Getting engaged, years go by, no wedding or planning?

posted 7 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
9756 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

We are far, far from the norm but we have been engaged for over 7 years. I was at university and some health issues came up which slowed things down. 

Post # 17
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

Personally being engaged would be meaningless to me if we weren’t actually making wedding (or marriage) plans. But I have very few feelings about it in relation to other people, because it’s none of my business.

Post # 18
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s usually down to financial reasons. One of my friends has been engaged around 5 years and she’s had a baby, bought a house and has almost finished a 3 year long degree to be a midwife. So I suppose initially there was intention to get married in the immediate future, yet life plans changed and it wasn’t financially possible. 

We got engaged April 2018, and had planned to get married in around 2 years, however, we are currently buying a fixer upper so have put marriage plans on the back burner as all our money will be going on the house. I’m imagining it will probably be around three years at least before we get married now. I honestly don’t mind though as I’m in no rush, plans change and finances change, weddings cost a lot of money and I’m not willing to compromise on my dream and go to a registry office so I would rather wait until we have enough money. 

 

Post # 19
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I do not plan on announcing my enagement before the actual event has been solidified, even though I guess by some people’s standards I am engaged (have decided to get married, have ring, family is aware of intentions). I am careful about using the word, though (as in I don’t), because I do want a long period between deciding to get married and the actual wedding, and when you use the term “engaged” you tend to get a lot of questions about when/where/what and that gets awkward when the only answer is “uhhhhh…..” But that’s us, we don’t like drawing attention to ourselves. In our case it’s definitely not about “milking the engagement period for all it’s worth”. There will be no party, shower, no farfare until the actual day. STD cards, that’s as close as I want to get to an announcement. I didn’t know this was a trend, I just thought we were a bit weird. I defiintely would never judge anyone for having a “place-holder” arrangement rather than a traditional engagement.

Post # 20
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

querty :  I know couples who do this for all different reasons.

A) Some couples announce their engagement and then get married quietly without announcing the marriage, so no one knows.

B) One couple I know got engaged, then broke up, the got back together.  So who knows if they plan to get married or not.  They set a date a few times and always canceled it.

C) Some want the commitment of an engagement but don’t want to actually get married until something in particular happens.  (Graduate from school, save up money, reach a certain age, get to a certain stage in career, buy a house, etc.)

D) Some people are waiting for a divorce or annulment of a previous marriage.

E) Some couples have one individual who is more eager to get married and the other one doesn’t want to be hurtful so just goes along but drags their feet.

I figure it doesn’t really matter.  I enjoy going to weddings though, so it makes me happy when my friends and family do move forward and set a date.  But otherwise I don’t think about it much because it doesn’t involve me beyond that.

ETA: I also know a woman who was CFBC and engaged to a man with two kids.  She literally waited 10 years for his kids to move out before getting married because she didn’t want to live in a house with kids.  I found that a bit odd, but whatever works.  (She was an elementary school teacher and great with kids, so she didn’t hate kids, just didn’t want to live with them I guess?)

Post # 21
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

We got engaged expecting to have a long engagement, like years.  That was mostly because we realized our taxes would go up because we both had good paying jobs and would pay the “marriage penalty.”  I was pretty adamant about not wanting to pay extra taxes for no good reason so was willing to wait until something changed.  We ended up getting married 8 or 9 months after we got engaged because we hired a financial planner and figured out how to deal with the taxes issue.

Post # 22
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

mrstodd2bee :  Agree here!  I knew a person was engaged 10+ years.  They ended up breaking up w/their partner after a loved on passed.  I think the engagement was to please that loved one and nothing else.

Btw I’m not saying this is everyone.  This is one couple I knew that was engaged a long time.  Most other couples got married w/in 1 to 2 years of getting engaged.

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