You absolutely need to speak with a doctor. Actually, you and your DH together should speak with one. Neither of you seems to be particularly well informed about genital herpes, and unfortunately some of this misinformation appears to be impacting your marriage.
-Yes, you can be infected with herpes without realizing it, and then have your first big outbreak years later.
-Yes, he may have been infected without symptoms, and may have given it to you.
-Yes, herpes infection can still happen with condom use.
-While the risk of contracting genital herpes increasing with the number of partners, no, it’s not certain that you were infected first because you had more partners. People can get genital herpes from their first/only partner. So the fact that you had more partners does not necessarily mean that you were the only infected one.
-Herpes outbreaks often have “triggers.” One of the worst can be friction/rough sex. So something in your lifestyle may have changed during your marriage which has led to the increased frequency of outbreaks. Look up herpes triggers and think if there’s anything that can be done to limit them.
-If you’re having frequent outbreaks (and I’d say one every 2 months is frequent), consider antiviral therapy with acyclovir or valtrex. Your doctor can prescribe one. Taking it regularly while not having outbreaks also reduces the risk of transmission to your DH, if he is negative.
-If your DH gets tested for herpes and turns out to be positive, there would be no way to know whether he got infected first and gave it to you, or vice versa. But it would let you know that there’s no need to use condoms to prevent transmission.
-It’s not true that your partner is likely to be infected now if he wasn’t before the marriage. Female to male genital herpes transmission rate is pretty low, even without condoms or antivirals, unless you have sex during an active outbreak. If you avoid sex during outbreaks, don’t use condoms regularly, and don’t take an antiviral therapy every day, the risk of female to male transmission is about 4% per year. The transmission rate is even lower with condom and/or antiviral use.
This is a great factsheet: https://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf