Post # 1
I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now and engaged for 2. I am newly 21 and my fiance is 23. We are supposed to be getting married in 2 months but I’m starting to rethink it. I am working a job 5-6 days a week, going to college full time, getting ready to start an internship next week, and also play a college sport. However, i will be graduated in March of next year, so roughly six months. I am ready to move out of my mom’s house and get a place together so we have somewhere to live once we’re married. My fiance on the other hand is not trying so hard. He wants to get married, and he says he wants us to get our own place, but his actions don’t show it much. He keeps jumping back and forth between temp jobs at factories. He’s currently been unemployed for a month now and keeps waiting for these jobs to happen and they end up not working out. He was home schooled and has a diploma from the church, but refuses to get a real GED that’s worth something because he doesn’t think he needs it to get a job. He also has no vehicle to get to and from work and isn’t currently looking for one either. The most frustrating part of all of it is that I have paid for the wedding almost completely by myself, the only thing he has paid for is $350 towards the photographer. I have paid for venue, food, my dress and alterations, all decorations, dj, cake, invitations, literally everything. My mom is helping with catering. My dad isn’t worth much so he’s not helping. His mom is passed away and his dad hasn’t offered to help at all. So I’m stuck doing everything alone and he doesn’t even offer to help. When I got together with him he wasn’t like this, and I fell in love with him and knew he was the one before we ever even went on a first date. I still love him to death but I’m starting to think that this might just be who he is now and not just a rough patch. He does treat me well though, he never mentally or physically abuses me, isn’t controlling, anything like that. I have brought these things up multiple times to him snd he just says that I’m stressing myself out and thinking too much or too far ahead.
Long story short, I don’t know if I should go through with the wedding and hope that he gets a good job soon to provide for us, or if I should just call off the wedding and end the relationship instead of waiting on him to change. Advice please!!
Post # 2
Wow, this went from 0 to 100 really fast! I don’t think your only options are “get married or break up”. If you’re not comfortable with getting married at this time you could postpone the wedding for a later date which would give you guys some time to talk, get your priorities aligned, and then decide if you want to continue with the wedding. From your post it sounds like you aren’t at the same place in your lives with regards to your priorities and plans so maybe talk about this, come up with a 3-year, or 5-year plan see if you can get closer to the same page.
Post # 3
I didn’t have to read past the title. If breaking up is even remotely on the table, then getting married should not be. Full stop!
Post # 5
You’re young, don’t get tied down. Go live.
Post # 6
Based on your description, it sounds like a wedding should be the last thing on your minds at this stage in your lives. You’re still in school, so I’m assuming you have at least some student debt, he has no stable job, no GED, and no car, and the two of you have yet to get your own place together. A wedding isn’t going to fix any of that. If anything, it’ll just create more financial stress for you. I don’t think that “get married in 2 months or break up” are your only two options. If you truly love him and can envision a future with him, then postpone the wedding. It would give you both time to work on finding stable employment, then you can slowly save up for one. You’re both still young. There’s no rush. Enjoy your lives and work on getting financially stable. There will be plenty of time for a wedding in the future when you’re both more prepared.
Post # 7
I agree on postponing. I think you sould focus on yourself, finish school and enjoy being young. You shouldn’t see it as break up or get married. You’re 21 and have a lot of time to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
Also, put his qualities into persepctive looking at the future, what would he be like as a father? you say he isn’t abuse, but is he supportive?
Post # 8
CALL IT OFF! Dear lord this guy is a dud. Why commit to that for life??!! If you have to ask the internet its not a good sign. At the very least postpone a few years to see if he gets his shit together, but it doesnt sound promising. Why dont you find a nice college grad like your (soon to be) self and find someone who isnt content bumming around…
Post # 9
I tried to push the wedding back and he didn’t want to put it off because he just wants to be married. For a little while he had a stable job so I was more confident about the wedding being where it is, but now all of this happened and he has been jobless for about a month now. He is supposed to be trying for a new job that he would start next week, but I’m not sure how that is going to go. And I’ve done a lot of work already, I’ve booked everything, paid everyone, sent out all my invitations, so I think it’s a little late now to push it back. If I did then I feel like I wouldn’t want to go through the trouble of planning and repaying for everything again for a later date.
And the only reason I’m feeling like it might have to end all together is because I’m a very motivated person and if he continues to be like this then I don’t see a future. When I met him he had a family business doing concrete and he was very hardworking. But his dad remarried, moved away, and sold the business and after that it was like he lost all motivation for work. I really don’t want to break up but right now I’m not seeing any future plans from him except “get a job”, he’s just very narrow minded and I look at the big picture
Post # 10
then just break up with him. Youre too young for this. The money lost on the wedding is nothign compared to the struggles youll marry into and inevitable future divorce.
Post # 11
You hit the nail on the head. If breaking up is even a thought in your head, marriage should be off the table.
Someone treating you well and not being abusive is the bare minimum in a relationship. You shouldn’t get married to someone just because they treat you well and you have fun together. There is SO much more to marriage than that.
Personally, this doesn’t sound like a relationship I would stay in. I don’t think everyone needs to go to college but there should be some drive and ambition to do something. And yeah, getting his GED is absolutely going to be necessary.
Never marry someone thinking they will change. If you don’t want to be married to him now exactly as he is (and I wouldn’t) then call off the wedding.
You are really young. You have so much time to find someone who fits your life and will be more than just good to you.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
“Get married” and “break up” in the same sentence means you need, at a minimum, to postpone the wedding.
Post # 13
Marriage isn’t going to fix anything. If you’re not satisfied with the way he is before the wedding, you aren’t going to be any more satisfied with him after the wedding. Also for what it’s worth, I have known four different couples who were married young (about your age). Not one of them is still married to this day. I’m not trying to imply that it can’t work, just saying that there really is no reason to tie yourself down to someone while you’re still so young.
Post # 14
I’m your age (turned 21 in Feb) and my SO is also your age, we’ve been together 5 1/2 years and although I want to get married and am anxious for him to propose.. its way to much for us right now. I just finished college and luckily had a stable job lined up upon graduating. Unlike you, my SO isn’t “lazy” (I dont want to sound mean.. I just didnt know what other word to use). I think maturity levels play into this situation a lot.
My advice is just to post-pone your wedding, you also need to ask yourself did you two get engaged just to be engaged? Personally, two years is a long time to wait.. and it sounds like both of you were not ready for that step yet. There is no reason to break up with him just because he isn’t motivated, he most likely still has the desire to marry you and still loves you and you sound like you still love him.
We’re the same age, and of course I want to be engaged and planning a wedding with my SO so badly… but I’m not going to do it just to do it. I dont need a ring on my finger to solidify my relationship or have the title of being engaged/married to be happy about our relationship. Take the time and post-pone your wedding and re-group, what’s the rush?? Honestly… get through school, figure out your work/home life balance with your SO, THEN plan your wedding.
Post # 15
You are 21 and 23 good lord, PLEASE don’t get married right now. Especially if he’s completely unmotivated. It really sounds like you two are heading in completely different directions and you should be with someone who compliments your goals in life. Trust me, this will get old, FAST and its much harder to get out of a marriage than a relationship. Give him time to grow up a little and if things still remain the same, please please please do not sell yourself short! It sounds like you have a TON going for you and life can be really awesome with a partner who balances you well. Do not waste time waiting for someone to be what you WANT them to be!!!!