Post # 17
@musician32992: It is extremely reasonable! He knows what you expect from the relationship, that you’ve thought about all this, and he has plenty of time to get used to the idea! I don’t know how anyone could say it is pressure! We women are expected to say yes to a surprise proposal, even if we didn’t know it was coming! Double standards…
Post # 18
@Anise: Absolutely!!! I agree with every word! So happy to read so many posts that show women who know what they want and who participate in the important and life changing decision 🙂
Post # 19
@soupir: My proposal won’t really be a surprise since we’re designing the ring together. However, I think that I’m just going to design as far as to approve the final design and let him go from there.
Post # 20
I’d never demand a proposal. I would always doubt that he *really* wanted to marry me if I had to force it out of him. I feel like the right guy should feel like he can’t wait to ask you to marry him!
Post # 21
@sweetbutdemanding: I did tell my bf that after a year living together in a condo that is only in his name (he inherited it) and everything else (bills, internet, power, etc) in his name, I was not going to be a tenant and that if he didn’t want to get at least engaged, I would move back in a place by myself for sure! But it was his timeline too, so I was relieved to hear that! The only thing is, if it had been more in the open to talk about stuff like that, I would have known and there would not have been any tension around the subject. He saw my point and now we openly talk about it 🙂 We bought the ring and we even picked a proposal date together!! (He insists on having a proposal).
Post # 22
@musician32992: I picked my ring (a nice vintage ring, small and not expensive) and we picked a proposal date together after I was tired of not enjoying special dates or trips taking it was “the time”. 😉 And I couldn’t be happier! I didn’t want a surprise proposal, I don’t even like the idea of a proposal (I prefer agreeing on it, I find it is more equal), but he insisted lol So I know the day, and I told him to please do something small!
Post # 23
@pineapplez17: I love the proposing back idea! Never thought of that lol
Post # 24
At one point before he proposed but when I knew things were going in that direction, we had an argument which made me believe at one point that we should not get married.
We then thougnt about it, and realized that just because we weren’t going to get married (so we thought at that moment), that wasn’t an actual reason to break up.
No, I wouldn’t have broken up with him, because my goal in life is to live the best life I can, not arbitrarily to get married. I’d rather be with someone worth being with, maybe forever, but without marriage, tham break up with him to marry someone less worthwhile overall.
We ended up resolving the issue within 24 hours (he realized he was BSing me about his stubbornness about something, because he feared admitting being so emotionally reliant on me after someone using tht aganist him before) so we continued on the path toward marriage, but regardless, that’s when I realized how little marriage itself means to me compared to everything else about relationships.
Post # 25
I don’t think what you said/did was wrong. I don’t think it’s an ultimatum. And, I think that if he’s not moving in the direction you want to be moving, you don’t necessarily need to be moving in the direction HE wants to be moving.
Here’s the thing, though. I wouldn’t be with a man I wasn’t confident was committed to me 100% and wanted to make me happy. That’s why I would never give an ultimatum – because it would either happen when it’s right for the both of us, or I’m in the wrong relationship for me.
Post # 26
Personally I do not believe you should put those types of demands on your relationship. I believe it can cause more problems and if you do get married, i would feel as though he did it just to shut me up.
Before entering a relationship you have to be on the same page with the person your with. Just like womens goals are centered on marriage, and not dating around, being stable, there are men out there like that too. You just have to find the person that wants EXACTLY what you want.
My fiance and I met, a year and one month later we got engaged. Some people just know wht they want
Post # 27
I agree with the people who say this isn’t an ultimatum (at least using the phrases you used with us). You are just stating your expectations and how you will act on them. That seems very reasonable and adult to me. If he’s not ready to get married, then you can enjoy some freedom and space to decide what you want. To tell you the truth, I’d probably do something similar in your situation. However, I’d probably also be asking for some conversations about our relationship in addition to this statement (I like to call them “state of the relationship” conversations where we take turns describing what we see as the state of our relationship and where it’s going . . think state of the union lol . .). I always like to know when our interests are diverging.
Fortunately, I’ve never been in your situation, so other than that, I have no advice.
Post # 28
I never would demand a proposal. Never.
Post # 29
I think the people who put up with waiting for extended periods of time must either have an unhealthy fear of being alone, or very low self esteem. They deserve so much better than someone who is either simply too childish to make a commitment, or has serious psychological issues that prevent them from doing so.
To be honest, I have no time for people messing me around and that includes boyfriends. I cannot imagine being with someone more than 4 years without having raised the idea of a proposal. To me, it’s not that hard to know if someone is The One after four years. Obviously there are extenuating circumstances in some cases. But even in those scenarios, it’s not unreasonable to ask for your own timeline
I don’t think you should put crazy pressure on your fiance or nag him constantly. But I definitely think it’s perfectly reasonable to calmly tell him, “I want a man who is willing to formally commit to me. So please consider whether you can be that man. You have (X months) to consider it, and then I need either a proposal or I will leave”. And then stick to it.
I don’t see how it’s “forcing him into” anything. You give him the time to think about it. If he proposes, then that’s his choice. Most people will continue with the status quo in most things out of sheer laziness, but they’ll shape up pretty fast and not be resentful if the alternative is losing someone or something they value.
Post # 30
@sweetbutdemanding: Rock on! I think you were in the right.
Post # 31
@PermaStudent: I also feel that the engagement process is too one-sided. My SO was horrified when I said I would like it to be a more of a mutual discussion on the couch sort of thing. He wants the whole traditional deal, the surprise, the expensive ring, asking my dad for permission, etc, and I do not want any of that. If women who take the wedding details too far are called Bridezillas, I think guys are turning into Proposezillas.