Post # 1
I recently asked my boyfriend of 6 years why he doesn’t want to move in together yet (we are 28 and 29), he told me the biggest reason is he really likes freedom of having his own space and time.
He can stay up until 2am on weekends to play video games, can have his living space however he wants, and can make whatever he wants to for meals. I also wake up a lot earlier than he does, esp on weekends, and he can’t back to sleep if I get out of bed and wake him up.
He says spending too much time with anyone in person stresses him out (he needs about two hours a day generally to decompress), but we have made progress from one evening a week together in person to two, in general. I asked him how things were when he lived with his parents and he said generally he stayed in his room a lot of the time.
He has a solid job, so it does not interfere with his career. He sees friends generally once a month or so.
What can I do to make him not stressed to spend a lot of time with me? I think giving him two hours a day to himself is reasonable, but any other ideas? I absolutely would not want him to feel emotionally drained, but eventually I’d want to move in together and spend time together daily.
Post # 2
lauralaura123 : honestly, I think he’s making excuses.
Both my husband and I value our time alone. We do our own thing when we need to. He stays up playing video games. We wake up at different times.
It takes a while to get used to living to someone but there are ways round everything he’s identified as a ‘problem’.
Post # 3
I know we don’t have the full picture, but from the info you shared – your relationship is going nowhere, slowly.
It is absolutely NOT normal that after 6 years (and at ages 28/29) you only see each other 2X per week and have made no progress towards moving in, engagement, etc. Even when you’re dating someone who is really introverted.
It sounds like he’s comfortable with how things are and doesn’t want any more. He has a cool cute chick to hang out with 1 or 2 times a week. He’s fine with that level of “commitment” and doesn’t want anything more.
You made no mention of marriage/ engagement but if that is what your ultimate goal is in this relationship, it’s pdibably time for a “come to Jesus” chat and likely a breakup. Or else you’re going to wake up in 10 more years and be in the exact same situation (unless he meets the girl he actually will move mountains to be with and dumps you first).
Post # 4
I agree with dgirl715 : . 1-2 evenings together after 6 years is crazy. He should be wanting to spend as much time as possible with you if the relationship is going somewhere.
Post # 5
Is it possible that he’s in a relationship with someone else too? That’s a stretch for me to say, but it popped into my mind as to why he’s only ok with just two days a week after six years
Post # 6
He doesn’t want to move in and there is no way to make him. He is happy with the type of relationship you have. Living apart together is becoming more popular so there are couples that do that, but is has to be mutually agreed. It sound like you want a different type of relatiosnhip. As long as you both have been honest about is and there has been no lying about expectations then it’s ok to want different things. Not everyone wants to go the “normal” route. You need to decide what you want and then have a good discussion with him. It is unfortuately likely that you want different thing.
Post # 7
Sansa85 : no, he barely has enough emotional energy for one romantic relationship and we keep in touch in the evenings over Hangouts. He is just a very introverted person.
Post # 8
rez123 : I’ve told him that I want to move in together eventually and he agreed. He wants a family one day as do I. I am ok with waiting, I am enjoying freedom of time and space as well for now BUT I don’t want it to stretch into indefinite territory.
Post # 9
I can’t believe you are with this guy, just based on this post alone! 6 years he’s almost 30 and he’s afraid of living together?? Give me a break! It just sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. He’s not interested in moving things forward with you.
Post # 10
Be realistic with yourself for a moment. Will this man ever be able to deal with the time and energy requirements of a marriage and children? Can you picture him spending hours per day focused on others? That’s what it will take, and I don’t know if he’s up to it. Sorry, Bee. Even if marriage is something he can agree to, someone who requires two hours of decompression time per day won’t get it with kids in the picture. They don’t understand introversion and will want to be with their dad. He’ll burn out eventually, and one day you’ll come home from work having just picked up your kids from daycare, and he’ll be gone.
Post # 11
You definitely need to start increasing your time spent together. Do you spend full weekends together? Have you gone on week long vacations?
Post # 12
bouviebee : I agree. This guy may conceptually want a family but IF (and that’s a huge if) he ever gets there, he’s going to be miserable. And OP will be miserable because she’s doing 99% of the work at home while her Darling Husband is off “decompressing” for hours on end.
Post # 13
lauralaura123 : Two questions for you to ponder:
1. Why have you hitched your wagon to this unbelievably unavailable guy? Do you believe no one else will want to spend time with you every day? Do you believe you’re unworthy of a guy who wants to make a real commitment?
2. How long are you willing to wait. You’re 29. In 7-8 more years, your fertility is going to start to plummet. How do you know this guy will ever follow through with what he “agreed to” regarding a family? How will you feel if you spend your entire 13-15 good years of fertility before he decides he really can’t handle to time and emotional commitment of children?
If you’re truly honest with yourself, I think you’ll admit that you’re not happy or satisified with the current level of commitment he’s offering and he isn’t showing you any concrete steps to show he wants to offer any more.
You certainly don’t have to answer to me, but you should answer those questions for yourself- and truthfully.
Post # 14
You literally have 800 posts describing in great detail why this guy is a crappy partner, and still you persist! Whyyyyyy? I can’t think of a single reason why you should be with this guy.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You can’t make him want to move in together or want to spend more time together. That has to come from him. If you are okay with how the relationship is now, and you have some idea of when this restricted access is going to come to an end, then that’s fine. Everyone has different relationship parameters. However, if you’re just floating through this waiting for changes to happen, then I think you’re going to end up disappointed.
I think he’s comfortable with how things are and currently has no reason to change the dynamic at all.