.
The other bit of advice I have for you is try not to lose your partner’s feelings in your quest for your perfect wedding day. It should be a celebration of both of you, and a compromise between what both of you want. (General advice for any bride!)
Best of luck!
Post # 4
How do you normally dress? In private, public, at work, when you have met her parents/family before? That informs how you should dress on your wedding day.
Figure out what is at the root of her hesitation and address that. For example, she could feel uncomfortable about not only having to explain (both) your clothing choices to your conservative families—but also to live them not just normally but on one of the most important, scrutinized and expectation-laden days of your life.
As historybride pointed out, it’s not unheard of for a woman to wear a tux in a wedding—in many lesbian weddings one party wears a tux and the other a dress. But when you see two gay men getting married, usually both are in suits or tuxes. So I don’t think the 27 Dresses example really holds up in terms of societal acceptance of men in wedding dresses…it’s a double standard, and yeah, that stinks. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t try…but you should pick your battles.
It’s important not to let your stubbornness morph into pressuring. More important than what you wear on your wedding day is that BOTH of you are comfortable and happy, that your respective happinesses take precedence over your personal desires. This doesn’t mean you should give in, or that she should give in. You should reach a solution together. Only you two can find out what that may be. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, and I am sure you’ll find a solution that makes both of you really happy.
Post # 5
I wanted to focus on the issue you raised towards the end of the post: your desire for a bigger wedding. It’s interesting: it’s usually the bride who wants a bigger wedding, and a groom that wants to go to city hall. So in yet another way, you two have gender-swapped with tradition :-).
I wanted a smaller wedding than Mrs. Bee, but of course I wanted her to be happy too… which led me to embrace a bigger wedding. I’m sure your bride wants you to be happy too! That’s really the only way I know to bridge the gap between a couples’ mutual expectations…
Regarding talking to her parents and your mutual grandparents, I don’t know enough about your family to give any advice. But I do know that cross-cultural couples often wear one outfit during the ceremony, and another during the reception (we wore Western clothes at first, then swapped to Korean clothes for a second Korean ceremony). Maybe you could gender-swap your outfits for the ceremony, and swap back for the reception? Just an thought!
Post # 6
Hm. I say, wear your dress and be proud! But like the others, I think it’s likely you will meet a lot of resistance, so be prepared. I mean, your bride, the one who loves you most in the world is objecting a little, so understand if the more conservative people in your life or those who are strangers (the dress shop employees) don’t regard you so openyl at first. HOPEFULLY they would support you no matter what, but again, like the others, I think we have a double standard on our hands (as far as stereotypes). Good luck. As far as you and your bride reconcilling this part of your life together, I’m sure it can be done and it will all work out for the best. I think Mr. Bee’s advice about the bigger/smaller wedding is good and can be applied to most aspects of a relationship. Relationships are about give and take. You want your dress because it would make you happy. It sounds like your FW wants you to be happy so she is trying to go with your idea. SO as long as you try to go with her ideas (maybe she wants to wear a dress too and that is the point of contention? Maybe she wants you both to be present when your idea is revealed to your parents, etc.?) and try to do what makes her happy too, then things will work out. I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but good luck, and let us know how thing progress!