(Closed) Getting married before the wedding day/secret marriage

posted 4 years ago in Elopement
Post # 31
3324 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t get it. You are going through a lot of trouble trying to justify not telling anyone. Are you going to call him your husband? Are you going to wear a wedding ring? That is ‘publicly declaring’ your marriage IMO. If you aren’t doing that, then you’re pretending that you aren’t married, and that is lying, because you’re not engaged, you’re married.

Post # 34
3324 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

“it would be far easier for us if we could tell everyone”

Yep it would. Just do that.

Post # 35
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I feel like if the legal portion means that little, then why even do it in advance? I read your OP and can sympathize with the health issue, but you keep saying how the legal day wouldn’t mean much….so then I don’t get the point. If wanting to get married while you still have hair is that important that you would do thenlegal portion  a year early, then by extension, the legal part IS important to you. 

Im not saying it either right or wrong, but it’s either not important, in which case doing it while you still have hair won’t help anything and there’s no point. Or it IS important and you should just own that fact. 

A legal ceremony can be important and it doesn’t need to take away from the public ceremony with family. It’s not one or the other in terms of emotional attachment. 

Post # 37
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

I will restate what I always say in situations such as this.

For some reason, people are sometimes of the opinion that unless they tell great grandmama how many times per week they are having sex and in what positions, they are lying. NOT SO!

Many life episodes are meant to be shared between spouses, or between close family, or not shared AT ALL.

The classic “diamond lie” is case in point. Whatever you wear on third finger left hand is your ENGAGEMENT RING. It is ABSOLUTELY NO ONE’S BUSINESS what the stone is or what the metal is or what it cost or anything else about it, EXCEPT YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE.

Omitting specifics and expressing joy over your situation is ENOUGH.

OP, you have a healthy reaction to a serious problem that could cause you great discomfort. You have paid your dues and are eminentLy entitled to do EXACTLY what you wish to do.

Do it, and may you enjoy every grace and blessing!

Post # 38
1717 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

weddingbae  wrote: 

“I was just asking if keeping it secret would be the best way to ensure that the public ceremony was as important and meaningful to everyone involved. Clearly it wouldn’t and that’s fine. “


Sounds like the OP knows what she’s gonna do now. I guess we can all back off of this (perplexingly) highly emotional issue, right?


Post # 40
634 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ann.reid.9277 :  Wrong.  If someone ask you what stone your ring is and you say diamond even though it’s a CZ–you’re a liar.  It’s not a polite question, but it still makes the answer a lie. 

Getting married and a year later inviting people to a wedding is equally a lie.  The couple is already married and although they’re not obligated to wear a flashing sign announcing their marriage to the world, inviting people to an anniversary party while calling it a wedding is a choice to lie for personal benefit. OP is making her marital status someone’s business when she asks them to spend time and money attending a pretty princess day that is purposely and deceptively called a wedding when it’s decidedly not. 

OP wants to be married earlier because it’s important to her due to health concerns.  No one isn’t understanding and supportive of that decision, but 2018 is not her wedding no matter how many excuses and justifications can be manafactured. 

Post # 42
10516 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t think most people would be less excited to celebrate with you. The couple are the ones most emotionally invested in the wedding, guests are mostly there to have fun and share in the joy! I’m sure if you are honest with people will be understanding of your reasonings and be just as happy to come to your public ceremony in 2018.

Post # 44
5404 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
weddingbae :  
View original reply
weddingbae :  No it would not bother me to go to your wedding and I learn that you were legally married. It happens more than people know. I’m from the US and my SO is European and we attend weddings regularly of his friends & family/relatives where people already had a government wedding a week, a few months or even a year before the ceremony we were invited to. It is common practice there. Majority of the guests don’t even know the actual government ceremony date because it is  different to the date of the ceremony in front of family and friends. I’m pretty familiar with this set-up. As a guest, I am just happy for the couple and they chose me to be a part of that day. Only you know what works best in your situation and whatever that is, you ought to do. Good luck.

Post # 45
1411 posts
Bumble bee

OK, so let’s say someone asks after your legal ceremony: “Are you guys getting excited to be husband and wife?” What is your response going to be?

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