Post # 1
Here is my tough/weird situation…
I have a sister who is 4 years older than me who has never dated before or been in a relationship before. Part of the reason is because she has suffered with a lot of anxiety and depression when she was younger but now is finally on the right path with some medication and a therapist. For the past 2 years she has been doing great and has found herself with a job once she graduated college she loves, involved in a lot of activities ect. She tried to meet someone and signed up for online dating but that did not work out.
Well I am 4 years younger than her and got engaged about 3 weeks ago. At first she was very happy for me and excited that she will be my Maid/Matron of Honor and help me plan. Now after a couple weeks she is starting to feel a bit down, upset, and sometimes mad because she has never had a relationship before and feels like since she is older she should be the one getting married first. My engagement just reminds her of that she isn’t in a relationship and is not getting married first. She doesn’t want to feel that way, but every time I talk about wedding plans I can tell she does.
It is getting to the point where I find it hard to include her in my wedding planning because every time I do she gets emotional in some way whether it is good or bad. Like I said, she really does not want to be emotional but she just is a very emotional person (part of the reason she struggled with anxiety and depression) and just honestly cannot help it.
I am very happy I am engaged but at the same time I feel really bad that my engagement is hurting my sister. Even when people congratulate my family on the engagement there is always a comment that follows on the line of “how is (sister) doing with (me) being engaged first?” Nobody can seem to be happy for me without being sad for her if that makes sense.
It is a very happy occasion and my family and friends are super excited for me but the happier they are for me the more upset my sister gets. It seems like one of the happiest times in my life is also one of the hardest for my sister. I want to be able to share and enjoy my engagement with her but I just can’t.
I have tried to talk to her about it and she tells me she honestly is happy for me and is trying not to be emotional about the whole situation which makes me feel bad when I get annoyed when she gets emotional.
I don’t know. I feel like my emotions are mixed up about this whole process and feel very weird about everything. I am not exactly sure how to describe my emotions.
Post # 2
Your sister needs to live her own life and get over herself. You can’t put your life on hold
Post # 3
She’s an adult, which means she should suck it up and support you, and find someone else to lean on when her relationship struggles get her down during this happy time for you. I think all you can do is give her some space and let her jump back in to help when she’s ready. If shes’s distant or mopey when you need her for planning, maybe enlist one of your other BMs to do support work on planning things. You have to move forward and not get dragged down by her.
ETA: I kind of can’t blame her too much if everyone in your circle has the “OMG you got engaged first? How sad for your sister!” attitude circa 1800. It’s a ridiculous sentiment in this day and age, and still on her to deal with it, but I can see how that’s not helping her.
Post # 4
Speaking as an older sister, I think you should take her at her word and allow her to process this on her own. She’s capable of it. She may struggle with the fact that you’re getting married before her, but I would bet that she’s aware that’s really HER issue, and has nothing to do with you or your engagement, excepting insofar as perhaps bringing up some self-esteem issues that she’s dealing with. But as an older sister, I would never, ever want my younger sister to feel like she’s responsible for my emotional well-being! And even if I had difficulty accepting something in her life, I would definitely want her to be happy.
Unless she lashes out at you or something, I think you should just allow her to “be emotional.” You can curtail the amount of wedding talk you have with her, and if you want to also help, you can try to spend more time with her that isn’t all about the wedding–like, just go see a movie, or better yet, talk about what’s going on in HER life.
Post # 5
Maybe just see how it goes… and keep her out of the planning for a few weeks. She will have time to process her feelings and work through it. She knows what she is feeling isn’t good. If it continues for another month then have a calm and gentle talk with her about how to proceed.
Post # 6
I don’t think you’re sister deserves to be excluded from you’re wedding. She hasn’t humiliated you or lashed out on you it just sounds like she’s going through a hard time , give her a chance to work through it I’m sure it doesn’t help when people make comments as you stated above about getting engaged first. I’m sure you’re sister will come around and I am sure she’s genuinely happy for you.
Post # 7
I agree. I AM the older sister who is getting married second in some ways. I was in a relationship when she got engaged, and was engaged when she got married, but I still understand how it feels. My sister also has a baby and I do not, and I have lost two pregnancies in less than two years. I just found out yesterday that she is pregnant again. Sometimes its hard for me. But I am well aware that these are my issues, and I dont want them to change how my sister treats me. I want to be part of her life, and I dont want her to have to tip toe around me. Life isnt a set of predetermined events that have to happen in the exact order for everyone. Im happy with my life, and I cant compare it to my sisters, we are just not the same people.