(Closed) Genital Herpes delayed initial outbreak?

posted 4 years ago in Wellness
Post # 16
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

My old roommate got herpes from the 2nd guy she ever slept with, because he was asymptomatic and didn’t even know he had it. It is also MUCH more easily passed from a male to a female than vice-versa.

Your husband could easily have had it and given it to you without him knowing, however a PP is right – even if he has it now, it wouldn’t necessarily prove the origin.

Post # 17
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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Anna1867 :  So sorry OP.  I too don’t think it’s fair that your husband is just so sure that you were the original carrier.  That being said at this point even if he tests positive, he still wouldn’t be convinced that it might’ve been him because as PPs said, if you were the original carrier you could’ve given it to him by now.  

He should educate himself more about this.  More than half the U.S. population has Herpes Simplex I, which is cold sores.  You can shed the virus without a visible lesion so it’s possible that he had cold sores and then he performed oral on you while he was still shedding the virus but just didn’t have a visible outbreak.  My gynecologist told me it’s easy for Simplex I to change to Simplex II in the genital region.  If he had cold sores before, then that very well may be how you got it.  

Post # 18
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Since you two had unprotected sex for years before your initial outbreak, chances are high that your husband has it too (and yes, he could very well be the initial carrier who gave it to you – lots of men are not symptomatic.) As others have said, it doesn’t matter that he always used condoms with previous partners. Google it together – condoms don’t always protect against herpes, as viral cells are not contained solely to the partner’s genitals. They do somewhat reduce the chances of transmission, but by no means prevent it. You didn’t do anything wrong – I know it’s hard and heartwrenching, but please try not to be embarassed. A doctor can help you get on meds that will contain the frequent outbreaks and get your life back to normal! 

Post # 19
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t agree with Honeyshoney, IMO He should get tested too, Bc in case he has it too, you don’t need to use a condom for protection for this reason. Only if you are not on the pill and are trying to avoid getting pregnant.

 

psychologically it will get easier for you Both to retain a healthy relationship and sex life if you know both of you have it. Then you both can just “accept” the fact and he wont have to “fear” being intimate with you. Since you can’t have more or less of it. Either you have it or you don’t. Statistically, since you have it, he probably has it too, so its better he can start learning to live with the knowledge, since it will never go away, than for this creating a barrier between the Two of you.

 

I understand both sides, and if he would know he has it too i think it will be easier to accept that you have it and for both of you to enjoy sex etc. 

 

In case he doesnt have it, then you can keep using a condom for the rest of your lifes, if he feels like it. But since you both are in this for the long run, he will probably get the disease at some point either way.

 

I can’t even imagine what this situation must feel like for you. it must be terrible. I am really sorry, and sorry for him blameing you. I think 30% of the population has genital herpes and most of them are not aware of it, (And about 80-90 procent has the very common “mouth herpes”, also very few that are aware of them having it.), so it is not impossible you got it from him though more likely that you allready had it when meeting him. Either way. He can’t keep Holding this against you, since there are nothing you can do to change the past. I understand it being hard for him to accept though, it would be for me too. Maybe he needs to talk to someone about it. But the first step would be to go and find out if he has it too. 

 

Good luck Bee!

 

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HoneysHoney :  

Post # 20
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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Anna1867 :  “I’ve had more sexual partners than he has so to him there is no question that the herpes came from me.” – That’s just not true. It could have came from either of you. Even if he’d never had p in v sex before you. Most people with herpes never have a lesion. And most of the world has herpes. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y18AwEnYdP0

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aU4VcOQzQm0 

 

I know it seems awful because of how we were taught about herpes in sex ed but it’s really not that big of a deal. Try to not let it get to you. 

Post # 21
Member
2306 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

Have you seen the Adam Ruins Everything about herpes? It’s great, I recommend both of you watch it. Here’s a clip

http://www.trutv.com/shows/adam-ruins-everything/videos/you-probably-have-herpes-and-thats-okay.html

and link to whole episode (you need to have a login with your cable provider)

http://www.trutv.com/full-episodes/adam-ruins-everything/2065345/index.html#hpt=vs_fe

 

Post # 22
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My husband and I both have genital herpes. He has NEVER made me feel bad about it. Please go get tested.

Post # 23
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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bearbear1 :  Edit: I mean have him go get tested.

Post # 24
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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Anna1867 :  You absolutely need to speak with a doctor.  Actually, you and your DH together should speak with one.  Neither of you seems to be particularly well informed about genital herpes, and unfortunately some of this misinformation appears to be impacting your marriage.

-Yes, you can be infected with herpes without realizing it, and then have your first big outbreak years later.

-Yes, he may have been infected without symptoms, and may have given it to you.

-Yes, herpes infection can still happen with condom use.

-While the risk of contracting genital herpes increasing with the number of partners, no, it’s not certain that you were infected first because you had more partners.  People can get genital herpes from their first/only partner.  So the fact that you had more partners does not necessarily mean that you were the only infected one.

-Herpes outbreaks often have “triggers.”  One of the worst can be friction/rough sex.  So something in your lifestyle may have changed during your marriage which has led to the increased frequency of outbreaks.  Look up herpes triggers and think if there’s anything that can be done to limit them.

-If you’re having frequent outbreaks (and I’d say one every 2 months is frequent), consider antiviral therapy with acyclovir or valtrex.  Your doctor can prescribe one.  Taking it regularly while not having outbreaks also reduces the risk of transmission to your DH, if he is negative.

-If your DH gets tested for herpes and turns out to be positive, there would be no way to know whether he got infected first and gave it to you, or vice versa.  But it would let you know that there’s no need to use condoms to prevent transmission.

-It’s not true that your partner is likely to be infected now if he wasn’t before the marriage.  Female to male genital herpes transmission rate is pretty low, even without condoms or antivirals, unless you have sex during an active outbreak.  If you avoid sex during outbreaks, don’t use condoms regularly, and don’t take an antiviral therapy every day, the risk of female to male transmission is about 4% per year.  The transmission rate is even lower with condom and/or antiviral use.

This is a great factsheet: https://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

 

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