(Closed) Getting a little frustrated and I need advice…:/

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wouldn’t bring up a diagnosis with him from a counselor who has never met him. I would, however, dicuss with him what is bothering you and why. I think your approach of saying “that’s just how I do things” is a great start. Saying that every time you feel he is criticizing these little insignificant choices might clue him in to the fact that you feel these little differences in opinion aren’t important to you and nothing to get in a fuss about.

That being said, have you considered going to counseling with him? It might be easier to discuss these things in that environment.

Post # 4
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i lived with a guy like that for years.  he was always wanting things his way, mine wasn’t right. your guy sounds a bit worse though.  you’re right, it’s like walking on egg shells.  it’s a horrible feeling all of the time and a terrible way to live.  there were other issues as well but i gave up trying after a while b/c it felt like it was going to be a never ending battle.  you begin to resent your partner and become very detached.  you don’t have to answer but how is the intimacy?  mine was non existant.

Post # 5
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:   Yikes.  I have a friend who behaves exactly this way.  The bad thing about her is that even when I agree with her she still argues with me, it’s maddening, lol.  She has been diagnosed with adult ADHD so maybe there is a correlation.

At least you know what you’re in for if you continue in this relationship.  It’s a good thing you’re moving in together because that is when you really  get to know someone and whether you can live with them for the long run or not.

Good luck with everything.

Post # 7
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Hmmm, I don’t know him but he sounds like a typical guy to me, I wouldn’t jump to saying it was a disorder but mostly every guy I have dated was like this in some way. It is probably more severe then what I am thinking if he needs counseling though.

My husband is like this. He has to know the exact number. I can’t round off dollar amounts or exaggerate ever. He finds it extremely annoying. When I am cooking, he will tell me what I am doing wrong. If I don’t keep up on car washes or oil changes, he gets pissed. I am more laidback then he is and will rolls my eyes or I will snap at him, so I understand how it can be irritating from both sides. He isn’t really as bad to where he thinks he is right all the time, his brother is like that. My husband though will ask my advice on things (even though he ultimately will think I am wrong) and will admit when I am right and will take it as a learning experience.

I think you need to try talking to him about it again with “I” instead of “You”. Just say how the behavior makes you feel. Be gentle about it. Say that you would like him to attend counseling with you so that you don’t feel alone to deal with these issues. Which is true, a relationship is a partnership in which both people must try to make it work.

I also agree that it is not wise to jump to a diagnosis without examining the patient first. She needs to talk to him and get both sides before making such a serious accusation. Right now she is only hearing your side of the story.

Post # 8
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your counselor hasn’t even met him, so awesome as she may be I don’t think it’s right for her to try to diagnose someone she has never even met, and I definitely don’t think you should bring that up to him. But I do think you should encourage him to come to some counseling sessions with you – and by encourage, I basically mean make it a condition of you two moving in together., because your concerns about walking on eggshells and your future children feeling never right or good enough are totally legitimate concerns.

The way he was raised it just a convenient excuse – my DH’s mom is like this, the woman has to correct everything that comes out of my mouth, but Darling Husband never behaves that way. He has chosen to copy their behavior and continue a negative cycle rather than to rise above it. But I probably wouldn’t bring that up to your guy (unless it comes up in counseling) because he will get defensive, instead I’d make it about how bad it makes you feel, and the walking on eggshells and concerns for your future children. Hate to say it, but if my guy was like this and wouldn’t have a serious conversation about it and work on changing, I don’t think I could stay. Like @mypinkshoes: said, that is no way to live your life.

Post # 9
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My fiance is kind of like that.  His family grew up in a very different style from mine.  When we moved in together, he would constantly say things like, “Well in my family we did it like this,” and change whatever it was.  I finally said to him something like, “You and I are different people from different families.  We both value our families and want our home to be like the ones we grew up in.  So, you have to remember that about me, just as I have to remember it about you.”  He didn’t even realize he was trying to make things so…one way.

 I really think you should just tell him that when he corrects you all the time he makes you feel that he doesn’t value you or your opinion.  It sounds babyish but use “I statements”…like, “When you do x, I feel that this means…”  Instead of saying, “When you do this, it means that…”  Does that make sense?

Post # 10
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I recently had a talk with my fi. About his anxiety. It kinda went “look, I love you, but some things that you do drive me bonkers.  It’s not a problem yet, but I know that a.b. and c. Bother me a lot, and my fear is that left unchecked, it will become a problem for me down the road. Would you go see a counclier with me? “

Post # 11
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think the Asberger thing should play into this. Asberger or not, this is how he is and you two need to find a way to work it out. Like most things it will probably be a compromise. You don’t let it bug you when he corrects little stuff and he needs to learn that he can’t try to change everything you do. I think you just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Tell him that you love him and are so excited to moving forward in the relationship, but you’re concerned about living with him because of the excesive correcting. Be sure to focus on how his behavior makes you feel. Then see what he thinks would be a good solution. He probably doesn’t even realize it’s an issue so I think some frank talk about it will do wonders.

Post # 12
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would not say that it is Aspergers. I have a son who is autistic and know many, many on the spectrum and I don’t see this as a symptom of the disorder. Yes they have a way of doing things their own way but don’t expect you or correct you into thinking their way. Their quirks are not about everything but specific things. They do have difficulty transitioning to doing things a different way but unless a person on the autism specturm has a fixation on lights really they would be ambilvant to whether the lights are on or off. (Taking one of your examples. They would go on and on about how the light is produced and possibly how many Kwatts are used by a single light bulb)

I would say that he was brought up more in a family that lacks respect for other peoples opinions and that he isn’t open minded rather than saying that he has a specific disorder.

 

Post # 14
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My dad is SO MUCH like this, although perhaps not as extreme. For what it’s worth, I never once felt inferior growing up…it was just kind of understood that he thought things should be done a certain way. He STILL sends me routes of how to get places the fastest! I know it drives my mom nutso sometimes, but she always just says “he just cares about us and wants us to be happy, and he thinks doing things his way will be best for us”, which while true doesn;t mean that it’s any less annoying at times.

I do think you need to bring your Fiance to see your counsellor, especially if, as you mentioned, this is something you could see being a dealbreaker. Do you think he really understands the extent to which this bothers you, or does he think it’s more a mild annoyance for you? So much of what you said about walking on eggshells, etc is no way to live. Hopefully if you (nicely, calmly) expressed this to him, he might be more willing to go to counselling with you?

 

Post # 15
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m sorry you are frustrated.  I understand how it is to be frustrated with someone who you also love.  Not a good feeling.  I hate to be negative, so please take this for what it’s worth….. but he’s probably just as frustrated with your “laxidasical” attitude as you are with his extreme need for structure and detail.

He’s not “wrong”.  He just has different needs than you do.  You have identified some very valid concerns about your future with someone who has a different style of communication and different needs as far as the way they interact.

Why are you moving in with him?  It’s not that I think you shouldn’t, it’s just that I’m curious – as you have identified that you walk on eggshells around him.  It seems you have an expectation that HE will need to change in order for you to stay in the relationship – unless he ends up getting diagnosed with something…. that will somehow make his behavior more tolerable (or excusable).   However, I’m not sure a diagnosis of Asperger’s (or whatever) would lessen the impact on any children you have.

Counseling is an interesting solution.  What would your goal be?  Couples / family counseling operates under the premise that NEITHER party is *wrong* and that the dysfunction is in how you relate as an *entity*.  So, HIS need for factual detail isn’t *wrong*, neither is YOUR need to be able to speak figuratively to prove a point.  The focus of *couples* counseling would be to figure out how to make the fact that you have very different fundamental personalities and communication styles manageable for each of you.  If HE isn’t frustrated with you, then YOU will have more work to do…. if you want to stay in the relationship.  Which sucks. 

Individual counseling…. aims to heal or change behavior in ONE individual.  However, that person has to want to or at least be open to changing.  If he doesn’t think he is at fault…. what would his motivation be to change?  I’m not sure he has one.

You will never change him.  Never.  Ever.  You can work on changing YOUR expectations of him and your reactions to him and your level of frustration with how YOU deal with his personality.  But to think that HE Is going to change is unrealistic and will only leave you MORE frustrated.

I wish you luck.

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