Post # 31
I don’t get it. You are going through a lot of trouble trying to justify not telling anyone. Are you going to call him your husband? Are you going to wear a wedding ring? That is ‘publicly declaring’ your marriage IMO. If you aren’t doing that, then you’re pretending that you aren’t married, and that is lying, because you’re not engaged, you’re married.
Post # 32
sorry if I wasn’t clear! To clarify, the first part is signing the register and just the legal vows (no personalised vows/readings/music) and then just us two going for a meal or something to celebrate. It would be low-key a relatively impersonal other than myself and my partner just making the most of the traditionally less-romantic part of the wedding. The 2018 ceremony would be declaring our love and commitment in front of all the people we care about in a personalised ceremony with music, readings and personalised vows.
This isn’t our ideal situation, we would rather things went according to plan. We’re just trying to keep as many people as happy as possible while also doing what we know to be right for ourselves.
Post # 33
I’m not trying to justify not telling anyone at all, it would be far easier for us if we could tell everyone and everyone was happy for us and everyone still came to our celebration next year because they appreciated that it was equally important to us. I was just asking if keeping it secret would be the best way to ensure that the public ceremony was as important and meaningful to everyone involved. Clearly it wouldn’t and that’s fine. We will not be wearing rings until our celebrant ceremony, and I won’t change my name until then either. To us, the ceremony in front of our loved ones is far more meaningful and this is when our “marriage” in the non-legal sense will begin. The legal ceremony is mainly a formality, but also a personal decision in order to reduce the stress.
Post # 34
“it would be far easier for us if we could tell everyone”
Yep it would. Just do that.
Post # 35
I feel like if the legal portion means that little, then why even do it in advance? I read your OP and can sympathize with the health issue, but you keep saying how the legal day wouldn’t mean much….so then I don’t get the point. If wanting to get married while you still have hair is that important that you would do thenlegal portion a year early, then by extension, the legal part IS important to you.
Im not saying it either right or wrong, but it’s either not important, in which case doing it while you still have hair won’t help anything and there’s no point. Or it IS important and you should just own that fact.
A legal ceremony can be important and it doesn’t need to take away from the public ceremony with family. It’s not one or the other in terms of emotional attachment.
Post # 36
the legal part is important. I didn’t say that it wasn’t. It’s important enough that it takes the pressure off, plus it allows us to be able to afford to live for the next year. But it’s important for us as a couple rather than for us as part of our friends and family. Our public ceremony is just as much for our loved ones as it is for us, hence why I want opinions on the matter.
Post # 37
I will restate what I always say in situations such as this.
For some reason, people are sometimes of the opinion that unless they tell great grandmama how many times per week they are having sex and in what positions, they are lying. NOT SO!
Many life episodes are meant to be shared between spouses, or between close family, or not shared AT ALL.
The classic “diamond lie” is case in point. Whatever you wear on third finger left hand is your ENGAGEMENT RING. It is ABSOLUTELY NO ONE’S BUSINESS what the stone is or what the metal is or what it cost or anything else about it, EXCEPT YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE.
Omitting specifics and expressing joy over your situation is ENOUGH.
OP, you have a healthy reaction to a serious problem that could cause you great discomfort. You have paid your dues and are eminentLy entitled to do EXACTLY what you wish to do.
Do it, and may you enjoy every grace and blessing!
Post # 38
“I was just asking if keeping it secret would be the best way to ensure that the public ceremony was as important and meaningful to everyone involved. Clearly it wouldn’t and that’s fine. “
Sounds like the OP knows what she’s gonna do now. I guess we can all back off of this (perplexingly) highly emotional issue, right?
Post # 39
ya could have just said that, you know? Rather than telling us that we’re lying to people that we care about about an issue that is very personal and honestly quite upsetting to me. I don’t know why I expected slightly more compassionate answers.
People that I don’t know and will never meet seem personally offended about a very personal decision that my partner and I are choosing to make based on a very unfortunate and difficult set of circumstances. Cheers for putting a damper on things guys.
Post # 40
Wrong. If someone ask you what stone your ring is and you say diamond even though it’s a CZ–you’re a liar. It’s not a polite question, but it still makes the answer a lie.
Getting married and a year later inviting people to a wedding is equally a lie. The couple is already married and although they’re not obligated to wear a flashing sign announcing their marriage to the world, inviting people to an anniversary party while calling it a wedding is a choice to lie for personal benefit. OP is making her marital status someone’s business when she asks them to spend time and money attending a pretty princess day that is purposely and deceptively called a wedding when it’s decidedly not.
OP wants to be married earlier because it’s important to her due to health concerns. No one isn’t understanding and supportive of that decision, but 2018 is not her wedding no matter how many excuses and justifications can be manafactured.
Post # 41
our ceremony is NOT a “pretty princess day”. It is OUR wedding ceremony. It is not our marriage ceremony, but it’s an important part of our marriage. It is happening because we have booked it already and I’m not losing a grand’s deposit because you think me wanting to share an important life event with our friends and family is a lie for “my benefit”. I cannot believe how unnecessarily horrible people are being. I asked for an opinion or advice, not to be called a liar when I haven’t even made a decision yet. Honestly, I’m really upset. Try being bald on your wedding day guys, it might give you some kind of empathy.
Post # 42
I don’t think most people would be less excited to celebrate with you. The couple are the ones most emotionally invested in the wedding, guests are mostly there to have fun and share in the joy! I’m sure if you are honest with people will be understanding of your reasonings and be just as happy to come to your public ceremony in 2018.
Post # 43
Thank you. When I asked for advice, this is the kind of thing I was expecting. I appreciate that it’s unconventional, but I didn’t expect people to belittle my wedding day and call me a liar just for asking if it would be better to keep it quiet or to be honest with people. I appreciate your point of view, thank you.
Post # 44
weddingbae : weddingbae :
No it would not bother me to go to your wedding and I learn that you were legally married. It happens more than people know. I’m from the US and my SO is European and we attend weddings regularly of his friends & family/relatives where people already had a government wedding a week, a few months or even a year before the ceremony we were invited to. It is common practice there. Majority of the guests don’t even know the actual government ceremony date because it is different to the date of the ceremony in front of family and friends. I’m pretty familiar with this set-up. As a guest, I am just happy for the couple and they chose me to be a part of that day. Only you know what works best in your situation and whatever that is, you ought to do. Good luck.
Post # 45
OK, so let’s say someone asks after your legal ceremony: “Are you guys getting excited to be husband and wife?” What is your response going to be?