(Closed) Getting Engaged And Living Up To The Fairytale

posted 7 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

ladyjane123 :  

“And it feels pretty crappy when somone immediately goes to the one negative comment your partner made during a discussion and zero’s in on why that means your partner is never going to marry you, and is awful, and dump him. So how does that make any of us want to share the reality of what we are going through? It doesn’t. It makes us shut down, delete our posts and pretend like our partners are perfect and magical because if we don’t than according to everyone else we are in a dead end relationship.”

Oh my goodness, you mean some of the Bees on here are not always supportive and kind?! I’m shocked, lol.

No seriously, I’m glad you’ve come to this realisation and I commend you for it. I think you’re brave for navigating your relationship through the murky waters of WeddingBee and social media… I wouldn’t do it, and I’m not sure it’s helpful. There’s a great video by Susan Winters (a fantastic relationship expert) who talks about keeping your own counsel and being careful with what you share with your friends about your relationship. The reason for this is that they are all being protective and cautious, and so they rush in to share their cautionary tales. They think they’re being helpful, but what they don’t realise is that these tales and advice are harming the person and have far, far more to do with their own experiences, issues and projections and often little or nothing to do with the other person’s relationship. I think that goes doubly for WeddingBee, where you literally have a whole throng of women all coming in to share their strongly worded cautionary tales. It’s very heavy handed.

I am going to share with you something that I learned that has served me well and that you might want to keep in mind when talking to any other person (whether it’s a friend, your boyfriend, or here on the Bee):

People are driven by their own fears. Until they have understood and mastered these, these fears will nearly always interfere and come out in the things they do and say. Often, and I think most of the time, people are completely unconscious of these. Our fears, our partner’s fears, the fears of the people we talk to about our relationship. It’s worthwhile to be cognisant of that. Knowing those fears can help us to get a much more complete picture of what’s going on. And no, it doesn’t mean they don’t love us or we don’t love them.

Frankly I stay away from social media altogether because of exactly what you describe. The pressure for perfection which is a major cause of depression in our modern world (read up on this, there are any number of studies confirming it.)

Post # 3
Member
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyjane123 :

 I am sincerely  glad that all  has worked   out well and I hope just as sincerely that all  will  continue well. No reason  why it shouldn’t .

I am one whose first brief marriage ended really  badly and whose present one has endured happily for years , so I  do know about it a bit .  I think  that perhaps half the hard work  and and  problems and engagement   disappointments come from enormously high expectations  fuelled  by public /social media so that people   now share the most detailed and (formerly)    private  emotions, kind of offering  them up for public consumption.

In your post you use words like   ‘magical’,  ‘fairytale’, ‘perfect’,  rainbows and puppies’ and comment, – I do agree with you here- that these are unrealistic for real  life .

I don’t believe I ever, not even for my first youthful, doomed, incandescant engagement and marriage , had such ideas. These are childlike concepts destined   to disappointment imo  and if a person has widely shared her personal expectations and deepest feelings  with all and  sundry , then  not only disappointment but  mortification is likely to  ensue. 

Post # 6
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

ladyjane123 :  

Agree with you, and that is why I think women themselves are the best judges of their relationships. Women have been given these excellent instincts for a very good reason.

They know deep down whether they have a good partner or whether they are wasting their time. Sometimes they don’t want to look at the unpalatable truth, and sometimes they honestly have a good relationship and partner but have allowed themselves to be thrown off by the well-meaning comments of others.

But bottom line, I really do believe women know themselves and their relationships.

Post # 7
Member
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyjane123 :  

I think you are doing really well at such a hard time.   This “my boyfriend still doesn’t seem to grasp the reality of women’s fertility and how that impacts our future family”  is key and painful though the realisation   is, you have it now and I feel confident for your future   beause of it.  

Post # 8
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

Such great insight, self analysis and acknowledgement. I agree with a lot of what you posted about. It’s all about constantly checking in with yourself, and acknowledgine or realizing the things that bother you, and that it is normal. We get so caught up on social media, ‘news’, etc…that we expect things t go that way, and if they don’t, we need to drop it….unless the person is disrespecting you, or abusing you in some way, usually, things can be talked and worked out. There will ALWAYS be something you or your FH wont like, but, the reality is, it will be like that for anyone you date/marry bc that person is  not you. It’s about learning how to have a healthy argument or how your partner reacts/responds to things/situations, and compromising, and respecting, and growing, and learning some more. 🙂

Post # 9
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Wow this post is totally on the money! Some bees are so rude, just immediately LOOKING for ways to tell other women that their partner doesn’t want to spend their life with them. I don’t know what the hell they get out of it but they get a kick for sure! I myself waited 4 years for a proposal and in that time we had two children and he has the ring for two years before he actually popped the question! There were a lot of “conversations” haha. And really, people jumping to the conclusion that becauee a man isn’t on the same page as you right from the get go and isn’t like over the top excited to get married means he doesn’t love you? That’s bullshit. Yes, some men are the type to be very excited by marriage! But a LOT of men aren’t lol. And NOT becauee you’re not “the one” like a lot of bees on here try to make out. Its just one of those things. Some men don’t care to have children. But nobody would say “oh well he clearly doesn’t love you and never will if he won’t have kids RIGHT NOW WHEN YOU’RE READY”. 

 

I realise  there are a lot of unhappy endings when a proposal doesn’t happen like in the movies or like it does for those lucky women. But men also propose and get married often for not the right reasons even if he looks happy and excited. And that doesn’t end well. Nobody knows your relationship except YOU. 

Post # 10
Member
801 posts
Busy bee

beejaymes :  Often they are with partners who don’t want to marry or spend their lives with them or aren’t yet sure, and it isn’t beneficial to paint a rosy picture. Given her other posts, including her most recent, it does sound like this may also apply to ladyjane123 : and that this post was the product of some defensive insecurity. While it may have worked out for you (personally, I would never have had children out of wedlock or have accepted the unnecessary delay), it’s not clear why you would be representative.

Post # 11
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the overall concept of this post- that it’s not always perfectly smooth sailing transitioning from in a relationship to getting engaged, and that’s okay. 

Each couple has a different dynamic and approaches these conversations differently.

However, based on OP’s recent posts, some of this does come off a bit as projecting. I’m sorry it hasn’t been easy for you, OP, and I’m wondering if you’re trying the hardest to convince yourself more than others that everything is okay.

While some of us (me included) may clumsily navigate these initial conversations about ensuring we want the same things *with each other* which makes us highly vulnerable and can be stressful, once you establish that you are on the same page, it shouldn’t be hard. At all.

Once you know that you want to marry each other, it should just be a matter of when that you figure out. And sometimes, if your timelines are off by a little bit, you can compromise with relative ease. If you are wayyyy off, then you may have to decide if this relationship will give you what you need in a healthy way. 

It’s the agonizing and anxiety and frustration that I can’t relate to because if you are truly in a healthy relationship with open communication and trust where you both want the same things in life, it shouldn’t be this difficult and stressful. Something is wrong there. 

I truly hope that is not the case. I just get the feeling that if OP and her partner were truly on the same page, she wouldn’t have to post so much about the stress and anxiety of it all and then make a post like this, saying that despite all the struggles, it is all healthy and okay. 

Like I said, initially finding out if you and your partner want the same things with each other can be the scariest part. But once you know, it shouldn’t be super stressful. It should be exciting knowing you have a beautiful future together!

 

The topic ‘Getting Engaged And Living Up To The Fairytale’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors