Getting engaged after partner had an affair. Having doubts but I made mistakes.

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 181
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

kayaa :  I meant to state it started the same way , they wanted to swing with there friends , my sister backed out with her friends husband and it was too late everything already happened and they swore/promised it was a one time thing that it would never happen again. A few years later my sister and her friends husband found out that they’re spouses were still seeing each other. Both are still married and miserable because they have kids. all i was saying to OP that marriage wont save this relationship and if they ened up having kids it’s harder to leave. OP needs to get out now while she still can 

Post # 182
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

MissCtoMrsR :  OH I KNOW!!!! I try to talk to her about her moving on and starting her life over but she doesn’t want to break her daughters heart . she wants her daughter to be happy and graduate stress free in the next coming years with her friends , so she said that’s the only thing holding her back. I see her snap at her SO all the time at family events and its so obvious that she hates him. Thankfully my niece doesn’t pick up on it , Its just a terrible situation. 

Post # 183
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

Of course your niece must have picked up on it! Kids are much more intuitive than adults, especially with negative emotions that are surrounding them and no one is talking or explaining why. She may blame herself for her mother’s misery in later years, that could be much worse. 

Trust me, I grew up in an atmosphere that sounds as toxic  as your nieces, for differenr reasons. Kids know, they know before the parents even do.  diamondgirl523 :  

Post # 184
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

diamondgirl523 :  I’ve lived in a home where my parents didn’t like each other, and my sibling and I weren’t oblivious. People may not think it’s affecting the kid but it definitely is! I held so much resentment over my parents for what they thought was “putting us first”

Post # 185
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

RayofLight :  omg that is a good way of putting things into prospective! i will definitely bring that up the next time around! the part when you said blaming herself for her mothers misery i have never even thought about saying that! good point. 

MissCtoMrsR :  Another good point you made as well i am taking all of this in because i have been trying to help her leave her husband for the past 3 years over her situation!!!! 

Post # 186
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I could never marry someone who cheated on me so my answer is NO. Leave him and it will save you from all the heartache of being with someone you don’t trust. You deserve so much better. 

Post # 188
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry this has happened, but please believe me that everything happens for a reason and as bad as this feels to you in the moment, it is only freeing you up for something fabulous!  Grieve the end of the relationship, catch your breath, and then go create an amazing life for yourself!!! Wishing you the best.   camelliasinensis14 :  

Post # 189
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

I’m very sorry, OP. I’m sending hugs. Please give yourself the time you need to heal from this breakup. It’s going to hurt for a while, but ultimately, you will be glad you got out of this relationship before marriage.

Post # 190
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

OMG so sorry to hear about this update OP. 🙁

You will be ok. It will be tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you look back at this in a year or two you will be so happy that you didn’t follow through and marry this man.

Post # 191
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

camelliasinensis14 :  You can love someone (or do you love who you thought he was?) and still admit to yourself that they are a shitty partner and know that you deserve better than that. Best of luck sorting things out, it wll be worth it in the long run. 

Also quick note, he wanted to tell you about the affair before you found out first? You discovered after an entire year….plenty of time…just another excuse so you don’t get mad at him. 

Post # 193
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee

camelliasinensis14 :  

oh im so sorry.

HUGS.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, ok? Say it with me now – THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

Nothing you did, said, suggested etc. lead to this. He is a dirt bag and would have shown his true colors eventually, thank goodness its before you got a ring. What a wimp, seriously. 

You will get through this, i promise. Talk to a legal expert on how to split the house and things inside. Other than house stuff you dont need to communicate with him. That includes when he randomly texts you hes sorry or misses you or any of that other crap, which will come in time.

Drink some wine, call your bestie, cry, do whatever you need to do, then listen to some beyonce and SLAY GIRL! You dont need him. 

Post # 194
Member
6580 posts
Bee Keeper

Bee I’m so sorry. I’m so angry for you. But you need to be smart now. 

Book an appointment with a lawyer, for TOMORROW. You need to look at your options since both of you own this house. (IIRC) Realistically he should move out and live with her, and you can buy him out (if you have $) or he can continue to pay his share of bills until the home is sold. 

Post # 195
Member
6645 posts
Bee Keeper

camelliasinensis14 :  At least you now know what you need to do.

1.) Protect yourself. Don’t try to be the nice guy to the man who cheated on you with your friend and has been lying to you ever since. Don’t worry about coming out of this as friends–it’s not going to happen. You may need to ask for more than your fair share to end up with your fair share. Don’t give away anything you want to keep. Don’t be afraid to get a lawyer.

2.) You are not to blame. You did not cause this. This was his choice. And don’t be surprised when he cheats on her. 

3.) Take care of yourself. Be grateful that you did not waste more of your life on him. He is not a good person!! 

Hugs. Lots of hugs. 

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