Post # 1
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2018 - Stone Rows Farm
So let me just start this off by telling you a bit about myself and my Fiance. We are both 27 years old and have been dating since were 20. My Fiance has always said he saw kids in our life, but i never knew he planned on it being so soon. I am a sensitive soul but hard to reach it. I like kids and all. And i even adore some of them.. But im telling u right now.. When my Fiance told me one night amoungst our group of friends, that once we got married he was ready to start having kids, I’m almost died right then and there. I never thought i would have kids. I mean.. I guess thats a lie.. I guess i was one of those girls that said I”M NEVER HAVING KIDS.. but in the back of my mind, i guess i kinda thought that some day i would bc thats how life goes… And im telling you right now.. This is scaring the living crap out of me!!! I’m not even married y et, and i cant stoip thinking about those words that so easily flew out of his mouth! “Oh yeah Kim and I are gonna start having babies as soon as we get married” WHAT?!?!?!?! Listen, i good with kids.. I really really good with kids.. But they scare the bejesus out of me! What if I get preggers and i dont want to be anymore, or what if i have the kid, and i feel nothing for her or him… What if its to much for me to handle? What if we have a kid, and my whole life is ruined bc i’m going to be strapped to this kid for the next 18 or more years?!?! AHHHHHHH Please help me!!!Are these normal thoughts?
Post # 3
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
I became pregnant with my SO when we were very young, it was completely unexpected I was not married, still in school, and in no way ready for it. but i’ll tell you what…..my son has completely changed my life. FOR THE BETTER. The day he was born turned out to be the best day of my life from then on. All of my worries felw right out the door. I loved him sooooo much. What they say about motherly instinct is completely true. It was much easier than I thought. He brought so so so much happiness into my life and to be honest that is what was the most unexpected. The joy and unconditional love that he brought to me was the best part. You don’t have to change your life for your children…they can adapt to yours and they will make you a better person. I continued school (college) when he was a baby and it made me work so much harder I ended up graduating top of my class. And I landed great jobs because of it to be able to support him and it was all because of him. Without him I don’t know where I’d be right now.
Jump ahead many many many years and here I am without having any more kids and I wish so badly to have another. I babysit for my best friend all the time because her son too brings me a lot of joy during my days just to see his smile, his laugh, and how much he loves to be around me. he is a complete stress reliever. If my SO said those things to me like he wanted to have more right away once we finally do get married I’d feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Post # 4
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I think one of the hardest parts about TTC is that it is SUCH A BIG DECISION that once you decide- you expect it to happen right away. And for most people, it doesn’t. (Just a semi-related note 🙂
My best advice is not to rush yourself. You will know if and when you are ready!!!!
Post # 5
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2018 - Stone Rows Farm
@leilabee: awww that was really sweet. This is the kind of advice i really feel i need. I need to know that I can do these kind of things. Its not that i dont want kids.. I think its just more fear based that my life will be over.. And listen. I”m not immature, or selfish or any of these things. I’m an accomplished 27 year old woman wuith a career, sense of self, and excited to get married to the love of my life next summer. The thought of having children just erally scares me bc i for some reason can only pull the negatives!
Post # 6
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2018 - Stone Rows Farm
@cbee: I sure I will be ready the same time as my Fiance. He sounds like he will be ready sooner than i will be. I jsut still want to have fun, and get used to being married, and be more finacially stable! We do very well for ourselves right now, but factor in a child? And things will be different. Thank you for your kind words. I hope i know when i’m ready. bc right now.. I dont feel ready!
Post # 7
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
@kim14410: breathe, calm down 🙂
yeah kids are a HUGE responsibility, I’m not a mom, but I work as a nanny and yes sometimes i want to pull my hair out, but most of the time I get so much joy from being around them and the love they give to me 🙂
you should talk to your Fiance about your feelings.. I couldn’t get from the post if you have talked to him about this or not??
I wish my Fiance would say that haha well I’m only 22 but sometimes i have the biggest baby fever.. I would be completely okay with having a baby a year after our wedding.. I’ll be done with my bachelor’s by then. but Fiance wants to wait till he’s done with pharmacy school.. 3 1/2 years from now.. boo I understand where he’s coming from, he wants to be able to provide everything for our child and myself.. but sometimes I think if I got pregnant after the wedding I’d be happy 🙂 but of course both Fiance and I have to be on the same page..
but yeah just don’t overthink it 🙂 just talk to your Fiance about the whole situation.. having babies should be a mutual decision, not a one way street.
if it was only up to me I’d have a baby soon after our wedding, like a year after, but I know that’d be horrible because Fiance doesn’t feel prepared.. so I’m willing to compromise and wait 3 or 4 years 🙂
Post # 8
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2018 - Stone Rows Farm
@pandaboo: Thanks for your advice.. Yes we have talked about it since for sure.. I’m not the type to really bottle things up.. If i wanna talk.. he knows 🙂 And he said, he understands and maybe he was being a little crazy when he said right away, but he said, wouldnt you rather be a younger mom, than an older mom? Dont y ou think we would be better parents the younger we have them? Basically his thought process was why not? My thought process is more like OMG NOOOOOO NOT YETTTT.. im just so freaked and a slight drama queen so i’m sure im blowing it way out of proportion. Either way.. i will try to talk to him again just to make myself more inline with EXACTLY his time line 🙂
Post # 9
Member
6344 posts
Bee Keeper
Having children is something you should do because you want to and it’s right for you; I’m not getting that here, it seems like you don’t want children, but are feeling pressured by your OH and also be society. It seems like you feel having children is just something everyone does/has to do, and that isn’t the case.
I am 25. I’m still a student. I have endo and have been told to start TTC before I hit 30. Thing is, I don’t want children now or in the next 5 years, and I might never want them. I don’t see the benefits; it isn’t something I want to do with my life. No way would I even contemplate having children now just because I felt I should, or because my OH wanted to.
You need to carefully analyse how you feel, and understand that having children is a CHOICE, not something you ‘have’ to do.
Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
i wouldnt worry about feeling nothing for kids. you want to do it when the time is right for you, but I have been told by several friends and family members that even those who worried they had no maternal bone in their body that instinct just kicks in. besides, it sounds like you have enthusiastic dad as a back up!
Post # 11
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
I’m 31 and currently 7 weeks PG with my first! I actually am STILL terrified of having a child at times. And mostly for all of the selfish reasons…I want to travel, I want to sleep, I don’t want to be an old “mom” type, I don’t want to sacrifice my career, I don’t want the relationship between my hubs and I to change for the worse due to stress of a child…. Point is, I think its pretty normal what you are feeling. I don’t think everyone feels this way, but some of us certainly do. Anyway, I do want children as well and didn’t want to wait too long. I have had so many friends with fertility issues so I decided to go ahead, but I have 4 years on you. I think you should definitely wait until its at least a passing feeling of “I don’t want one yet”! You should talk to your SO. You definitely have plenty of time to put kids off for a while!
Post # 12
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
Totally normal to feel this way. I’m 41 and TTC and I still have major fears. My biggest is–what if I don’t like it. Meaning–everything in life, if you don’t like it you can change it, get rid of it, etc. Dont like your job- get a new one. Don’t like you house or city- move. Don’t like your SO- breakup or get a divorce. EVERYTHING except parenting. Once you are a parent, you are a parent for life. That is scary.
But you’ll know when it’s time when the fear of not having a kid, out weighs the fear of having kids. The fear may never really go away completely.
