(Closed) Genuinely no idea what I've done wrong.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@onthesofa:  Girl, that’s scary.  Let him leave, and DO NOT let him “apologize and promise never to do it again”.

Post # 4
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sorry dear, sounds like your man didn’t really mean what he said in the first place. If someone says they will quit drinking completely, there are no other rules that should apply. If he is going to make excuses to drink during his bachelor party or a work party or a birthday party… doesn’t it mean that he is still drinking like before?? I think he is feeling like he is losing control somehow or may be feeling cold feet… Otheriwse, have you ever seen him drink so much before or was that time the only time he got very drunk? Have you ever had a similar argument where he told you to just go to sleep and shut up or is that new too?

Post # 5
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@onthesofa:  I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I think he is freaking out at the thought that stopping drinking entirely is something alcoholics have to do, and he doesn’t want to think of himself like that. From this one incident of getting very drunk and what was essentially alcohol poisoning, I wouldn’t say he IS an alcoholic. Once is a mistake, a learning experience. Even a few times during the college/young adult years would be understandable. I don’t think it’s necessary for him to stop drinking completely over a mistake or two. I do think it would be wise of him to decide (or agree ) to him LIMITING the amount that he drinks when he goes out (to whatever you both think is reasonable, like one drink every two hours, or no more than three drinks in an evening, whatever.)

If he continues to blame you for all of this — when it is NOT your fault, you haven’t “ruined” his stag do — then there’s something more going on here, and if that’s the case you’d be well rid of him, honestly. If he can’t work through this situation maturely, without shouting at you, telling you to shut up, or threatening to call off the wedding, then he’s not ready to be married and he doesn’t deserve you. I’m really sorry.

Post # 6
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Does he normally drink this much or was this one isolted incident? Has he acted this short with you before or is this just isolated to this drinking thing right now? If it’s just this one thing, it sounds like his ego is bruised and you telling him he can’t drinks is making him feel like an idiot that can’t control himself. If this is an ongoing problem, then maybe it’s something to worry about, but if he doesn’t usually go out getting black out drunk and getting sick everywhere, then I’d just look past it. He’s getting a little bit over reactive about it I think, but I guess it depends on the history. 

 

Post # 8
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Really? He considers his stag party his “last night of freedom”? And he’s threatening to leave in the morning, because HE made a stupid mistake and is now trying to turn it around on you?

This can’t end well.

Post # 9
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Also, you wouldn’t HAVE to treat him like one of your students if he was acting like an adult man. And HE ruined his stag do by getting so disgustingly drunk that he was blacking out and being sick all over your home, so that he frightened both of you and made a rash promise about “never drinking again.” You had nothing to do with that — it was all him, and a grown up would take responsibility for it and not try to blame it on you.

Post # 10
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not sure I follow.  Is your Fiance an alcoholic, or was it just that one drunken night that made him decide to stop drinking?

I can’t blame you for not wanting him to get slammed, if he’s got a problem and if that’s how he’s going to act when he is drunk.  I don’t do scary drunken outbursts.  I witnessed a few as a child and it has frightened me.  Thankfully, my Darling Husband doesn’t really drink.  If your Fiance wants to drink and go into rages, and that’s something that terrifies you, then you need to re-consider marriage (if he is unwilling to stay clean).

Post # 11
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

I think that your Fiance is mad because you told him he couldn’t drink in front of his friend.  Not that that was the wrong thing to do, but you know guys like to seem like big men in front of their friends.

That being said the last time he drank is SCARY.  I can’t believe you’re getting married to him in 4 months.  He acts like a child.

Post # 12
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Agreeing w/ many of the posters – he’s choosing to engage in a nonsense argument about “freedom and drinking” over the more meaninful issues in life like growing up, being a good husband, working together with a significant other, and is using that nonsense argument either out of fear of growing up and dealing with married life or who knows, but this type of explosive thing on the eve of married life does happen often and is quite common.  

Give him some space; take a breather, the both of you.  See how he handles his “last stag-man standing freedom” or whatever night out.  He might be thinking you control everything; he doesn’t feel like a ‘free adult’.  When you guys can calmly talk, ask him this.  This is the basis for everyone and everything that rebels.  If he’s always had drinking/impulse control problem, then that is another story altogether, like some of the other posters mentioned.  And that in and of itself is a flag of a different sort.

If you have to say any words to him, just repeat what you said “Don’t ever talk to me like this; married life means growing up, not fighting to have 4 beers and vomit in freedom and expect a wife (or husband) to tolerate it.”  Ask him, “Do you think it is appropriate for me to behave the way you are, and you in my position?”  Ugh, wishing you guys strength, patience and love.  Nothing, no relationship will work without those three things.  He needs to see that equally, and STAT, as marriage is on the horizon.  

Post # 13
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

Not your fault in my opinion. You did nothing wrong. He was the one who CLEARLY expressed how irresponsible he is with drinking, so your not wanting him to drink on his “last night free” is understandable. After all you don’t want to be cleaning up after him again, ew.

Post # 14
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Male bravado infront of his friend, and then it’s you that cops it once everyone has gone home. If he wants to act like a child, he should be treated like a child. You deserve better. I hate guys that threaten to leave, if I were you, I would be showing him the door.

Post # 15
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am sorry I dont agree with everything some of the other Bee’s are saying. While your Fiance said he was choosing not to drink he is an adult unless he has a serious drinking problem he has a right to change his mind. When he asked you for a drink I don’t think he was asking for permission, I think he was asking you to be a doll and hand it to him. If someone was trying to control me I would get pissy too. I hate being controlled and most of us have had a night or two of getting too drunk and no one has made us stop drinking. Maybe you should have a talk with him so both of you are very clear on what the limits are when it comes to alcohol. I think your Fiance thinks you are being controlling. I would have given him the drink like he asked and waited until his friends left to bring up any issues. you are treating him like a child and he is acting like one. 

Post # 16
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

So… he got horribly stinking drunk ONCE and you guilted him into giving up drinking completely?

You actually told him no, that he can’t have ONE beer while other people were around.

It sounds to me like you ARE treating him like one of your students, or a child. He’s an adult. You don’t get to ‘set rules’ for him. You outright said you didn’t trust him. I understand you said you don’t trust him with his friends… but if you don’t trust him in certain situations, you just don’t trust him.

Also, one night of drunkenness does not an alcoholic make. You don’t need to monitor him like…. a child.

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