Getting engaged after partner had an affair. Having doubts but I made mistakes.

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 271
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

chocco :  That’s why I said *good* threesomes 🙂 Threesomes happen for all kinds of reasons, with all kinds of motivations behind them. But in my experience, when a couple embarks upon that kind of experiment without communicating effectively (as in ignoring one partner’s reservations or not making boundaries clear) or while harboring secret desires to continue a relationship with the “guest star”, it’s not necessarily going to end well or even be pleasurable for all concerned. It’s also generally not a very good indication of how the relationship is going (I feel like a venn diagram would be helpful here!). 

Post # 272
Member
35 posts
Newbee

camelliasinensis14 :  you have to learn to let go of it, don’t expect apologize from this kind of person. She was selfish enough to do all this behind you, obviously this woman has no shame. Focus on what’s coming ahead than fixing what’s passed. 

Post # 273
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

camelliasinensis14 :  Fuck her and an apology. You don’t want it anyway as it won’t be sincere. It’s not worth your time to focus on that tiny detail. She’s a shitty person who doesn’t respect herself or other women.

Is there an area of the house that you can ‘claim’ in a way? Like a den with a door or a room or something? Move a tv  or something in there. A back door you can use instead of the main door? Or heck, can you even hang a sheet in a doorway and say ‘this area is mine’. ?

It sucks you are going through this. I’ve been cheated on too – and the result ended in a baby on his end. I focused on that anger and it helped me not focus on the good things we had. When you focus on the bad and let that anger drive you to do so, the healing process is much faster.

Post # 275
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

camelliasinensis14 :  That would be a good idea! Get his things out of your sight so it’s not a reminder to you. Delete pictures and messages. Block him on social media. Things he got you over the years – either throw them out or put in a box. Little reminders are not helpful when going through this. You can do this!

I once took a Coach purse my ex bought me and ripped it to shreds with a butcher knife. Burning it wouldn’t have smelled so great. Ha. But it made me feel so good!

Post # 277
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

At least you can live comfortably on your own until the sale takes place now that he’s moving out, with no awkwardness to deal with with either of them. Good luck. 

Post # 278
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

OP- how’s everything going, you okay?

Post # 280
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

camelliasinensis14 :  a work friend of mine split up with her fiancé because he cheated on her. They owned a house together and had to sell because neither of them could afford to buy the other out and service the loan as an individual. My work friend managed to negotiate with the help of her lawyer that the ex fiancé would pick up the full tab for costs associated with selling the house. He paid for the few things that needed to be upgraded to make the house sell and he also paid the realestate agents commission for selling the house. My friends argument was that she wouldn’t have had to sell the house if he’d kept his d*ck in his pants.

I’d try to negotiate and see if you can get your ex to cover the costs associated with selling. You shouldn’t have to pick up half the tab for that seeings it was his poor behaviour that is forcing you to have to sell your home. It’s a long shot but it would probably feel very satisfying to make him sweat a little at your demand and  to make him pay a little financially for what he has done. It would probably also annoy the girlfriend too and could probably go a long way in helping you get over your need for an apology from her. The satisfaction of knowing she’s likely pissed off would feel much better than a half baked apology from a scummy ex friend…

Post # 282
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

camelliasinensis14 : I think the angle she and her lawyer used was that they were both on the mortgage and they both had to agree and sign to sell the house. He was in a hurry to move on and out of her life and into the life of his new girlfriend. If she refused to sign on a sale, it would take months and months and a lot of extra lawyers fees and extea money  to force her to sign towards a sale. He realised that situation would cost him more in the long run than actually meeting her demands regarding the costs incurred for a house sale that was technically only happening because he cheated.

I thought that was a pretty smart move on her part and I think she felt vindicated by hurting him a little financially after he hurt her so much emotionally. I also don’t think it’s fair that injured party in situations like this are forced to share the financial burden for sonething that would never have happened if their partner had acted and chosen differently.

My friend knew that it might potentially cost her more in lawyer fees than the value she’d have to pay to cover half the realestate fees and home repairs fees but to her the was worth it on principle. If you do decide try this  I’d threaten to drag it out and play it a while to see if you can get the outcome you want but I’d also weigh up when the right time to give up if you aren’t getting anywhere. It’s a fine line but I’d discuss it with your lawyer. I’m not in the USA so this might not even be a possibility in accordance to the law of where you live. It might be an option though to look into. 

Post # 284
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

cmsgirl :  hell yeah this is solid advice. he SHOULD have to pay for uprooting your life. 

camelliasinensis14 :  I’m glad you’re hanging in there, and I hope that your lawyer is helpful in getting all the logistics sorted so you can really start to move on. I understand how it feels to be stuck in limbo. How is your support system, have you let your friends and family know what’s going on?

Post # 285
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Oh gosh, this is devastating. So sorry.

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