(Closed) Getting Antsy

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Bringing up a topic doesn’t force anyone to do anything. If someone asked if you were interested in getting a puppy, would that mean you were pressured into it?  

Youve just got some PTSD from your last relationship. Let that go.  You’re not going to be that person anymore.  You won’t let it get to that.  Just ask him his views on marriage. Try that. 

Post # 3
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You should definitely bring it up. The previous poster is right, it’s not going to force him to do it. But that’s the type of thing you should definitely talk about – where a relationship is going, and what future plans are is a really important thing to talk about. I know it’s hard after being strung along for that long, but this new guy is not your ex, and you owe it to yourself AND to him to be a straight shooter here. 

One thing I will say is that if he says no, and that he doesn’t see that in his future, you need to take that at face value and decide if the relationship is worth it to you if marriage isn’t in the cards. Don’t expect him to change what he wants. That’s why you should have this conversation now, so you both have all your cards on the table. 

You might be pleasantly surprised though! Bring it up. 

Post # 4
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee

Who are these men so sensitive and uptight that merely bringing up a serious topic causes them to feel so damn pressured and upset? Bee, if you want it to be HIS idea all by himself, while you sit back and wait quietly, here’s what’s in store for you:

He’s unlikely to bring it up anytime soon. He’s probably not even going to think about it all that much because YOU don’t seem to care, and why make things more complicated than they are? All the while, you’ll be getting antsier and antsier. You’ll drop passive aggressive hints that will backfire, and you’ll apply all kinds of wild interpretations to his responses and get yourself all the more upset. Then you’ll start to get resentful that he isn’t “picking up what you’re laying down.” This will build up and cause you to be upset with him about entirely unrelated things. You guys will be bickering a lot about little things. Eventually you’ll explode about it and FINALLY bring it all out into the open, but the damage will have already been done. 

I’m pretty much cataloguing this step by step from the months and months of reading this EXACT story on here. 

Alternative 2: Have an adult conversation about timelines for major life events. Converse deeply, openly, and honestly with your partner. Have a healthy, supportive, and frank relationship. Be the better for it. 

Your choice. 

Post # 5
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
DeniseSecunda :  

That pretty much sums it up.  Can we make a sticky out of it?

Post # 7
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry bee but you need to bring it up, if you want to marry this guy, you need to be willing and able to have an open and honest discussion about your future. 

Post # 13
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You’ve got to bring this up bee! The only way to make sure you don’t end up being “that girl” again is to voice your needs clearly and confidently! There is zero shame in being the one to initiate the discussion. Honestly, I think in the majority of relationships, the woman is the one who first brings this topic up. You need to find out where your partner’s head is on the topic of marriage. It’s been 3.5 years, time to stop beating around the bush!

In terms of how to bring it up, wait for a calm moment and just straight up ask him, “where do you see this relationship heading?” If he doesn’t give you a straight answer, just ask him, “do you see marriage in our future? If so when?” And just go from there. It’s hard to have this conversation the first time because it means you’re making yourself vulnerable. But it HAS to be done.

And please stop worrying that by merely initiating this discussion and making your own needs and desires known, you are somehow bullying this man into marrying you. On the contrary, doing so means you are are a confident person who knows what you want, aren’t afraid to articulate that, and will not be settling for less. Wishing you lots of luck!

Post # 14
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

“So I’ve been chill and never brought it up” 

This isn’t being chill. This is faux-chill, trying to hide how you’re really feeling, perhaps even from yourself. And there’s no reason you should expect yourself to feel chill or at least act like you feel chill when this is an issue important to you. He’s your partner, talk to him. 

Post # 15
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee

Are you an active participant in your life together as a couple or not?

Bring this up to him, about how you feel, that you are looking for marriage long term and if that is something he is looking for. If it’s that important you ended a 10 yer relationship over it, I’m not sure why you haven’t brought it up already. 

Proceed based on the discussion, but please bee be an active participant in choosing and deciding your future and advocate for yourself.

 

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