Post # 181
kayaa : I meant to state it started the same way , they wanted to swing with there friends , my sister backed out with her friends husband and it was too late everything already happened and they swore/promised it was a one time thing that it would never happen again. A few years later my sister and her friends husband found out that they’re spouses were still seeing each other. Both are still married and miserable because they have kids. all i was saying to OP that marriage wont save this relationship and if they ened up having kids it’s harder to leave. OP needs to get out now while she still can
Post # 182
MissCtoMrsR : OH I KNOW!!!! I try to talk to her about her moving on and starting her life over but she doesn’t want to break her daughters heart . she wants her daughter to be happy and graduate stress free in the next coming years with her friends , so she said that’s the only thing holding her back. I see her snap at her SO all the time at family events and its so obvious that she hates him. Thankfully my niece doesn’t pick up on it , Its just a terrible situation.
Post # 183
Of course your niece must have picked up on it! Kids are much more intuitive than adults, especially with negative emotions that are surrounding them and no one is talking or explaining why. She may blame herself for her mother’s misery in later years, that could be much worse.
Trust me, I grew up in an atmosphere that sounds as toxic as your nieces, for differenr reasons. Kids know, they know before the parents even do. diamondgirl523 :
Post # 184
diamondgirl523 : I’ve lived in a home where my parents didn’t like each other, and my sibling and I weren’t oblivious. People may not think it’s affecting the kid but it definitely is! I held so much resentment over my parents for what they thought was “putting us first”
Post # 185
RayofLight : omg that is a good way of putting things into prospective! i will definitely bring that up the next time around! the part when you said blaming herself for her mothers misery i have never even thought about saying that! good point.
MissCtoMrsR : Another good point you made as well i am taking all of this in because i have been trying to help her leave her husband for the past 3 years over her situation!!!!
Post # 186
I could never marry someone who cheated on me so my answer is NO. Leave him and it will save you from all the heartache of being with someone you don’t trust. You deserve so much better.
Post # 187
Yesterday was an awful evening. I guess I’ve been in denial for a long time, thinking that our relationship was improving, although after I found out that he was still talking to her, I think I knew it wasn’t right.
When I told him that he shouldn’t get a ring as we both have doubts, he almost looked relieved. Pretty much confirmed what I’ve been scared about all this while. I asked him if he actually wanted to get married, and he wouldn’t give me a clear answer.
He eventually said that he knew he had repeatedly delayed proposing to me in the past (he used to keep postponing saying he needed more time, will propose soon, etc) and felt very guilty about keeping me hanging, and also because he hurt me so much. I asked him whether he actually wanted to be with me, and he was evasive for a long time before ultimately admitting that he was still in love with her. And that we wanted to go back to being with her. He said he was sorry and that he had wanted to tell me himself about their affair but I found out before he could. He said that because of how hurt I was, he felt that he should stay, at least until things calmed down.
I asked him if she knew and what was going on, and turns out that she agreed to wait for him to sort things out, and then end his relationship with me, so that they can be together. So it’s over between us.
I spent the whole night awake yesterday and just don’t know what to do. I don’t want us to break up, and strangely I still love him, but knowing what I know now, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
There’s also so much to work out, as in addition to owning a house together, we have two dogs, and are tied up financially in some ways.
diamondgirl523 : No, we haven’t been friends since I discovered the affair.
Post # 188
I’m so sorry this has happened, but please believe me that everything happens for a reason and as bad as this feels to you in the moment, it is only freeing you up for something fabulous! Grieve the end of the relationship, catch your breath, and then go create an amazing life for yourself!!! Wishing you the best. camelliasinensis14 :
Post # 189
I’m very sorry, OP. I’m sending hugs. Please give yourself the time you need to heal from this breakup. It’s going to hurt for a while, but ultimately, you will be glad you got out of this relationship before marriage.
Post # 190
OMG so sorry to hear about this update OP. 🙁
You will be ok. It will be tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you look back at this in a year or two you will be so happy that you didn’t follow through and marry this man.
Post # 191
camelliasinensis14 : You can love someone (or do you love who you thought he was?) and still admit to yourself that they are a shitty partner and know that you deserve better than that. Best of luck sorting things out, it wll be worth it in the long run.
Also quick note, he wanted to tell you about the affair before you found out first? You discovered after an entire year….plenty of time…just another excuse so you don’t get mad at him.
Post # 192
cart : everythingpink : californiasun : Thank you. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle everything.
lunaghost : Yes, he said that. He didn’t say it directly but I think he was planning to tell me and leave me for her last year but then I found out before he could tell me.
Post # 193
oh im so sorry.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, ok? Say it with me now – THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Nothing you did, said, suggested etc. lead to this. He is a dirt bag and would have shown his true colors eventually, thank goodness its before you got a ring. What a wimp, seriously.
You will get through this, i promise. Talk to a legal expert on how to split the house and things inside. Other than house stuff you dont need to communicate with him. That includes when he randomly texts you hes sorry or misses you or any of that other crap, which will come in time.
Drink some wine, call your bestie, cry, do whatever you need to do, then listen to some beyonce and SLAY GIRL! You dont need him.
Post # 194
Bee I’m so sorry. I’m so angry for you. But you need to be smart now.
Book an appointment with a lawyer, for TOMORROW. You need to look at your options since both of you own this house. (IIRC) Realistically he should move out and live with her, and you can buy him out (if you have $) or he can continue to pay his share of bills until the home is sold.
Post # 195
camelliasinensis14 : At least you now know what you need to do.
1.) Protect yourself. Don’t try to be the nice guy to the man who cheated on you with your friend and has been lying to you ever since. Don’t worry about coming out of this as friends–it’s not going to happen. You may need to ask for more than your fair share to end up with your fair share. Don’t give away anything you want to keep. Don’t be afraid to get a lawyer.
2.) You are not to blame. You did not cause this. This was his choice. And don’t be surprised when he cheats on her.
3.) Take care of yourself. Be grateful that you did not waste more of your life on him. He is not a good person!!
Hugs. Lots of hugs.