Post # 1
So at his behest we finally went to look at some rings last weekend. He likes the first and cheapest ring we saw and spent the afternoon cracking jokes about how he wants to get something cheap and he was glad I would be happy not expecting something worth £1k. He said he wants to get that ring, even though I wanted to look at other shops and look at antique stuff. Then this weekend we went back to my parents’ home where there is a town full of antiques places – and he said he wanted to go shoe shopping instead because that was more important.
I’ve just spoken to him and said that I feel down because I thought it was supposed to be exciting and romantic planning things together, and I feel like I’ve pushed him into getting started (even though he said thanks for giving him a kick up the backside).
I spoke to my mum at the weekend, and she said her and my dad realised I’d been waiting for a ring at christmas – instead I got super expensive other gifts. Not ungrateful, but we’d had a timeline of getting engaged by xmas.
I had to sit him down after xmas and say that I felt like I couldn’t wait any longer as I was going back on my promise to myself to never be a live-in girlfriend again.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’ve pushed him into looking and I genuinely feel like he isn’t excited by it and may even have second thoughts about things. Instead of reassuring me, he got mad and has been trying to start arguments all day.
I’m so at the stage where I want to get engaged or move out. I’m sick of waiting 🙁
Post # 3
I skimmed through some of your old posts to kind of get an idea of what was going on…I just want to say I’m really sorry about everything. I don’t know how old your SO is but he definitely just doesn’t sound like he is ready to commit or even grow up. And unfortunately he is stringing you along with promises he can’t keep. What do YOU really want? Are you happy? What do your parents think about not being engaged yet? If you want to wait it out and think things willl come around that is wonderful. But if you are trying to convince yourself it’s wonderful and it’s not then maybe you need to worry about yourself and move on.
Post # 4
@HopefulInLove: My SO is 38, 39 this year. I’m 33, soon to be 34. I’m trying to keep hoping that he’s not stringing me along with promises, but one day he tells me his commission this month is going to amount to £1.5k, the next he’s saying he can’t afford a ring. Then if I challenge him (which I rarely do) on his intent vs his actions, he just says a whole lot of great things and then nothing happens.
He apologised for the above tonight, and said that we can go antique shopping this weekend coming – but I don’t want to be organising everything as per usual! Are some men rubbish or am I just with the wrong one?
I spent 7 years in a horrendous relationship and always thought I’ve finally found my other half with this one. He acknowledges needing to get off the fence. I’ve learnt how to handle his paddies if he’s being stressy. But I want to move past that.
How do you know if he’s not committing because you’re not ‘the one’ or because he’s got committment/marriage issues?
Post # 5
It sounds like you need some time to yourself to reflect and think about your relationship. Would it be possible for you to spend a week at your parent’s or a friend’s house?
Story time: My SO acted very flippant/childish about having to rearrange the apartment when I moved in, and it was making me really upset. I’m not the type to speak up, but I finally did and ended up spending the night back at my old place (because I hadn’t moved out completely yet). He called me early the next morning and we had a good long talk. He had realised that he was acting that way because he was nervous and was trying to make light of us moving in together but just came across as a jerk. I know that this doesn’t work for everybody but that one night was so helpful for the both of us to take stock of things.
I wish I could help more, it’s so hard when someone you care so deeply for isn’t being respectful of your wishes. A little ‘fresh air’ does wonders. It’s not giving an ultimatum, but it is showing that your life and needs aren’t all about him and what he wants to do.
Post # 6
@weeble78: has he ever said anything about you being “the one”? Or talked about having commitment issues? I don’t know that you would know unless you both talked about it. If he didn’t want to stick around I don’t see why he would keep going in a relationship with you that is ideally heading for marriage. Has he been married or engaged before and it didn’t work out?
Post # 7
@batwoman: Its funny you should say about a little fresh air – since realising that I think he’s now just doing this out of keeping me living with him rather than the desire to actually get married etc, all I want to do is be away from him. I feel like he doesn’t genuinely desire to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me.
He’s always been this way with commitment things. Before moving in, I was the first to bring it up. He said it was far too soon, too much of a commitment when we hardly knew each other etc etc. He’d been the one talking about it for three months. When I played dead and didn’t mention it, then he started talking about it. Even after I agreed to do it, he refused to come flat hunting with me and left the entire thing up to me. Then a few weeks after moving in, say he was happier than he’d ever been in his life and he loved living with me!
@HopefulInLove: He has said I’m ‘the one’ since about a month of being together. He’s always been consistent with that – although it tends to only be voiced if I’m feeling unloved or we’ve had an argument. He hasn’t said he’s got commitment issues – he was engaged and living with someone for seven years before he met me. Long story short, she cheated on him. He had a few year long relationships with girls who were clearly head over heels in love with him but he wouldn’t return it. Then he met me. He has said to me that maybe it’s too soon – two years. At the start he was very finicky about doing things by the ‘right timeline’ e.g. not saying I love you until appropriate time has passed (even though he’d told everyone but me), not meeting parents etc – it used to drive me mad, as I believe in jump in head first and think later 🙂 He’s very hung up on making the right choice for marriage as he is terrified of repeating his parents’. He’s also admitted to sitting on the fence.
I’m so tired of this I slept back in the spare room last night and am calculating my annual leave this morning to see if I can get away. I believe in fulfilling your romantic feelings to the utmost and never denying things for silly reasons, and then picking up the pieces after if it doesn’t work. He thinks you can proof everything first – make it safe by calculating all the risks. *angry and sad*
Post # 8
I would think a little time apart would help to clear your head Maybe it will make him realise what he’s doing.
He needs a wake-up call!