Post # 1
For those who got engaged without every living in the same place, how did you know that it was right if you never saw each other on a regular basis and shared day-to-day life together?
I’m certainly crazy in love with my Boyfriend or Best Friend but I don’t want to get engaged unless we’ve spent a year or so living in the same area (not nessecarily living together but living close enough that we can see each other at least on a weekly basis).
I feel like I can’t fully know him and how we function as a couple until we get out of vacation! mode whenever we see each other and get into daily life mode. Which makes things complicated since one of us has to get a work visa for the other ones country…
How did you figure out that you were compatible?
Post # 3
@worldtraveler: does he need a work visa?
Post # 4
He needs one if he wants to stay beyond six months…he’s in an interesting situation that he has a business visa but it’s more for self-employed work. He can work for an employer on it though, they’d just need to sponsor him if they wanted him to stay beyond six months. And with this economy, an employer would have their pick of candidates they wouldn’t have to sponsor.
Post # 5
Do you get an opportunity to talk often via Skype or phone and/or visit for more than just a couple days? DH and I have never lived in the same place and we’ve been together for going on 3 years and married for almost 3 months. We know it will be an adjustment when we do live together, but we visit for up to 10 days at a time about once a month and spend close to an hour on the phone each night. The number of communication hours is high, so we were confident that we could handle being around each other all the time down the road.
Post # 6
nspiredcreations Thank you for your story. We talked via skype almost everyday we were long distance. He’s here on a long (10 weeks) visit now and we have spent almost every moment together since November and I fall more in love with him everyday. I just worry that it’s not enough to truly know each other and evaluate our compatiblity. Then again, I am super cautious in regards to relationships and could probably stand to follow my heart more.
Post # 7
My SO and I live 5,000 miles away from each other (though I’m visiting him right now, so he’s only a few feet away at the moment!). We’ll be getting engaged during this visit. There is no way for us to live together or near each other without a work visa, which is basically impossible for us to come by. So we settled on long visits. I spent two months living with him this summer. I’m spending three weeks with him now. He’s previously spent one or two weeks at my flat.
But basically – it all hinged on the two month visit. While it was very touristy on the weekends and he did take some time off for me, it was mostly normal everyday life. He went to work. I stayed home and did some online classes and entertained myself (it was a bit boring, but I couldn’t do much without a visa).
With that visit we finally had the chance to do something other than vacation, and it was lovely. It took some adjusting to live together for a longer period. We discovered we handled compromise rather well in person, we fight well in person (though we hardly do fight), and generally get on well in person.
Do you two ever have the chance for a longer visit? Or to get a work visa?
Otherwise just be cautious and look at how you handle the rougher times. How do you argue? Discuss how housework would be split. How cooking and meal preparation would be split. How will you handle your finances? If you can’t practice such things, talk them out like crazy!
Post # 8
@worldtraveler: You’re in a tough situation. My circumstance isn’t like yours so I’m not sure how if my advice is any good…
I think what makes living together works is the level of commitment needed in a relationship. And, sometimes that means an engagement. It makes doing that extra load of laundry or seeing his dirty socks on the floor more managable. Also, a lot of girls seem to resent their SO after a while of living together when there were promises of engagement/marriage and it never happened. Is an engagement what you would like to make the move?
Darling Husband and I were engaged and married and we still don’t live in the same state. We’re only 1.5 hrs apart so I see him almost every weekend. I’ve lived with ex-boyfriends before and I know how a relationship can end from living together. For some reason, I didn’t feel like I would need to live with Darling Husband to put up with his quirks.
Post # 9
I don’t think everyone HAS to live in the same place before getting engaged. But it does help for most people. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I were dating for many many years and we always lived at least an hour away and for 3.5 years, we lived across the country. Experiencing daily life with him has been amazing but also different. We know so many little things about eachother and get to share them but it’s also not an incredible vacation-like blissful feeling every second that we had when we would meet before. And the changes can take some getting used to.
Just sharing my experience in case it helps.
Post # 10
Darling Husband and I were in an LDR for 2.5 years when he proposed. I totally understand your concerns about wanting to experience everyday life together before an engagement. You want to know realistically if you are truly compatible. I think that’s very reasonable. I can say it worked for us because we would see each other for such extended periods of time that we did get to experience the every day little things especially when I was on school breaks. If we hadn’t experienced that, it would have taken Darling Husband much longer to propose.
Post # 11
@worldtraveler: We don’t live together but we travel together quite a bit, I realize we will be getting married without having faced the day to day grind.
Post # 12
We haven’t lived in the same city either. Closest we got was over the summer while he was on an internship about an hour and a half away. During summer we saw each other about once a week. It’s definitely a challenge, and those thoughts creep up. I’m a pastor and FH will be ordained in June six days before we wed. Our faith in Christ has been our rock and what we cling to. We’re faithful in upholding one another in prayer and in praying together. We try to talk every night, though that’s not always possible. Our premarital counseling is wonderful. After Christmas, though it will be hard to make it happen, I’m going to be going to him at least once a month. Thankfully, my church is supportive of this and is allowing me to even be gone one Sunday a month (I’m an associate). Good luck for the two of you!