(Closed) Getting married before Older Sister

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Your sister needs to live her own life and get over herself. You can’t put your life on hold 

Post # 3
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

She’s an adult, which means she should suck it up and support you, and find someone else to lean on when her relationship struggles get her down during this happy time for you. I think all you can do is give her some space and let her jump back in to help when she’s ready. If shes’s distant or mopey when you need her for planning, maybe enlist one of your other BMs to do support work on planning things. You have to move forward and not get dragged down by her.

ETA: I kind of can’t blame her too much if everyone in your circle has the “OMG you got engaged first? How sad for your sister!” attitude circa 1800. It’s a ridiculous sentiment in this day and age, and still on her to deal with it, but I can see how that’s not helping her.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  kbee86.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  kbee86.
Post # 4
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Speaking as an older sister, I think you should take her at her word and allow her to process this on her own. She’s capable of it. She may struggle with the fact that you’re getting married before her, but I would bet that she’s aware that’s really HER issue, and has nothing to do with you or your engagement, excepting insofar as perhaps bringing up some self-esteem issues that she’s dealing with. But as an older sister, I would never, ever want my younger sister to feel like she’s responsible for my emotional well-being! And even if I had difficulty accepting something in her life, I would definitely want her to be happy. 

Unless she lashes out at you or something, I think you should just allow her to “be emotional.” You can curtail the amount of wedding talk you have with her, and if you want to also help, you can try to spend more time with her that isn’t all about the wedding–like, just go see a movie, or better yet, talk about what’s going on in HER life. 

Post # 5
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Maybe just see how it goes… and keep her out of the planning for a few weeks. She will have time to process her feelings and work through it. She knows what she is feeling isn’t good. If it continues for another month then have a calm and gentle talk with her about how to proceed. 

Post # 6
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I don’t think you’re sister deserves to be excluded from you’re wedding. She hasn’t humiliated you or lashed out on you it just sounds like she’s going through a hard time , give her a chance to work through it I’m sure it doesn’t help when people make comments as you stated above about getting engaged first. I’m sure you’re sister will come around and I am sure she’s genuinely happy for you. 

Post # 7
486 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
BothCoasts:  I agree. I AM the older sister who is getting married second in some ways. I was in a relationship when she got engaged, and was engaged when she got married, but I still understand how it feels. My sister also has a baby and I do not, and I have lost two pregnancies in less than two years. I just found out yesterday that she is pregnant again. Sometimes its hard for me. But I am well aware that these are my issues, and I dont want them to change how my sister treats me. I want to be part of her life, and I dont want her to have to tip toe around me. Life isnt a set of predetermined events that have to happen in the exact order for everyone. Im happy with my life, and I cant compare it to my sisters, we are just not the same people. 

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