(Closed) Getting engaged w/o having lived in the same place?

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 5
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Do you get an opportunity to talk often via Skype or phone and/or visit for more than just a couple days?  DH and I have never lived in the same place and we’ve been together for going on 3 years and married for almost 3 months.  We know it will be an adjustment when we do live together, but we visit for up to 10 days at a time about once a month and spend close to an hour on the phone each night.  The number of communication hours is high, so we were confident that we could handle being around each other all the time down the road.  

Post # 7
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My SO and I live 5,000 miles away from each other (though I’m visiting him right now, so he’s only a few feet away at the moment!). We’ll be getting engaged during this visit. There is no way for us to live together or near each other without a work visa, which is basically impossible for us to come by. So we settled on long visits. I spent two months living with him this summer. I’m spending three weeks with him now. He’s previously spent one or two weeks at my flat.

But basically – it all hinged on the two month visit. While it was very touristy on the weekends and he did take some time off for me, it was mostly normal everyday life. He went to work. I stayed home and did some online classes and entertained myself (it was a bit boring, but I couldn’t do much without a visa).

With that visit we finally had the chance to do something other than vacation, and it was lovely. It took some adjusting to live together for a longer period. We discovered we handled compromise rather well in person, we fight well in person (though we hardly do fight), and generally get on well in person.

Do you two ever have the chance for a longer visit? Or to get a work visa? 

Otherwise just be cautious and look at how you handle the rougher times. How do you argue? Discuss how housework would be split. How cooking and meal preparation would be split. How will you handle your finances? If you can’t practice such things, talk them out like crazy!

Post # 8
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@worldtraveler:  You’re in a tough situation.  My circumstance isn’t like yours so I’m not sure how if my advice is any good…

I think what makes living together works is the level of commitment needed in a relationship.  And, sometimes that means an engagement.  It makes doing that extra load of laundry or seeing his dirty socks on the floor more managable.  Also, a lot of girls seem to resent their SO after a while of living together when there were promises of engagement/marriage and it never happened. Is an engagement what you would like to make the move? 

Darling Husband and I were engaged and married and we still don’t live in the same state.  We’re only 1.5 hrs apart so I see him almost every weekend.  I’ve lived with ex-boyfriends before and I know how a relationship can end from living together.  For some reason, I didn’t feel like I would need to live with Darling Husband to put up with his quirks.


Post # 9
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t think everyone HAS to live in the same place before getting engaged. But it does help for most people. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I were dating for many many years and we always lived at least an hour away and for 3.5 years, we lived across the country. Experiencing daily life with him has been amazing but also different. We know so many little things about eachother and get to share them but it’s also not an incredible vacation-like blissful feeling every second that we had when we would meet before. And the changes can take some getting used to. 

Just sharing my experience in case it helps.  

Post # 10
1564 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Darling Husband and I were in an LDR for 2.5 years when he proposed. I totally understand your concerns about wanting to experience everyday life together before an engagement. You want to know realistically if you are truly compatible. I think that’s very reasonable. I can say it worked for us because we would see each other for such extended periods of time that we did get to experience the every day little things especially when I was on school breaks. If we hadn’t experienced that, it would have taken Darling Husband much longer to propose.

Post # 11
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@worldtraveler:  We don’t live together but we travel together quite a bit, I realize we will be getting married without having faced the day to day grind.

Post # 12
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We haven’t lived in the same city either.  Closest we got was over the summer while he was on an internship about an hour and a half away.  During summer we saw each other about once a week.  It’s definitely a challenge, and those thoughts creep up.  I’m a pastor and FH will be ordained in June six days before we wed.  Our faith in Christ has been our rock and what we cling to.  We’re faithful in upholding one another in prayer and in praying together.  We try to talk every night, though that’s not always possible.  Our premarital counseling is wonderful.  After Christmas, though it will be hard to make it happen, I’m going to be going to him at least once a month.  Thankfully, my church is supportive of this and is allowing me to even be gone one Sunday a month (I’m an associate).  Good luck for the two of you!

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