Member- tronbee
- 5 years ago
First time poster, long time lurker. Writing about a really particular situation but I’m hoping some other bees might be out there with dysfunctional families that I can glean insight from. I’ll try to be brief and to the point but there’s some history to cover.
My partner and I decided to get married awhile ago. Last month we went ring shopping together. On Father’s Day, we told both of our families that we had gone shopping. He called his parents; I told my family in-person, together.
He picked up the ring two days ago. We’re not very traditional, but have families who appreciate tradition. His family is nuclear (parents are still married and happy, he has a good relationship with them both). Mine is a bit messier.
My dad passed when I was three. Afterwards, my mom had a couple of long-term common-law relationships, one of which gave me an awesome little brother. My mother and I have had a rocky relationship for a very long time (not getting into it – it’s not relevant) but we love each other and remain in each others lives, albiet not very actively. It’s more like occasional texts and phone calls and a visit bi-monthly.
My maternal grandparents were massively involved with my upbringing; I even lived with them for a period in my teens during a particualrly rocky point with my mom. My grandmother passed a few years ago. My grandfather and I are very close. We speak more frequently than my mom and I do. He’s been the only positive male role model in my life, and for all intents and purposes, my “father figure”.
After my grandma died, my mom’s most recent common-law relationship ended. She moved in with my grandpa for both financial (her) and emotional support (him) reasons. It was/sort of still is mutually beneficial, but they have a difficult relationship too.
Cut to: yesterday afternoon. My partner and I went over to visit my grandpa. My mom wasn’t home but we did not know whether she would be or not – this was an improptu visit. Gramps recently purchased a new vehicle and told me to take it for a test drive. My partner declined to join me and stayed behind. I guess he saw this as his “window of opportunity” to ask for my grandfather’s blessing (which frankly, I don’t care about – I’m a staunch feminist – but I know it means a lot to my grandpa). He was elated to have been asked and of course said yes. It was my partner’s intention to speak with my mom in-person about it the next time he saw her and could speak to her privately.
But then a shitstorm erupted. My mom texted my brother, unloading her feelings to him about “not being included”, and how she’s “not important enough to be part of such an important milestone”, and that my grandfather’s “word/blessing means more” than hers. So, she A) made it immediately about herself, B) couldn’t see the positive in my partner trying to honour and include my grandfather in a meaningful way, C) assumed she would never be asked, D) ranted to my brother instead of being a mature adult and speaking with my partner and I directly.
I feel sick about the whole thing. Obviously it wasn’t my partner’s intention to upset my mom or make her feel excluded. He now feels that he has to do “damage control” and call her to explain the situation, but worries she’ll perceive it as reactionary or something. So we’re trying to decide if we should just let her be angry and never ask (even though asking was the plan), or call sooner than later to ask/explain the situation.
As an aside, brother and gramps are both 100% #teamus and know that our situation is tricky / no one was trying to hurt anyone, etc.
TL;DR – partner asked grandpa for permission before mother and shit hit the fan, trying to do some damage control
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This topic was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by
tronbee.
