Getting boyfriend acclimated towards living together

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

lauralaura123 :  Good luck with all that. You’re delusional if you think there is a difference in dating for 5 years and 10 months and 6 years. If he was ever going to commit to you, he already would have…

Post # 48
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee

I’m glad you’ve seen the point we were all trying to make and I’m glad you’re not going to wait around forever, but why can’t you have a conversation today?

You don’t have a timeline for engagement or even moving in.

Wait.

You don’t even have a timeline for seeing each other for more than two days a week……6 years in.

Do you really think he’s going to propose/commit to moving in in a matter of several weeks? Or commit to 5 days a week of being around you?

I think you need to ask yourself: What kind of progress is going to satisfy you? Seeing each other 5 days a week by May with a timeline for moving in and then engagement? Is this all really feasible given his personality and your dynamic?

Personally I think this is a lost cause and you’re better off moving on, but it will take time for you to get to that point and at least you’re open to our comments. Good luck 

Post # 49
Member
6899 posts
Busy Beekeeper

lauralaura123 :  Really, Bee, why waste another two months? If he honestly tells you tomorrow that he has no idea when or if he’ll ever be ready to live together, let alone get married, that’s two more months you have toward your new life. If he is willing to commit tomorrow then you have two months to plan a wonderful anniversary celebration. There is no reason to wait, this is your life. 

Post # 50
Member
621 posts
Busy bee

You deserve better. This guy is not relationship material. 

I am extremely introverted and need time away from people as well but that typically doesn’t include my SO. I don’t consider him “people” and he does not emotionally and mentally drain me. 

If he finds you draining, that’s a sign that it’s not right. It really shouldn’t be like pulling teeth to get someone who loves you to spend time with you. Coming from an introvert, I think you should cut your losses with this guy. 

Post # 51
Member
10085 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He only wants you when it’s convenient to him. 

Why don’t you think you deserve more than this?

Post # 52
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

ArcadiaRose :  

I agree very much with this. 

As an introverted person who finds most social interactions draining, I don’t find it to be that way with my fiance and never really have. 

OP, even if you can move in with this guy and give him all the space he needs–do you really want that? Who wants to come home to someone who can only tolerate them 2/7 days a week? Is this really what’s going to be best for him and you?

Post # 53
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  

I’m very much like you. My parents each had a cargo load of baggage when I was growing up and they were too busy dealing with it or bickering to pay too much attention to me. My brother and I spent lots of time shuttling back and forth and tons of time amusing ourselves and were pushed to be very independent from a young age. As the older child, I was even more so.

The upshot of this is that I have developed into an extremely strong, resourceful and independent person. But I know I am not on any spectrum or anything like it. I have not shied away from relationships at all, and like you, have had many dating experiences and romantic relationships. I require much more space and autonomy and alone time than the average person, but this is simply to recharge and do and be the things that make me who I am… I have rich connections with the people in my life, and as soon as I’m done recharging, I seek them out.

Like you, having someone invade my space creeps me out. Brushing teeth together in the bathroom! I have broken up with someone for that before (there were a lot of little things like that). A relationship that moves slowly and is respectful of each person’s space is ideal for me, and is what I have now.

Bottom line: there’s a difference between someone who just has a high need for autonomy and alone time and someone who avoids intimacy altogether. Sadly, it sounds like the OP’s boyfriend might be the latter.

Post # 54
Member
4545 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

lauralaura123 :  you ‘acclimate’ a pet or even a newborn baby to something like a new home or environment. You don’t ‘acclimate’ a nearly 30 year old man you are in a relationship with into seeing you more than twice a week or living together. 😕

OP, you’ve been together a long time and you post often on here about issues in your relationship. None of what you post has ever had any bee respond favourably about the state of your relationship. Walk away now from this guy. Don’t waste more of your time. You are 6 years in and you had to negotiate him seeing you twice a week.  At that rate your relationship has progressed over six years, you’ll finally get to see him 7 nights a week in 15 years time.  🙄

Post # 55
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I didn’t read every response.

But I was in a similar boat. I own my house and my xFH owns his house. I couldn’t sell mine till the last possible minute after getting married due to some stipulations in my loan, which meant that (thanks to the other stipulation that I live here as long as I own it) I couldn’t move in with him. He lived close to his work and didn’t want to leave that area (which I totally get). As a result, we saw each other once a week. Then once every two weeks. Then I couldn’t get him to come over at all and only saw him on the nights his grandma cooked dinner for the entire freakin’ family of 20+ people. He used to spend the night here but stopped well over a year ago with no explanation. He adamantly did not want me in his house (that was going to become our house once we were married) and when I went to pick something up from him, he was waiting for me outside with the item.

I broke it off.

Post # 56
Member
7122 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

So basically the jest of it is you’ve wasted 6 years with a man-child who has no intentions of moving the relationship forward. If he did, you guys would be living together. At almost 30 years old you don’t need 6 years to determine if you want to get married and start a life with someone – nor do you need to get acclimated to the thought of living together. 

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to open your eyes. Right now you’ve got a lot of excuses for why he is the way he is. The bottom line isn’t that you are the only girl who can “understand” why he is this way….you’re just the only girl who is gullible to fall for it and continue to put up with it.

Post # 57
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

So, it’s May.  Have you talked to him about moving the relationship forward? How did that go?  I’m guessing not well.  You are wasting your life with this guy.  One day you will wake up with more of your life behind you then ahead and you’ll wonder where all the time went.  I am not saying this to be mean but to shake you into action.   I was in a bad relationship once too.  Someone doesn’t have to be a bad person for it to be a bad relationship and I think that’s why I stayed so long.  I thought if we broke up it had to be because of something horrible not just because it wasn’t the right relationship for me.  We finally did break up though and for a long time after all I could wonder was, how did I stay so long?  Life was so much better without him.  And there wasn’t another guy waiting in the sidelines.  I was single for a loooooong time after.  I had just decided that I would rather be alone than in a relationship that didn’t make me happy.  Don’t stay with someone who isn’t right for you because you’re afraid no one else will have you.  It’s ok to be alone.  You’ll probably find it’s preferable than being with someone who chips away at your self esteem or makes you feel less than or just doesn’t make you happy.  You’ll also never meet anyone who does make you happy or see what kind of life is out there for you while you’re stuck in the unhappy one you have now.  

Post # 58
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

My fiance and I have been living together for 5 years and we love having our own space. I think it is important for both people in a relationship to have their own space. If you are willing to accept him as he is let him know that he can still do all those things when you live together, if you expect that because you are living together things will change then don’t move in together.  I have been with my fiance for 6 and a half years and havent had a single fight, because we respect each other, give each other space, and agree to disagree. It’s simple really. 

Ask your self what you are expecting from him when you live together? and ask him what he would want it to be like as well. A little bit of compromise ( one both people truly agree on ) is perfectly fine, but sacrifice will lead to resentment. It’s good to make sure you are both on the same page. 

Maybe have him spend a couple weeks at your place or you spend a couple weeks at his place just to try it out? with no pressure? I find that often when you let go of the pressure people enjoy the situatuon much more 🙂 

Post # 59
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

lauralaura123 :  My boyfriend will take an evening to himself 1-2 times a week. He’s an only child and likes his space. I personally would find two hours per day unreasonable. Have you two ever discussed children? Because he will NOT get two hours a day alone as a parent.

My boyfriend and I set our budget when looking at rentals and decided what our wants and needs are. I wanted a guest bedroom, he wants an office, and I wanted an office. So we have a 2,400 square foot 4 bedroom townhouse – I have my office and I’ve turned the walk in closet into a craft room; he has his office next to mine, and the garage is a workshop for cars. It works perfect for us.

Post # 60
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

No point in echoing every PP.

 

It’s the end of May. Any updates?

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