Post # 1
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
There are a ton of boards on here that just have me confused… this may seem like a vent of sorts, and maybe it is. I really don’t want to seem insensitive. I apologize if it comes off insensitive, I really don’t want to offend anyone. I’m honestly just confused.
There are so many boards about women talking about how they “just got their ring”, or they got their ring and are thinking about returning it, exchanging it, and asking for advice about it.
Often these boards are just from an “I” perspective.
I know a lot of women are involved in choosing their ring (myself included), but have we lost all romance in the proposal and significance of the ring?!
Why is it all about my ring and what you should do?
Why aren’t these proposal stories? Why aren’t they, he proposed! Look at my ring!l? Am I missing something? Is this just some sort of very involved process of getting a ring and the proposal comes after? Or proposals without a ring and then getting it?
I told my SO what I wanted my ring to look like (because he asked) and we haven’t talked about it since. The next time I expect to see a ring is when he’s down on one knee and I will forever be grateful that that that is the ring he decided on and I will wear for the rest of my life.
Help me understand. Anyone with me on this?
Post # 3
Member
4684 posts
Honey bee
It’s relatively common around the Bee for the proposal (if there is one) and the ring to be separate events – either picking out the ring together before or after the proposal. I picked out my own ring, for example, FH bought it, and then he proposed to me with it. Some other Bees picked out the ring with their FI and then they were engaged, no proposal. Still others were proposed to with no ring, and chose a ring together afterwards.
Being surprised with a ring at the proposal is getting more and more uncommon, but it does still happen.
Post # 4
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@missamysmiles: I think some women want to be a part of the decision while others like the more “traditional waiting.” To me it’s just preference, like white gold or yellow gold. Also, different cultures have different traditions.
Post # 5
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I think there’s a multitude of reasons to explain what you’re seeing.
Some threads are just about the rings because a lot of people on here like jewelry. I am guilty of posting photos of my ring a lot, which zero mention of anything romantic. I don’t see anything wrong with that, though, since these types of threads are dedicated to admiring the rings.
Some people post their ring when they’re engaged because they’re so excited about it, and leave out the proposal story. I don’t really see anything wrong with this either.. some people don’t have a proposal per se. I didn’t. We just ordered the ring when the perfect one came up, because we had talked about getting married for ages, and we pretty much considered ourselves engaged already.
Some threads definitely come off as a bit insensitive and/or materialistic.. but it really depends on the situation. I think that those of us who care about what the ring looks like, and were lucky enough to have input, get it pretty easy. I feel for the girls who hate their rings. I asked my FI last night if he’d me mad if hypothetically he picked the ring himself and I hated it. He said it would never have occurred to him NOT to ask me about my taste in rings because he wouldn’t want to waste money on something I didn’t like.
I try not to be too judgmental. For some ladies, the ring is just a piece of metal that’s a symbol they’re taken. For others, it’s something to admire and take pride in, and show off etc., and to me, there’s nothing wrong with that. We all have our different interests. I was lucky… I got to pick my ring, my SO loves it too, and we could afford what I wanted. I’m not really in the position to say to another lady “suck it up, you should be happy with a twist tie”.
Post # 6
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
I am going to be the one to wear it for the rest of my life so I certainly wanted some major input into it’s design – in fact I wanted a iron fist in the matter.
My husband totally agreed – the times I would ask his opinions his response usually started with “you are the one who has to wear it.” But I’m a design nut, so is my husband, so this was totally normal for us. I am very particular about jewelry and who’s designs I wear. My husband did however pick out the diamond completely on his own, with no input from me. I was way more concerned about the design/ designer of my ring.
I guess I’m the opposite of you – I don’t get all this “woo woo” about the proposal, where it was at, is it romantic enough, was there a photographer there…etc… I’m an adult, getting married was a mutual decision between us, not something I needed (or wanted) to be surprised with one day and requiring him to be on bended knee in some elaborate set up to “ask” me.
Our marriage is a partnership, so was our decision to enter into it. I can’t imagine being on a different page than my husband, or pinning away hoping “today will be the day he will bless me with a proposal” Just not me, and I think it puts a weird imbalance of power in the relastionship too.
Post # 7
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
@canarydiamond: Thanks for your clarification – I completely get the boards just on rings – I love looking at them too!
I am definitely referring to the posts that are just specific to ‘here is my ring’ as if it’s the first time they’ve gotten it and you’d think someone is sharing something they just bought at the mall instead of a symbol of their engagement. That’s the part that confuses me.
I also appreciate that my SO asked my opinion and feel for girls that hate their ring! I still thing I’m talking about something a bit different!
Post # 8
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@MirnaMinkoff: I totally agree with you. We’re the same way.
Post # 9
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
@MirnaMinkoff: Thanks for you perspective! I definitely agree with being able to voice your say a bit too – I definitely have a unique vision for my ring.
I am still a bit of a romantic in the sense that I still think a man should make a grand gesture to propose marriage.
I don’t think it’s necessary to get in the whole debate about it – I get that every relationship is different.
If the decision to get married together is mutual decision before the wedding, then why the need for the ring altogether – I guess we’re just in that stage in society where we’re picking and choosing the traditions that suit us!
It’ll be interesting to see what things are like when our daughters get married!
Post # 10
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
@missamysmiles: I think it’s just a personal preference, like PP have said. I consider the ring a symbol – nothing more, nothing less. You can get engaged without a ring and you’re still engaged! It’s a symbol to show the world that you are engaged to be married. A sexist symbol at that – where’s his ring? Engagement rings were traditionally given as a financial insurance for the woman – if the man runs away, thus ruining her reputation, at least she can get some money for it. From wikipedia: “Tradition generally holds that if the betrothal fails because the man himself breaks off the engagement, the woman is not obliged to return the ring. This reflects the ring’s role as a form of compensation for the woman’s damaged reputation.” Where’s the romance in that!
I told my FI that I wanted to choose my ring, because I’m the one who will be wearing it forever. If I’m getting on board with an anti-feminist symbol, I’m damn well choosing it haha. I would never presume to buy him a gift with the *expectation* that he would be publically wearing it every hour of every day for the rest of his life. It’s too much pressure on the person buying the gift 🙂 The proposal was pressure enough, without that added surprise!
Having said that, he made me a necklace as a proposal present (he’s a metalworker) and I LOVE it even though I didn’t choose it, just because of the thought that went into it. So I can understand the significance of your fiance choosing a ring. However, even if I really hated how it looked I could still wear it under my clothes. You can’t really do that with a ring 😉
Ultimately, your relationship is the most important thing, whoever choses the symbol.
Post # 12
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
@missamysmiles: Oh, I’ve just seen this comment. I do know what you mean, but for me it’s about appreciating possibly the most beautiful (and expensive!) piece of jewellery you’ll ever own. That definitely deserves a separate board from the Proposal stories 😉
Post # 13
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
Well…there’ actually 2 separate boards for dealing with what you’re talking about. The Proposals board is normally where bees go to share their “He put a ring on it…” story. Then there is the Ring board where bees actually discuss all things rings. Normally, you won’t read a proposal story on the Ring board, but they do pop up occasionally.
So, if you’re actually looking for proposal stories try out the Proposals board…but not without a box of tissue first! 🙂
Post # 14
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
@missamysmiles: “If the decision to get married together is mutual decision before the wedding, then why the need for the ring altogether.”
My fiance and I made the mutual decision to get married and chose the ring together and even paid for it together. No proposal or grand gesture. But why shouldn’t I get to wear an engagement ring? I’m just as engaged as someone whose boyfriend does something elaborate for the proposal. I like having a ring on my finger because it’s pretty and when I look at it I feel happy about the commitment my fiance and I have made to each other.
I guess maybe I don’t understand exactly what you’re trying to say? Are you confused about people getting engaged and then picking out e-rings together afterward?
Post # 15
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
@DarlingClementine: I totally get that and appreciate your back story! It’s funny how traditions change and we take on new meanings to suit us.
I think when you’re choosing the ring together as a couple and there is still can be a lot of romance in that.
I guess my issue that I’m raising more than anything is when becomes very much about what is yours and your decision and the SO is seemingly completely out of the picture (on the boards).
That’s amazing about the necklace 🙂
Post # 16
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
@sailor_girl: No, I’m not – that statement was moreso a joke – acknowledging the fact that I realize we all pick and choose the traditions that suit us!
I just said in a PP that my issue that I’m raising more than anything is when it becomes very much about what is yours and your decision about the ring and the SO is seemingly completely out of the picture (on the boards).
