Getting engaged after partner had an affair. Having doubts but I made mistakes.

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Nope, nope, nope. Leave him. Do not marry him.

His affair is in no way your fault. However, inadvisable I think a threesome with a friend is, you agreed to one night that you were apart of. You didn’t agree to his long term affair and deceit. It sounds like he only ended it because you caught him and the fact they are still in contact just shows a complete lack of remorse on his part.

Leave and spend sometime alone, you deserve better.

camelliasinensis14 :  

Post # 3
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

 

This sounds very messy. I’d be livid they went behind my back and continued without me but it doesn’t make it ok that you were even there to begin with. That’s just…. unthinkable to me to see my partner with another woman. I am sure you’ve seen the error of this decision when you opened that door so let’s leave that there, for now. 

How old are you both? How long was their considerably long affair? 

Has he shown remorse and is he willing to do what it takes to regain your trust? Would it be enough for you? 

Have you tried counselling after this affair came to light to re-establish ground rules that were destroyed when a third person became part of your lives, albeit willingly at first.

When they snuck out behind your back huge trust barriers were broken and these need mending before you jump the next hurdle. 

Are you getting married because you want to or because you know that she wants him too and you want to get him down the aisle first? You’ve been together a long time and only now it’s time to take the next step? Has the affair pushed this decision forward or your love for each other? 

Pre-martial counselling is very necessary with these issues, don’t go ahead without this next or else you won’t find any peace. 

 

Post # 4
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

camelliasinensis14 :  the boundaries surrounding the threesome were agreed to beforehand and he crossed those boundaries. He cheated. Every time after the threesome, he crossed boundaries. You didn’t force him to cross boundaries, he chose to. Your “friend” chose to get involved knowing that she had feelings for your boyfriend and continued to let him cross boundaries afterwards. They both betrayed you.

marriage won’t make the doubts go away. It’s going to make them worst and you’re going to be stuck with him. Your lives will be even more intertwined than they already are. Maybe you can work through this but I wouldn’t talk about engagement for a long time until you’ve worked through it. If you choose to work through it, I’d recommend ending contact with your friend – both of you. The fact that he’s still in contact with her, shows he has no remorse for crossing boundaries.

Also just wondering – did all the talk of engagement happen after the cheating? You say you’ve been living together for many years, had engagement came up before? If he’s been reluctant to get married previously and is now happy to go ring shopping, I’d probably say it’s out of fear that you’ll leave him for cheating and it’s a bribe for you to stay. You don’t need someone who is using marriage as a bribe, you deserve someone who wants to marry you because they want to.

Post # 5
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Whether you would have a threesome or not is irrelevant. They made a decision together as a couple. That is in no way justification for them to then carry on an affair.

RayofLight :  

Post # 6
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I dont blame you for the affair, the both of you set ground rules and he broke them by going outside the set arrangment. Couple that with a “friend” that is attracted to your partner and that set the stage for her opening chance at him (which I am sure you were not aware of the attraction beforehand).  Have you told him that you still are struggling with trust issues?

I would extend the engagement until you have a more solid footing and come to terms with the the betryal (if that is what you wish), people do make mistakes and it can take a long time to regain that trust but it takes both people to make that work. 

Post # 7
Member
3782 posts
Honey bee

Guilty and responsible? No. Naive and dumb? Yes.

Opening up your sex life to let another person come in is a hazardous proposition if you’re a monogamist at heart. It’s fine if you’re willing to have an open relationship, but if you’re not, you’re playing with fire. At some point it can be difficult to separate what is purely physical from what is emotional. Many people can’t separate the two at all. 

So you learned something. But if he truly regretted his affair he wouldn’t still be in contact with his affair partner. It sounds like a big mess and I wouldn’t be interested in tying myself to it with a marriage. But that’s me; the idea of a threesome has never been a turn-on for me, just the opposite in fact. (And I have been asked to participate as the extra, but it wouldn’t happen in this lifetime or the next)

 

Post # 8
Member
1208 posts
Bumble bee

Blame aside, this relationship does not have a solid foundation on which to build and trust in a committment. 

Honestly, let this relationship go. Imho

Post # 9
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

There is no way I am blaming OP for their affair. And nowhere do I write she is responsible for them sneaking behind her back. Just that in my opinion threesomes are a bad way to fight boredom in a long term relationship and this is one of the reasons why. My post even asks what steps HE has taken make her feel safe in the relationship again. This is his mess to clean up. Has he been doing it and if even if he is, is it enough?  MancBee :  

Post # 10
Member
9543 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Absolutely do not marry this guy. So what if the threesome was your idea, that in no way makes it acceptable to cheat. Listen to the feelings of doubt and uncertainty.

Post # 12
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Looks like he’s made his decision, but do you still want to marry him after everything that’s happened? 

You’ve been together for  four years but you mentioned their affair went on for part of this time. Your gut instinct is telling you that you have doubts.

This sounds half-hearted from both sides tbh. But only a professional can tell you if there is anything left worth staying for. 

Given the history and that you still love him and want this to work out, I still think your next steps should be counselling, not ring shopping. 

Post # 13
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Don’t focus on rings. Get a counselor and focus on your doubts. There was a serious betrayal here.

Post # 14
Member
4058 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

To show he’s sorry after having an affair isn’t a good reason to get engaged. You know that. That’s why it doesn’t feel right. 

Post # 15
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Why is he still in contact with her? How is that even remotely acceptable? Also, I am throwing my hat in the don’t marry him ring. Since you want to stay I would make counseling a requirement before engagement 

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