Post # 1
Hi all, this I my first post but I’ve been a long term lurker. I’m just looking to vent a little bit. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have officially been together for 3.5 years (and 6 “unofficial” months before that). We’re both 27, bought a house together this spring, and have lived together for over 2 years. I’m at the point now where I really want to be engaged. I’m already 2 years behind in my “ideal timeline” and really wanted to be in a position to start a family before I hit 30. My issues is, I honestly can’t picture him proposing anytime soon, if ever. Every major step in our relationship so far I’ve been the one to initiate and had to convince him it was a good idea (let’s put a label on our relationship, let’s move in together, let’s get a dog, you get the idea). I do not want to propose to him. Like period. Whenever people put him on the spot and asks when his going to make a move, he always says “it’s a money thing”. Which granted, we did just throw a ton of money into buying the house… But I know he’s got plenty to spare in his bank account. It’s just so frustrating, especially when I see couples I know have been together for way less time then us celebrating their weddings left and right this summer/fall. Anyone else in this position? I know I should just talk to him about it, but I reallllllly don’t want to make the first move once again. Also, is it weird that we’ve been together 4ish years and never really talked about marriage??
Post # 2
Yes, it’s a little weird that you’ve never “talked” about marriage. Bringing up the issue to make sure you both are on the same page and that your expectations are understood by the other is not initiating the proposal. It’s supporting and strengthening your relationship communication. Avoiding the topic is causing you pain and allowing him to dismiss it as not important. Good luck.
Post # 3
we definitely talked about marriage before the four year mark, but i’m not surprised you guys haven’t. it sounds like you’re the driver in your relationship and you’re with a super laid-back guy who likes that. to be clear, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! however, expecting a guy who’s happy being the passenger to suddenly grab the wheel and steer seems unrealistic.
i get not wanting to make the first move on such a serious topic, and to be honest i do think it’s a bit odd that its never come up, but i wouldn’t expect anything to change just because the issue is marriage. i’ve seen this dynamic happen over and over again with my female friends. they like the laid-back guy who’s happy to be super supportive, quick to compromise, and go with whatever their plans are, but then they get frustrated that he’s not acting like an alpha decision-maker kind of guy.
the good thing is it sounds like your guy wants to make you happy. i wouldn’t be surprised if you bring up your marriage timeline and he readily agrees to it! i think you need to just accept that this is his personality, be ok with taking charge, and expect that it will also be like this after your married, when you have kids, etc. it’s either that or you need to find a more forceful pro-active type of man, which comes with its own pros and cons.
Post # 4
” It’s just so frustrating, especially when I see couples I know have been together for way less time then us celebrating their weddings left and right this summer/fall. “
A stable marriage has nothing to do with the length of time you’ve been together. It’s about being on the same page at the same time. For some couples its 6 months, for others it’s 6 years. Step 1 is to stop comparing your relationship to that of other people. I would also suggest having the conversation and communicating what each of your expectations and visions are for the future. Maybe it really is a money issue or maybe he just isnt ready or maybe he’s just one of those people who has no desire to get married. You deserve to know what’s going on there so you can make the decision on whether or not you are willing to wait it out.
Post # 5
My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and have definitely moved passed the wedding stage also. Maybe have a friend or parent ask him? Maybe he likes that you take charge and is waiting for some reason
Post # 6
Bring up this topic. Tell him you want this.
Just like everything else you’ve intiated, you will need to get the ball rolling on this. And i feel like he’s not going to turn you down or run away.
Congrats on the new house
Post # 7
You don’t have to propose to him, but it should definitely be a conversation. There’s nothing wrong with comparing timelines and seeing where you both are in your relationship.
Post # 8
have you ever talked to him about marriage and where you are.
it seems something that should come up fluidly, especially after buying a house together.
Post # 9
You are half of the relationship. You want to be married. He hasn’t brought it up. Why won’t you? It’s your relationship and your life and you get a say. If you are waiting for the magical moment when he comes running into the room saying oh my darling I can’t live without you. Marry me, it’s probabaly not gonna happen. Take control.
Post # 10
Initiating a conversation doesn’t mean proposing to him. You don’t have to say, “let’s get married in 6 months.” You can say that you really love your relationship with him and have been thinking about the future lately. Then ask what his thoughts are on marriage. Go from there. He might just need to know that you’re thinking about it to spark his own thought process.
Post # 11
You need to ask him his timeline, tell him your timeline, and see whether they align (or whether you both can compromise if they do not). Absolutely do not wait patiently for him to man up without discussing marriage, trusting that it will magically happen. He’s not going to change his personality because you’re tired of being the initiator. Also, if marriage is an absolute necessity for you, have a date in mind of when you’ll walk away if he doesn’t propose, and stick to it. Don’t announce to him as an ultimatum, but just keep it in mind for yourself so that you don’t end up wasting years before having the courage to walk away. We’ve read too many horror stories on the bee of women waiting over a decade for a proposal, only to finally realize that their guys don’t want to marry them after all.
Post # 12
I agree with others who say you are half of the relationship and get a say but this pattern of you initiating serious life decisions will most likely repeat throughout your relationship, people don’t change. Best of luck.
Post # 13
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
It’s good you are being really practical about this. A lot of people will post completely unrealistic about wanting to get engaged by a certain holiday but they have never had a discussion.
My advice: sit down and talk with your boyfriend in a casual manner. It sounds like you have a pretty broad timeline and are just wanting to make sure this is heading down the right path. I would say “I really enjoy us the way were are now but by X year I want to get married which means you would need to think about proposing around X time. I love our relationship and living together, but I am just htinking about the future. When do you want to get married? When do you want children?”
If this conversation is defensive, by either party, it usually doesn’t go well. But if he lets you in and you have an idea of his timeline, it might explain his hesitation. A lot of times men also don’t realize the whole planning thing. They think that BAM if you propose, you can get married right away. They need a little nudge to realize how much time is needed to look at rings, propose, plan for a wedding, get married, and try for kids.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 14
Wow thank you all so much for all the thoughtful advice. You are all very correct that I’ve been steering the ship and he’s happily been playing the part of firstmate
I agree it’s weird. For the record we have talked about weddings some; where it would be, which band, who’d be bestman, etc. But it’s all been very generic, and really that’s just planning a party, not a marriage.
I guess I’m just nervous to bring it up, but sounds like I need to get over that. I like the idea of writing down timelines then exchanging to see how they match up. I’m just scared his will say: marriage/kids – 10+/- years 🙁 haha
Post # 15
So…why did you buy a house with him if you are expecting to get engaged and wanting to get married? A mortgage is a HUGE commitment especially with someone you aren’t legally committed to. I know some people would say that is his commitment to you…but you want to get married so frankly buying a house first wasn’t the best of choices. I’ve heard it’s harder to get out of a mortgage than it is to get a divorce.