Post # 1
Going anon here,
I can’t believe I’m actually asking this question out loud, but should I?
A quick backstory, we’re both 28 and have been dating for two years. I broke up with him end of last year and besides one slip up a few months back, we basically had no contact. I left because I never felt like I was a priority and he would often say really hurtful things to me, things that can’t be taken back. He hurt me a lot, making decisions without including me, little lies here and there etc. Once we had a disagreement when we were out and he just drove off leaving me stranded without a way home. That was pretty much the beginning of the end. Obviously when things are good, we’ll really happy too.
Now, I was heartbroken when I ended it and although I’m no longer in tears everyday lately, I know I miss and love him. A few days ago, he basically came to me and apologized for everything and wanted another chance. Im super conflicted on what to do. Im not sure if I can trust him to have changed and risk it all again, it really crushed me. I could either be really happy or devastated again. Any advice?
Post # 2
What has he done that leads you to believe he has changed so much since the end of last year that he would not say ugly things to you again, or strand you again. Those are pretty fundamental changes to make in a few months. So, I’d say stay the course on your current life, you’re past the worst part of the break-up pain enjoy your life without him.
Post # 3
Do not get back together with him. You didn’t break up because of a single disagreement that’s since been resolved or an isolated mistake that you’ve forgiven.. you broke up because he consistently mistreated and disrespected you.
It’s very common to have second thoughts a few months after a break up. Don’t give into it – you broke up for a reason and that reason is still there.
Post # 4
No. Of course you shouldn’t take him back.
He would often say really hurtful things to me, things that can’t be taken back. This is the definition of verbal abuse.
He hurt me a lot, making decisions without me, little lies here and there, etc. Lies are lies. I am almost afraid to ask what the ‘etc’ was.
. . . he just drove off leaving me stranded without a way home. The cherry on top of the parfait.
No, Bee. He has not changed. Abusive assholes don’t change. He’s trying to Hoover you back in—totally predictable.
You don’t love him. You love the guy you thought you were getting in the beginning. He doesn’t exist. Traumatic bonds are harder to break than healthy ones, that’s why you’re having trouble letting go. Think Stockholm Syndrome. Read The Betrayal Bond, by Dr Patrick Carnes. Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Do anything but take this jerk back.
Post # 5
msgirlygal : i didn’t read your post because 1 – if you gotta ask strangers on the internet about this then you know the answer already and 2 – exes are exes for a reason.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
What leads you to believe he has actually changed? Has he attended counselling, dealt with some major demons he was facing, kick an addictive habit that turned him into a lunatic? If he hasnt done any of these things, it’s very VERY unlikely that he’s changed. Chances are, he’s just realized that not every woman would take the shit & abuse he doles out and so he’s come crawling back to you because you took it once, so chances are, you’ll take it again. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. He has shown you who he is many many times and you believed him once… unless you have reason to believe that he’s done some serious sole-searching ( and even then, I’d be wary), thats who he is. Walk away!
Post # 7
No way. Said things that cant be taken back? Hurt you? Left you stranded? Sorry, but if you take him back, you’re just telling him youre a doormat that will take him back no matter what he does imo. And I imagine things might be great for a little, then it’s gonna suck and your gonna be hurt again…. he’ll apologize, it’ll be great… and then the cycle continues. Break the cycle now. Walk away.
Post # 8
msgirlygal : Don’t take him back. He will devestate you again. Second chances are for when someone makes a mistake — like a one-time mistake — and does something out of character, that they are truly sorry for. He is just a shitty human being. A second chance is not going to fix that. However happy you think you could possibly be with him, you could also be that happy with someone else who did not say mean hurtful things to you and drive off leaving you stranded. That’s actually really dangerous, and I would be supsicious that his sudden about-face is to get you vulnerable again so he can do some serious damage to punishment you for leaving him. Don’t fall for it. Go back to No-Contact, bee. It will be easier and safer.
Post # 9
Left you stranded? Yeah, I know what bee you are.
If you take this guy back you will regret it big-time.
Post # 10
So what exactly changed other than he figured out that acting remorseful gets him laid?
Has he gone to therapy?
Worked through some 12 step program for whatever the appropriate affliction may be?
Taken some eat, pray, love journey path to enlightment?
It isn’t like you have been separated a decade, grew up and matured, and had life hand you some lessons to grow from. It has been six months – that is not enough time to change from being an asshole. Basically, all that means is he’s horny, you’re lonely, and the devil you know always seems easier than the devil you don’t know because tricking other women into believing you are actually a decent guy is way harder than preying on the emotions of someone who is already invested. Picking the path of least resistance isn’t a good foundation for a relationship.
Post # 12
msgirlygal : I dont think i could ever forgive a guy who kicked me out of the car and left me stranded somewhere during a disagreement.
God forbid you disagree with anything he says while out of the house. Sounds like great husband and father material.
Post # 14
Do not get back together with him!!! He says things to hurt you, he left you stranded on the side of a road! These are not things that change. Ha just manipulating you. Please realize this.
Post # 15
Anyone can change for a short time. Do you really believe he won’t be back to his former treatment of you within a few months? Because he will. You love the idea of who he could be, not who he really is. Find someone you want to be with all of the time, not just when things are good.