Post # 1
We planned to have a family member get ordained online and marry us, but I read some articles saying it was a terrible idea. All kinds of stories about it not being valid and some people had no idea until their husband died, etc. So now I’m rethinking it. Our wedding will be super small (25-30 people) and also destination.
I don’t know anyone who is ordained that could do it, and I really don’t want a stranger to be there at such an intimate ceremony. We thought about doing it at the court house either right before or after the trip. My friend said this would make our wedding fake and not special, which I get that it would technically be fake. But I feel like the legal part of it isn’t very special though in general? Even if the ceremony is only for sentimental reasons, it’s still special to me. Am I in the minority thinking this? Or am I missing something? Because I’ve seen so many posts about people being upset not knowing the couple was legally married.
Or does anyone also have any insight into whether or not the online route really is as sketchy as it seems? Thanks!
Post # 2
I don’t know why people go berserk over this, but they do. IMO, it’s totally between you and your partner.
So you do the ceremony over again. Who cares?
Then you have a party to celebrate your union.
Post # 3
I don’t know where you are, but in most States in the US if the minister messes up and does something wrong you still have a legal marriage.
Yes, you are in the minority here.
Will you consider your wedding or your courthouse date as your wedding anniversary? That should give you your answer. If you consider your wedding to be when you really get married then I say go for it. If you consider the courthouse to be when you really get married then having a fake wedding is dishonest.
Post # 4
Though as a guest I wouldn’t gaf either way as long as it was within a day or two. If it was like 5 years later and the couple considered themselves already married then I’d be annoyed.
Post # 5
There are plenty of states where it is perfectly legal for someone ordained online to perform your marriage ceremony. There are rules to be followed and paperwork to be filed, but anyone with half a functioning brain can do it.
Have you looked up the marriage legislation in the state where you live? or where the ceremony is taking place?
Post # 6
It’s one thing to get married in secret and then throw a wedding a year or two later to rake in the parties and presents or because you suddenly regret your method of marriage. It’s another thing to get all the paperwork out of the way a day or so beforehand and then get married emotionally by a person who holds deep meaning to you. Heck, in other countries you have to have a legal and a religious wedding. Destination weddings often aren’t valid either and you still have to get a license in the States. It’s just here in the US where people seem to freak out about it.
I got married legally 2 days before the wedding. We didn’t shout it out, but our families knew (FIL was doing our wedding with guests). We didn’t wear rings, consummate or celebrate in any fashion. Really it was going to the courthouse, filling out paperwork, letting a weird guy ‘marry’ us (you do still have to find an officiant), a smooch on the lips and done. Our witnesses were just clerks at the courthouse with a little spare time. We don’t celebrate that anniversary. The wedding we consider valid is the one that was witnessed by friends and family (about the size you’re having), where my Father-In-Law said a prayer over us and heard our vows, where we celebrated, traded rings, consummated, etc.
In summary – I think it depends on your method. Unless all UK weddings are fake though, your friend is just mistaken in her perspective. However its her prerogative whether she wants to attend if she thinks you’re not really getting married. And it’s your prerogative to have someone important to you officiate your wedding whether they are legal to do so or not.
Post # 7
But I feel like the legal part of it isn’t very special though in general?
Then why even do it? The legal part is what makes marriage a benefit. If you just want to say pretty words to each other and wear pretty rings, go ahead and do it. But the legal side is pretty important, otherwise you wouldnt fucking bother with it. Its offensive to people that have fought very hard to get this RIGHT that you are saying isn’t special or important.
A courthouse wedding is a valid legitimate wedding. Calling it unimportant just so you dont have to have an accredited person marry you is very offensive.
Post # 8
I never said it wasn’t important. I obviously see the importance/practicality of it if I’m trying to ensure that it is done correctly and legally. That isn’t what I meant by “special” at all. But the “pretty words” and emotional commitment, being surrounded by our close friends and family, the religious and spiritual side of it – those are what make the moments special to me. Getting all the legal benefits are certainly important, but in the moment not what I personally consider to be special.
I also definitely didn’t say that a courthouse wedding isn’t valid or legitimate or important. I don’t know what I said that implied that. If you were offended by what I said, that wasn’t my intent at all.
Post # 9
I would think it would be more offensive to say that most gay people who got married prior to 2015 weren’t really married. If the wedding isnt’t real marriage and the government paperwork is, then that is the case.
Post # 10
Legal benefits are important, not special. And they aren’t usually celebrated. I don’t throw a reception when I go the the DMV, but it is important that my drivers license is up to date.
Post # 11
impatient1 : I would think it would be more offensive to say that most gay people who got married prior to 2015 weren’t really married
Err you must not know many LTGBTQA people, because that’s not really the consensus at all.
Sorry that you don’t think all the legal benefits you get are “special”. Do whatever the fuck you want, but stop calling the legal part not “special” because a rando does it.
Post # 12
I know plenty. I also know several poly people who I’m not about to claim aren’t married just because they don’t have legal rights.
Post # 13
Oh Lort.. there’s always one. She’s not saying the legal aspect isn’t important, but in order for her special day to be what she wants, she’s having to divide it into two events. The most important one for her emotionally is obviously the one where she says her vows in front of her loved ones. It’s not that complicated and it’s obviously not pointed at others. *sigh*
That being said, as a military bride that had to get married before our “real” wedding (due to military orders) I don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing. Sometimes things don’t quite work out the way you might prefer, and that’s okay. What you’re doing is completely different than some that get married and keep it a secret to get gifts later. Don’t let the negative comments get to you. Someone will pretty much always be there to present the negative side of things. Also, it’s not at all uncommon for people to do their legal marriage before a Destination Wedding, since it gets complicated when you are getting married someplace you don’t live. Don’t feel guilty about it 🙂
Post # 14
We had friends who were legally married prior to their wedding. It was not their plan originally, but she lost her job unexpectedly so they decided to get legally married for health benefits which she needed for a chronic health condition. They were actually married in their living room by a neighbor who happened to be the person who performs weddings at our local courthouse. Fiance and I were the witnesses. When it came to their planned wedding ceremony and reception, most guests knew they had already been legally married and the reason why. It didn’t take away from the day or feel dishonest in any way.
That being said, Fiance and I are attending a wedding later this year for a couple who has been legally married for about a year now. They had a planned courthouse wedding but regret not doing a bigger wedding or any of the events that surround it. So now they are redoing the whole thing – including a bridal shower, bachelorette party, bachelor party, etc. – and as a guest, it’s a little strange. But to each their own, I suppose.
Post # 15
I don’t care if a couple gets legally married prior to throwing what I would call a wedding celebration or renewal but I do care if they lie to me about it. It is great that you don’t think the legal stuff is as important but others do and they get to make the choice where they prioritise a wedding celebration/renewal not you. If I have two events on the same day I am sorry to say but a renewal is not the priority for me, especially if it is a destination renewal.
Give your guests the facts so they can make the choice.