(Closed) getting legally married….should we tell?

posted 7 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@nursejp06: I know exactly what you are going through. My Fiance is British so rather then spending more time apart we just figured why not do it. My parents are very involved in the whole wedding process so they knew what was going on and were a huge part of the decision process. He told his parents and my sister. I also wanted to tell my three best friends who were my bridal party and he felt he should tell some of his groomsmen that he is closest with. 

My mom wanted to leave it at that. At first she didnt want anyone to know. I thought I felt that way at first but then I completely did a 180. I started to tell SO many people only my really close friends but still a lot of people now know. Honestly to me its a happy thing. We did it because we love each other and are over with being apart (4 years of going back and forth from England to America) 

I think if you have some friends that you are closer to and want to share the news with why not. You dont have to tell EVERYONE my dad felt that it would take away from the wedding. But I looked at it as signing some paper work and that was that. We didnt swap rings, say our vows, I didnt wear anything white. All of that we are doing in August. 

I say tell the most important people who love and understand you and who will be happy for you. All the people I told showed nothing but love.

Post # 4
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My fiance and I have discussed this a few times. My fiance is Australian and I’m American so the sooner we get legally married, the easier life will be.. if we do it, we don’t plan to tell anybody besides the ‘witness’

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think you need to be honest with your guests – i dont like deception, especially if i was a guest, it doesnt sit right with me

 

Post # 6
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Eh, I don’t think you have to tell the guests. Actually, how would you tell all of them? Would it be an announcement at the wedding, would you call them, or would it just be word of mouth? Either way, it’s not the first priority. It does seem deceiving since guests are coming thinking that they will witness your marriage… when it already happened.

I think your family would be upset if they didn’t know. It’s one of those “secrets” that they may hold on to for the rest of their lives. Who wants to be resentful for that long anyway? Plus, if you talk to them, maybe they can give you some advice on buying a house and whether you really need to be married to do that.

Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Actually, how would you tell all of them

on the invitation – its not a marriage ceremony because they are already married so its a renewal or celebration of sum sort

to invite people to a wedding when they are already married is deceptive – would you invite people to your birthday party and its not your birthday?

 

Post # 8
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

No reason to tell them. So what if you did the legal, you are celebrating the day with family/friends at your wedding. One of my friends did the legal sooner to get him on her insurance, they consider their July wedding their real wedding though. A few people know and I didn’t know it for sure till later (she said they were considering it). Didn’t matter to me.

Post # 9
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

@nursejp06: Congrats! Tomorrow, huh? How exciting 🙂 What were your original plans for the ceremony?

Post # 10
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t think anyone needs to know.

My SO and I might get legally married before our wedding for tax reasons (as in sign some papers. No party, no special clothing, nothing). We will not consider ourselves married until we say our vows to each other under God during a proper religious ceremony. Our real marriage ceremony will not be a “renew of vows” because we haven’t said our vows yet. It’s still our original wedding as far as we’re concerned.

Post # 11
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My husband and I did the exact same thing. We also considered it getting our paperwork done early. We told a few people because we knew they’d find out anyway, and for the most part we kept it to ourselves. Our wedding was already in the works months before hand so it was just so we could buy our home. We had to make an announcement because the same judge that presided over our civil ceremony was also going to preside at our wedding since she’s a family friend. So she slipped it in that this technically wasn’t a wedding, it was a vow renewal. If you would like the exact verbage, PM me.

ETA: None of our guests were offended.

Post # 12
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Fiance and I were talking about this a few weeks ago. We were thinking of getting married before our actual wedding date for health insurance purposes – I currently have mine through him via “domestic partnership”, but his company just got bought out and will most likely not recognize said partnership under their new health plan, leaving me without insurance. We either gamble that everything will stay the same, or get officially married ahead of time to prevent any issues.

He would like to get married a year, to the day, before our planned wedding date, so that it carries it’s significance, but only have a friend or two who are our witnesses to know – possibly telling family, but literally no one else, since if other people were there or knew, the wedding itself wouldn’t mean as much to either of us. At first I was thinking, great, let’s do it.. but the more I thought about it, it just didn’t sit right with me, personally. It’s really important that my family be there when I get married, and are able to know about it, and I can celebrate it, you know? I know that my opinion on the matter isn’t right or wrong, but it leads me to my answer for you, which is that I personally would want to tell my family. However, I don’t see anything wrong with not telling them, if it works for you. I think whatever you’re comfortable with – do that.

Post # 13
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

Wow, people would feel deceived? Maybe that’s coming from more traditional thoughts on marriage. I don’t think it’s deceptive at all. There is a difference between civil marriage and religious or spiritual marriage. Civil marriage is for legal protection, and it’s a government institution. It has nothing to do with the celebration of your union. It is literally a contract that gives you rights with your FW or FH.

@eloping: If my birthday fell on a Wednesday, but I wanted to party it up on a Friday night, I wouldn’t feel like I had to inform all my guests that my birthday was 2 days ago so that they wouldn’t feel deceived. That is just irrational.

@nursejp06: Tell your close family members if you think they won’t be incensed, otherwise no one needs to know since it has nothing to do with your actual union.

 

Post # 14
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

There is a difference between civil marriage and religious or spiritual marriage. Civil marriage is for legal protection, and it’s a government institution. It has nothing to do with the celebration of your union. It is literally a contract that gives you rights with your FW or FH.

This is exactly how my SO and I feel about it. For us, marriage is a sacrament ordained by God. Signing some papers with the government does not make us married in our opinion. If we do end up getting legally married before our wedding the government might consider us married, but we won’t.

Post # 15
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@eloping: I’m with you – I’d be a little peeved as a guest if someone invited me to their wedding and they were already married.  I’d still attend the “celebration of their marriage” or their “vow renewal” if they told me they were already married but I’d feel lied to and decieved if I wasn’t told.  (Because trust me, people will find out).

Post # 16
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think it’s a little sad that a couple who has just signed some papers with the government in order to protect each other before their wedding date for whatever reason (taxes, insurance, immigration, and many other possible reasons that can’t be controlled) can now no longer have a “wedding” even though they haven’t been spiritually married and/or do not even consider themselves married yet. Instead they have to have a “celebration” or a “vow renewal”. Maybe for some people signing those papers is the end-all-be-all of what getting married is for them, but for others (like myself) it’s the spiritual marriage that is the important part. Like I said above, I will not consider myself married until I have been married by a pastor before God. THAT is what getting married is for me, not signing some papers.

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