(Closed) Getting married before the wedding day/secret marriage

posted 4 years ago in Elopement
Post # 48
Member
13649 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I don’t think anyone intended to hurt your feelings. To the contrary, I think most posters are trying to help by advising you to be sensitive to the feelings of the people you care about. 

To get back to basics, a wedding is, by definition the occasion upon which two people get married. The party is a reception or “wedding reception.” 

What you seem to want is a vow renewal that everyone will be every bit as excited about as you are. Unfortunately, you can’t control how other people think and feel. Or change the definition of a “wedding.”

Unfortunately, it’s possible that there are those who might not spend the money or make the trip if they know it’s not your wedding day. There may be people who feel that wedding vows, as simple and unassuming as the surroundings might have been, can only really happen once. You can refuse to agree, but where does that get you? 

If you want people to attend, I’d start focusing on being a welcoming and gracious host who respects that at least some of her guests may have different sensibilities. You do that by calling it what it is. 

If you could get past the semantics I have no doubt you could host an event that will be absolutely beautiful and contains most or many of the elements you really want. 

Post # 49
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s terribly romantic to have a private wedding then have the celebration later. At the end of the day a marriage is about just 2 people being together and the wedding celebration is other people getting together ad showing their support. 

Post # 50
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

I know this is a hot topic but do what you need to do. 

We had a whole wedding planned and paid for when we realized getting married earlier would save us $7000 in taxes. So we did a private courthouse thing with our parents and then had our wedding in May. The few people who knew came anyhow, but we mostly just didn’t mention it.

We don’t regret it, and those who have found out since didn’t care. It’s easy to point fingers when you’re on the outside, looking in, so just do you. 

Post # 51
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I would have no problems going to a celebration or delayed reception of their marriage if they got married earlier. If they’ve been married for any length of time I would find it weird they were having another ceremony. I mean, haven’t you been already married for the last year or whatever? But it wouldn’t make the reception party any less fun. I would expect them to phrase their invitations appropriately so that it doesn’t read as if they are actually getting married, when they are already legally married. I’d probably spend less money to attend an out of town event. 

But if I found out afterwards they lied to me and the rest of the guests, I would be pissed. Once you invite people, it does become their business. If you don’t want it to be anyone’s business, then don’t invite guests.  I would reconsider my relationship with that couple. 

 

Post # 52
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
litttlemisslamb :  Did you see ANYTHING in what I wrote that suggested telling someone that you CZ is a diamond? 

Read what I said- you answer a question by saying “That information is a private matter between my Fiance and me”.

NO ONE has the right to attempt to interrogate ANYONE about personal information and NO ONE is under any obligation to reveal personal information to anyone else for fear they will be telling a lie.

And even more, any human being who asks imposing, mean spirited, unnecessary questions is in far worse moral shape than those whom you accuse of lying.

I never NEVER lie. But I’m damned if I’ll spill my guts for the sake of anyone who has no business getting a minutely detailed answer to a question that is none of h/h business, and therefore shouldn’t have been asked.

 

 

Post # 53
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee

For people who consider the signing of papers to be the important part to witness and wouldn’t attend a celebration of your marriage/exchanging of vows at a later date because it is “fake”… do you really care if they don’t come?  

I’d tell people you got legally married and are looking forward to a formal commitment ceremony and reception with loved ones in 2018. 🙂

Post # 54
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
ann.reid.9277 :  But marriage isn’t just a personal/private matter. Sure, there are aspects of it that are private but you get married legally it’s a matter of public record.

Post # 55
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ann.reid.9277 :  Calling your legal spouse your fiancé is a lie which is exactly what you just advocated.  Calling a recommitment ceremony/vow renewal/ anniversary party a wedding is also a lie.  It appears you think you get redefine lying just like people who are legally married want to redefine wedding so they can call a vow renewal/anniversary party a wedding. 

If someone is unable to live an authentic life he or she is unashamed of than that speaks pretty clearly to the content of his or her character.  Needing to lie about your marital status is a clear indication of the level of respect you place upon relationships with close friends and family.  Apparently some people find integrity to be something that is okay to compromise for personal gain because they deserve “privacy” when making a public declaration (no contradiction there whatsoever.)  Getting a few internet strangers like you to say it’s okay doesn’t make it so…

Post # 56
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

I’m confused as to why you can’t just tell people you are getting married, and having a celebration later? What’s the downside to that?

Post # 57
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Bee, do what you want. This is your marriage! I’m actually doing something similar. My fiancé and I will be doing the legal ceremony at the end of March but our big wedding isn’t until May. only our parents know we would be already legally married before the wedding. My wedding is a celebration with family and friends, it also will be a religious one. I actually see a big distinction between my wedding and the legal bit. I don’t see how it’s anyone’s business what you do. 

Post # 58
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

…a lot of people here just explained why, if you are inviting them to your wedding, it becomes their business. No one is saying she can’t do it, but I don’t understand the secrecy part? If you truly saw nothing wrong with it, why the secret?

Post # 59
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I’d just tell people you and Fiance decided it was best to legally wed early but you still very much want their presence to celebrate in 2018. At this point I feel like people who love you and want to celebrate your union still will, people who feel strongly about that well hell that’s one less plate you have to pay for. 

Post # 60
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

View original reply
weddingbae :  eh, no it’s not “common in the UK” it might be common in your social circle but it’s not in mine, nor have any wedding I’ve ever been too done it like this. 

 Also most couples don’t do this, whatever way you paint this story you’re lying to your guests by denying you’re married, not wearing a wedding ring and pretending the party is a real wedding when it’s not. It’s a sham.

alas you don’t like hearing you’re wrong because we are obviously just all picking on you.

dont keep it a secret, it’s a shitty thing to do 

The topic ‘Getting married before the wedding day/secret marriage’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors