Getting Engaged/Married After Ending Relationship

posted 3 months ago in Weddingbee
Post # 2
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

I ended my previous marriage and am now married to someone else. Our whole relationship is dramatically different. My ex husband was abusive: gaslighting, verbally and physically. He was very controlling and I felt scared on a daily basis to talk to him about anything I was feeling. He did eventually end up hitting me and tried to kill me on a few occasions. I left him pretty quickly and put myself in therapy because I knew I had wounds to heal. 

I did therapy for almost 2 years and then I met my now husband. Our relationship is a healthy one. He treats me like his partner and equal. He never makes decisions for me and he listens to every concern I have. He doesn’t raise his voice at me (he knows it’s a trigger for my PTSD) and he addresses me like an equal. If I ever need anything, I can go to him, and I do not feel scared. He goes out of his way daily to do kind things for me just because he enjoys showing me he loves me and I also do the same. We rarely have arguments and when we do, there’s no inappropriate behavior. We don’t name call, we don’t scream and nobody threatens anything. We both want to talk through it so we can move on and be happy; and we both make a real effort to genuinely listen to each other. 

 

So it’s night and day. 

Post # 3
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I had several serious relationships prior to my marriage. In those relationships, I never felt completely secure, and often felt like I needed to continuously prove myself of being worthy. It was always under the surface and the relationships seemed healthy and happy on the outside, but it was stressful not feeling like my partner was my safe place.

Ive felt at ease with my husband from day 1. It’s just completely different. We don’t really fight because we communicate well and are very compatible with how we approach life. He’s like home to me, and looking back it’s hard to believe I almost settled for anything less. 

Post # 4
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

My first marriage ended after almost 10 years together. I was very young when we began dating (my ex is 9 years older than me) and so there was always an underlying power dynamic at play. But we got along okay for the most part. Had very few “blow out” arguments. That being said, our communication with each other was horrible and we were both very conflict-avoidant. We grew to want different things, in life and in our marriage. Resentment eventually began to creep its way in, because neither of us knew how to have a serious conversation about our wants and needs. We weren’t growing together, we were just kind if existing. Without going into too much detail, our personalities became incompatible over time and we steadily grew apart as I approached my late 20s.

I met my now-husband when I was 28. He is very different from my first husband, and our entire relationship (and now marriage) feels like a much better fit. We actively work on having a thriving relationship together. I never felt this secure and fulfilled in my previous relationship.

Post # 5
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

This thread is giving me new life. Thanks for asking the question, OP. that I can’t imagine the kind of peace and safety described here has me realize I truly wasn’t yet with the right person for me. 

Oh my goodness. I would love to have the kind of relationship you all describe. How wonderful! ❤️ Someday. 

Post # 6
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

ByCandlelight :  I was engaged once before I met my now-husband, and I thought I’d never get married after I went through that breakup. It was a bad one, to say the least, and I was kind of turned off by marriage after that. 

I kissed a few frogs, sure, but generally I found myself more intentional about dating and not scared to tell someone it wasn’t working out when I didn’t feel 100% about it. I gained a lot of confidence during that period of time, so dating didn’t feel futile at all even though I didn’t meet anyone special. But funny enough, that’s when I met my husband. We took it slower, dated casually for a few months, then things progressed and we ended up getting married!

Post # 7
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

While I wasn’t in a relationship that was abusive, it was a very unhealthy one.  We were together for most of my 20s and broke up when I turned 30.  As  PP mentioned, we just grew in different directions, and because of the time we spent together and familiarity we shared, it was hard to see how bad the relationship had gotten by the end.  By the time I finally snapped out of it, I was like “Wow, how did I get here?”  Nothing overtly awful, but just incredible distance.  No affection, no real conversation, more like roommates.  And throughout the relationship his propensity to do what HE wanted to do, with no real regard for me, just deepened.

If it hadn’t been for that relationship, I wouldn’t fully appreciate how LUCKY I am to have my now-fiance.  They’re worlds apart.  He’s a true partner, affectionate, tells me multiple times daily that he loves me.  I absolutely cannot wait to marry this man.  I’m 35, so it took me a while to find him (my GAWD, online dating can be atrocious) but SO. WORTH. IT.  Don’t lose hope!

Post # 8
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I was engaged in my 20s to a guy I was madly in love with. The break up was truly the worst thing I’ve ever been through and I didn’t date at all for 10 years afterwards. I was crushed and fearful to open up. But I had lots of fun pursuing hobbies I love and over time I came to like the freedom of being single. 

Then along came my husband who is the most patient, kind and (luckily) persistent man I’ve met, who saw through my relationship anxiety and made me feel both secure and free in a way my ex never did. With my ex I felt like I was tagging along as an accessory to his life. Now I feel like we have a life together but also freedom to be ourselves. 

I also don’t have a crazy Fmil. That helps! 

Post # 9
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee

I was prev married, engaged now.

With my ex, I thought  if I treated him as best I could, he would love and value me. But, he just. Didn’t. 

He was cynical, mean, critical, demanding, unnappreciative. He was short with the kids, judgemental.unsupportive.  arguments were constant, always crticising, anytime I would stand up for myself he’d escalate to control me. He was irresponsible and immature.  I think he only liked me because of sexual attraction.  I thought I could overcompensate with nice, to dilute his negative. 

He had two personalities… goofy or angry. No shame. 

He later became sneaky wth our money and lies,and sank us financially, also doing unacceptable  things behind my back, one was going on 15 years before I stumbled onto it. And he’d gaslight me. 

I loved him deeply, in the way teenagers do. Selflessly.

His family was unkind to ne, and he never stood up for me. 

Later after 25 years, he said he isn’t cut out for marriage and wants a rockstar lifestyle. I let him to it.He’s in now an open relationship with a porn model. 

Now, I am with someone very like me. With integrity, and honor. Someone would wants me to be me. Who values me. 

We don’t fight. Any disagreements are just that, and handled like adults. I admire and respect him. His family is sweet to me. 

Life is calm and peaceful and easy in a way I can’t even describe. I am never taken for granted. I am better because of him. 

Post # 10
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

What I found is being in a healthy relationship with myself allowed me to be in a healthy relationship with someone else.  

 

Post # 11
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I only had one other serious long term relationship before my husband. I dated other men, for maximum of 2 or 3 months before breaking up, but my first serious relationship lasted five years and could have ended in marriage which I know know would have been a mistake.

My ex and I met at 18, which I think was part of the problem because we were still kids who hadn’t figured out our adult selves and once we had aged some years and figured it out we were not compatible in the slightest. He went from being a sweet, funny and energetic teenager to being a cycnical, ignorant asshole addicted to porn and beer. He was a mama’s boy and if he was mad at me he would not talk to me, but I sure would find out when his mom started texting me about what I did wrong.

My current husband doesn’t involve anyone else in our business. If we have issues we talk them out together and no one else becomes involved unless we invite them in as a unit. He spends time encouraging me and building me up to help me be a better person instead of constantly criticizing me like my ex did. When we fight, 90 percent of the time it’s something stupid like, “you forgot to turn off the basement lights again” or “stop singing that song, it’s annoying”. Fights with the ex were more like, “this is what’s wrong with you and why I haven’t proposed yet” or about our lack of sex life due to his porn use or him embarrassing me in public because he was beligerently drunk or being a total dickwad to someone for no reason. With him, arguments created tension that kept us from speaking to each other or sleeping in the same bed for days. On the other hand, I usually can’t stay mad at my husband longer than a couple hours, and that’s if he actually did something worth being angry about.

The most important difference is my ex strung me along with me thinking he wanted to eventually marry me, took me to look at rings and stuff, but then would give me all the excuses why he couldn’t marry me yet, like, “I don’t want to have to pay your student loans off for you”. The reason why I finally pulled my head out of my ass and dumped him was because he one day grew a pair and admitted he didn’t want to ever get married or have kids.

My husband, however, was open to marriage timeline talk even before our first anniversary because being 24 when we met and expecting the relationship to go the distance, that’s kinda something a couple needs to see eye to eye on. I actually knew for sure that I wanted to marry him around the time our first anniversary rolled around, and in fact we had only been together 1.5 years when we got engaged.

Sorry this reply ended up so long, my husband and ex are pretty much complete opposites, lol.

 

Post # 12
Member
2369 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I was previously married.  We were together for 15 years total, and I ended up initiating the divorce.  I loved him – he’s honestly one of the best people I’ve ever met, but being married to him was just exhausting.  He had some untreated ADD and mental illness stuff at play, and coped with it by staying extremely busy, needing to do new and interesting things all the time, etc.  I always seemed to come last because I was the stable and long-running (aka boring) part of his life.  I needed to do all the adulting for both of us, and frankly being an adult is hard enough for one person!  Ultimately, it’s really hard to stay in love with and attracted to someone that you have to nag and resent.  He’s always been an amazing friend who will drop everything to be there for you.  He just did that *instead* of being there for his wife in the day-in, day-out kind of way.  Now we are friends and that’s much better 🙂

My husband now… it’s night and day.  It’s just easy and fun and peaceful.  He stays on top of his shit, he does a ton of stuff around the house without me asking, he’s a super hands-on dad with our baby, he very clearly puts me first in his life, he makes it known how much he appreciates everything I do for him and our family.  Ahhh I love him!

Post # 13
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Well our relationship marriage ended by mutual agreement but I am now engaged to someone else. 

What’s different?

– He’s more mature, self reliant

– he can manage his own money and doesn’t need me to take care of him

– we resolve all out issues in the moment, nothing comes back around to argue about again

– the sex is amazing, ex h was a selfish and unimaginable lover

– he makes me feel safe

– he’s a true partner we support eachother without anyone carrying the other

– he makes a me a better person, instead of a nagging nasty woman. 

– there’s plenty more! Those are just the highlights.

 

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