(Closed) Getting married a few weeks before the wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@rachie205:  Brace yourself, this tends to be a pretty touchy subject around here… lots of strong opinions!

Post # 4
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

If you were one of my friends, my first gut reaction would probably be “Really? You couldn’t wait a month?” I totally understand the thought behind it, wedding planning is such a pain in the…

There are people waiting to celebrate this special life event with you. I wouldn’t say it “cheapens” the wedding, but you may end up with some hurt feelings. I’d be disappointed I wasn’t there for it- I guess I wouldn’t consider June 2nd your wedding, since you were already married, you know what I mean?

Post # 5
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I say do whatever makes you happy. It’s no one else’s business. 

Post # 6
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I love your idea- sounds so intimate and wonderful!! No, it would not bother me in the least if I found out my friends did something like this- I’d want them to do what made them happy!

Post # 7
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Do whatever you want… as a guest, it really wouldn’t make a difference to me, but I know some people get upset by stuff like this.  I really don’t understand why, though..

Post # 9
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I was someone who had a very private ceremony–immediate family ONLY (+ my grandmother) and then had a separate party. The two events were 6 months apart and everyone invited to the party knew from the invite that we were already married and it was just a party. We did register, but we only put the registry information on the website and relied on word-of-mouth. And predictably, about half of our guests kindly gave us gifts; the others simply came and had a good time. 

The moral of the story is that to some extent, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. 

To me, modern gal that I am, I don’t consider a JOP ceremony followed by a traditional affair a big breach of etiquette–especially because there are plenty of people who consider a religious ceremony separate from the legal definition and because there are a lot of people who DO get married for insurance purposes and greencards and because someone’s being deployed and the like. But there are those who feel snubbed if they’re invited to a wedding and then find out…it’s not a “real” wedding. And yes, it can come off as gift-grabby (although I’m not sure why, considering you’re still doing the ceremony and the whole bit)…but since you ARE doing the ceremony and the whole bit, um, why do others have to know about the JOP stuff? 

Anyway, I think the REAL issue here is that YOU envision a private affair and your Fiance wants to share it with everyone else. The thing is, it’s kind of hard to go back on agreeing to 70 people so think long and hard about whether or not you want to insist on your vision. The other thing is, you CAN have a low-key intimate wedding, even with 70 people and you don’t have to become a planning maniac (which by the way, if it’s Fiance who wants to do the white wedding, where is HE in this planning stuff??). I’ve been to lovely weddings that have been quite casual with cold-cuts for lunch or a simple cake-and-punch type deal. Perhaps you can also consider something like a wedding potluck at which guests can bring dishes and supply linens/cutlery/etc. in lieu of traditional gifts? There are plenty of in-between options besides private JOP and big affair…

 

Post # 10
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would be a little put off if I knew you were already married.  Honestly, unless you’re up front with all your guests about being married, I think you’re running a gamble.  I had a family member do this, and once people found out they were already married, everyone was really upset.  I guess to be completely honest, I would consider it just a celebratory party, and not really a “wedding”, per say.

But, like PP said, do what makes you happy.  Just be aware about potential hurt feelings.

Post # 11
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@rachie205:  Haha, I like the housewarming party/mortgage signing analogy…. touche!

Post # 13
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If I can’t get my answers tomorrow at the courts that I need to get our person to be able to do our wedding, Fiance and I are going to do it at JOP and still have our friend announce our marriage at the wedding. 

It’s just what we’re comfortable with. We aren’t going to wear our rings until after our wedding. But if it’s what has to happen, it’s what has to happen.

Post # 16
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@rachie205:  Nailed it!  This is exactly how I feel about it.  FI and I have to get the paperwork out of the way a few days before the ceremony for complicated reasons but it doesn’t matter to us.  Our wedding day will be the day we take our vows in front of everyone.

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