(Closed) Getting married before my wedding!

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

1.  I don’t think I would tell them. 

2.  Why not change your name after this ceremony?  Your family probably isn’t going to even know.  If they call you by your former name, it’s still you.

3.  If you don’t want to tell them, don’t.

4.  I don’t think it’s weird.

5.  I’d save the wedding gown for the “big” wedding. 

I’m sorry for what you must be going through.  It must be tough.  I certainly applaud you for what you’re trying to do.

Post # 4
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Hi Sorry to hear that you’re dealing with illness.

I’ve had 2 wedding dates and let me tell you.. it was awesome!!

The first one, we did it secretly.  My mother in law was present as my husband’s witness. My best friend came as mine. (my family live overseas but they were aware of the wedding) Third person was a close friend and she took pictures.  We didn’t tell any of our friends.  I wore a short simple wedding dress that was very 50’s.  We did it outside during the day time.

The second wedding was the real big deal.  300 guests, full lenght ball gown, entire family and friends.  To this day very few people actually know that we were married for 6 MONTHS but they don’t really care at this point.

So you can do it.. not only you can do it, but even turn it into a positive event and wear a second dress.  Mine cost less than 200$ and it was fun.

ENJOY ! I wish you a great wedding, and I hope he gets better.

Post # 5
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I personally did not go through anything like this, however, one of my friend’s wanted to get married on her actual anniversay date from when her and her Darling Husband first started dating, which was a 3 months prior to her actual wedding.  She only told a very select few and did not change her name until after the actual wedding.

I do not see why your family would not understand, especially if your FI’s dad is really sick.  But it is really up to you if you want to tell anybody else or not.  I would suggest getting your money’s worth and wearing your actual wedding dress for both weddings. 

Post # 6
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This isn’t weird, it is life. I’m sorry that you are expericing this. I wouldn’t change my name if I wasn’t going to tell my family and if it would hurt them, I wouldn’t tell them. I also wouldn’t tell them afterward at all.  If you are going to tell them, I would tell my parents beforehand and invite them to attend. My parents would be really hurt if I told them after the fact and didn’t invite them. Are you positive that everyone in the room will be able to keep the secret though? It would be worse if they heard it from someone else. I probably wouldn’t wear my “wedding gown” but I would definitely get a beautful dress, like a reception dress.

My husband’s sister got married and didn’t tell anyone. Their mother and my husband found out when she wrote a check to their mother and had to sign with her new name because she had changed it with her bank. It didn’t go over well.

Post # 7
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t know your relationship with your family, but could you tell them and invite them? I think they would be understanding that Fiance wants his dad to see him get married, but they may have their feelings hurt that they aren’t invited. This is the ‘real’ wedding and the larger one would essentially be a vow renewal, right? So as much as he wants his father at the wedding, you probably want your parents there just as badly.

Letting the rest of your guests in on this secret is up to you, but personally I think I’d just not advertise it, but not hide it. If I were a guest at a wedding and found out this was the situation, I would think no less of it.  I’m pretty sure that if SO and I were in this situation we’d be married tomorrow just so they could attend. This is not weird!

Also, I would probably not wear the dress. To me the big dress is too celebratory. While this is a celebration, it’s bittersweet. I’d wear a simple white dress – maybe a shift or something.

Post # 9
81 posts
Worker bee

@houstonwhodat:  I agree re: the parents.  I would think your parents would be hurt to know your parents in law were there, but they weren’t even invited.

Post # 11
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree. I understand your need for your Future Father-In-Law to be present during your marriage, but by not including your parents you are essentially taking away THEIR chance to see you get married. And they will find out when there isn’t a marriage certificate signed at your second wedding. (I’m assuming they will anyways unless they are not involved in the wedding at all.)

Post # 12
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I have actually thought about this myself even though I am yet to be engaged. My mom has been sick for the past three years and I always tell myself that if she gets to that point where there is no return then I would love to get married in front of her.

I personally think the way I would do it is get it videoed and play it at my ‘big’ wedding. I can’t think of a more wonderful way to remember a great moment with someone who means a lot to you but is on their way out of this world. And personally, I couldn’t imagine people being upset with someone who would want to share this with their sick father.

But that’s just how I think I would do it! I am sure any way you go about it in the end it will all work out for the best!  


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