(Closed) Getting married before the wedding?

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 32
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@eloping: I’m curious what your feeling is if she were to say yes to both? To me, that would make no difference at all. How many couples DON’T do both of those things prior to marriage?

To me I’d be more offended at the couple who has lived together for 5+ years and have a couple kids. And that means I wouldn’t be very offended at all 😉

Post # 33
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have a hard time understanding why people are so vehement about this topic. I don’t consider a courthouse marriage to be the same a marriage ceremony performed in front of family and friends. I also don’t care if the couple “lies” to me about being married legally before the actual wedding. As far as I’m concerned, to stand up in front of your friends and family to say your vows and make your commitment is much more meaningful. So what if you said vows to a Justice of the Peace earlier that year, I’d still be happy to attend a wedding where the couple got legally married first and then had the wedding, for whatever reason. If you care about the couple, it shouldn’t matter when they got legally married, only that you were able to share in the celebration with them.

Also, as I understand it, this is becoming increasingly common and as other Bees have pointed out, other countries have separate ceremonies for the legal and spiritual weddings.

Post # 34
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

1. No

2. I defintely wouldn’t be offended. but I would prefer to know like 

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eloping: said. Ultimately, if your legally married prior to the ceremony, it has zero bearing on my decision on whether I’ll attend or not.

We are planning having a City Hall ceremony this year and a larger celebration in ’12.  We’ll be very upfront with everyone. I just don’t get why this a big deal. As more people are up front about it, the less “stigma” it will have.

If guests and family think of my 2nd wedding celebration as “less real” — I’m fine with that. That’s totally on them and if they don’t come. Plus side, thats less money that I have to spend.

But I’m cool with couples who don’t divulge this info, because honestly its really no ones business either way. There are so many of reasons (getting health benefits, “its just paperwork and not the real “wedding” without my family) and its not up to me to decide if its valid or not. Their wedding, their choices. My wedding, my choices.

Post # 35
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My brother and his wife got legally married ~6 months before the wedding so that they could get a head start on the green card process for her. It was just the two of them at the courthouse, and they told their closest family and friends. They even stuck up pictures of it on their picasa account before the big wedding. This didn’t take a way from their big splashy sparkly day at all, and I don’t think anyone even brought it up/thought of it.

They were just two separate things. The purpose of the first was to legally bind them so that she could find a job easier and not  have to have a company sponsor her visa (finishing a student visa). The purpose of the second was to be wed spiritually and emotionally in front of their family and friends.

If this is something that you’ve thought about and want to do, you should just do it. If you want to tell everyone, that is fine. But at least in my life, I have a certain set of people who I tell the super important stuff to that I might not want everyone to know. Ultimately, everyone will have an opinion about everything you do before, during, and after your wedding(s). The only opinions that matter in the end are yours and your FI’s. Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

1) no

1) nope, don’t care at all.

IMO, for different people, “getting married” means a different thing. For instance, if I for some reason I signed marriage papers in a courthouse, I wouldn’t consider myself truly married until I had a proper ceremony with a pastor present. Other couples consider the government papers to be the meaning of “getting married”. I do not think their status is for anyone to decide but the couple themselves. If the couple does not consider themselves married, why should they tell anyone they are?

Post # 37
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@galloway111: Oh okay, got it. I wouldn’t be offended either way..and to be frank, I wouldn’t really care lol. You gotta do what you gotta do! This is becoming way more popular anyway, and everyone has a different reason for doing it.

Post # 39
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Lisa hit it right on the mark-

“When you get married, that IS your wedding and you ARE husband and wife and MARRIED.  Anything you do after that is not a wedding.”

My sister had her WEDDING through justice of the peace a year before second fake wedding. She kept this fact hidden so that she could squeeze a big ceremony from our parents (all expenses paid). We all planned her second fake wedding for her and went through hellish stress not to mention her maid of honor backing out at the last minute (yep she picked someone else over me-her sister-the one that always saved her butt and bailed her out of trouble). I came to her rescue, yet again, at great expense since we all not only paid for her wedding but her honeymoon as well.

Years later i discovered why the maid of honor backed out, my sister was already married by a full year and the maid of honor not only considered the first civil wedding her real wedding but found it offensive that my sister was TRICKING her family into giving her a lavish ceremony!

When i confronted my sister she laughed, thought it was funny that it took years for me to find out since some family members knew years ago. The only family members that knew were mom and dad, who found out a few days after her fake second wedding. Mom & Dad decided to keep their mouths shut about it knowing full well that the rest of the family would be furious if they found out.

Civil or not the minute you say “I DO” in front of a person who is in a position to marry you THAT IS YOUR WEDDING!Anything you do after that is called RENEWING YOUR VOWS.

And for the record GOD doesn’t only reside in a church, he’s everywhere EVEN at your CIVIL WEDDING.

For those of you that say a CIVIL WEDDING is not a real wedding therefore you don’t consider that being married, its a slap in the face of thousands of people that got married civially. So i guess their marriages are fake because they didnt have some fancy cinderella wedding? Because really that’s what you are saying.

Further, from previous experience i can tell you that HIDING it from your family is deceitful, insulting and degrading to your own vows. Afterall, if you don’t consider the civil ceremony a real wedding/real marriage then why the need to hide it?

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