(Closed) Getting married before the wedding day/secret marriage

posted 4 years ago in Elopement
Post # 2
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee

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weddingbae :  I wouldn’t keep it a secret – can you turn the 2018 “Wedding” into a “Celebration of Marriage” party/reception? You can send out marriage announcements with the reception to come. 

 

Post # 3
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

I saw a similar post in last 2 weeks n I was shocked at how controversial the topic is.

as for me, do what u need to and no I would not be annoyed to go to a wedding where it has already taken place legally. Celebration is sharing your joyous day with rest of the people who are important to you. People who care for you will not mind. It’s up to u to say or not. I suggest saying only if someone really asks u which I doubt anyone will.

Post # 4
Member
10509 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would be honest with people. People don’t like being lied to and I think a lot of people would be hurt or at least very annoyed if they found out you lied to them.

Post # 5
Member
4010 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree, I wouldn’t keep it a secret. You can still host a reception next year if you want to plan a big party. Your family is aware of your condition; I’m sure they would understand and be just as happy for you. 

Post # 6
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I think you need to do what makes you feel the most comfortable. I know many people who have had to do something similar and have kept it either secret or been open about it, and I was never upset to find out they had been “married” before their wedding ceremony. For many of my friends, it had to do with visas and jobs, etc. Getting legally married made things easier for them until they could plan the wedding they actually wanted. 

Post # 7
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

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hikingbride :  this is a popular opinion on weddingbee and I don’t get it. Why does it affect people on such a personal level when a couple decides to do what’s best for them? It’s a celebration either way, everything will go down exactly the same way from the guests POV. How does it have such a huge impact on the guests?

Post # 8
Member
3237 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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prism :  because people have to take time off work and spend lots of money going to a wedding and when you call it a wedding you’re telling them that you’re getting married at this time and they are bearing witness to it. Some people place value on that and being told the truth. Some people may not take the time off work or be willing to spend the $$ on a party without that significance behind it and that should be their decision to make. 

Post # 9
Member
10509 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

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prism :  I’m not sure why you are asking me this when all I said was don’t lie about it. I didn’t say people will be hurt or annoyed because they got married sooner – I’m saying it’s the LYING that will upset people the most. Do you enjoy being lied to? I certainly don’t.

If a friend wants to get married at the courthouse and then have the big-to-do later – whatever it doesn’t impact me but you’re adults freaking own your decision and be honest with people about it. If people are important enough to you for you to invite them to your wedding, have them bring you gifts, possibly throw pre-wedding parties for you – I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be honest with people about something as basic as your martial status. I’m still going to come and be happy for you but respect me and our friendship enough to tell me the truth.

Post # 10
Member
13650 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There is nothing wrong with your plan or the reason for your plan with the exception of the part where you are keeping your marriage secret from friends and family. That part is unacceptable. People will resent being lied to. 

The mere fact that you are considering this only suggests that you know full well your guests might feel differently about the definition of a wedding and decide for themselves how to prioritize a vow renewal. 

The good news. You can have your delayed reception and you can even wear a white gown, eat cake, have special dances, speeches and a party limited only by your budget and ideas. But you can’t have all the advantages of marriage while pretending they aren’t significant or that you are really still an engaged couple.

If you invite people to a “celebration of marriage” or a year later probably more accurate to call it an anniversary party, then people who really care about you will still want to be there to celebrate with you. 

I hope you can figure out the medical issues. I have no doubt they are frustrating to deal with.

Post # 11
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

OP, I totally understand your dilemma. Different reasons, but same logistical situation/issue (legal marriage first, then the party 6 months later).  I didn’t tell my family because the legal marriage was just that. Very simple, a judge, us and 2 witnesses in a park. I didn’t put a lot of sentimental power behind it. However, when my mom found out that what I considered the “real” wedding had been “fake” in her opinion, she was devastated. It caused a huge rift between us. For that reason, I’d recommend being honest with people. Nobody likes to feel lied to.

Then, I had a friend that did a sudden courthouse marriage/eloped and they kept it secret for a while because they were planning a larger wedding/reception. I saw her wearing a wedding ring on two different occasions and asked if they had already gotten married. She said no, but was lying. It made me SO upset when I found out the truth. She is a very good friend of mine and I felt really deceived. Her husband didn’t want people to know because he wanted the reception to feel like the real thing, but it hurt a lot of people’s feelings in the process.

I completely understand why you need to get married earlier, but would recommend being honest about it.

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prism :  Do you like being lied to? Do you like feeling as though you have been deceived? Especially by someone you consider close (family, close friends, etc)? Probably not.

Post # 12
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

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carolinabelle :  
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hikingbride :  

 

Sorry I just don’t think it’s a big deal. If a lie doesn’t affect me personally then it doesn’t bother me. Its not a lie that’s going to hurt people, it’s about them personally and choosing not to share that personal fact. It’s a wedding either way and knowing that they got the paperwork done beforehand wouldn’t cause me to change my mind about attending their wedding.

Post # 13
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

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emeraldbee :  Maybe I’m missing the point. Can you explain why you were so devastated that your friend got legally married before her wedding without broadcasting it? How did that impact you or your friendship with her? It’s kind of weird she wore the wedding ring if she didn’t want people to know though. In my opinion a good friend would be encouraging and understand the reasoning behind it. You said you did it yourself and considered the wedding the real marriage but because someone else decided it was fake you were in the wrong? 

 

I feel that it’s the couples decision on how they want to do things and it’s no one else’s business. I don’t see why this would cause people to behave differently or not want to witness their special moment. My best friend got married quietly and didn’t tell anyone at all. When I found out I was a bit taken back at first but then I realized it was her decision and if she was happy then I was happy for her.

Post # 14
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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prism :  I was upset because she flat out lied to my face when I excitedly asked her if she’d already gotten married. Twice. If she had said yes, I would have been more than ecstatic for her. They ended up not doing a wedding/reception later, so now I feel that in their effort to keep everything secret, I totally missed out on celebrating them. They also invited one of their other friends to the courthouse ceremony, but not me. They said this was just a random thing and not intentionally to leave me out, but it still hurt my feelings. They didn’t handle it gracefully or kindly at all.

Am I happy for them that they are married, absolutely. Were my feelings super hurt when I found out I’d been lied to and left out of the process when another mutual friend had been invited, absolutely.

Post # 15
Member
10509 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

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prism :  It’s fine if you don’t care if people lie to you but I’m saying I do. You asked my reasoning and I gave it. Like I said, weddings often involve people spending a lot of time and money on the couple so I think it’s only right to be upfront. And besides, I don’t like carrying around secrets and lying to those close to me and I wouldn’t want hide my marriage from people like it’s something to be ashamed of anyway.

And it’s not actually a private matter or personal fact as marriages are public record and literally anyone could look up when they were legally married – making it a stupid lie as well.

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