(Closed) Getting married before the wedding day/secret marriage

posted 4 years ago in Elopement
Post # 77
Member
5407 posts
Bee Keeper

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weddingbae :  Yes, longer than usual but I think you’ll be fine with the time gap. One of my SO’s best friends did his government ceremony July 2014 then had his religious/church ceremony followed by a formal reception not until the next year, September 2015. No one batted an eye or said something as far as I’m aware (this wedding was in Europe). There were only limited available dates for the venue (castle) since it was very much in demand and that’s the date that worked best in their situation. 

Post # 78
Member
9184 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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weddingbae :  but you can’t really say “why are you so offended by my opinion ” and then get offended by their opinion though. That is hypocritical. Some people find what you suggested really offensive to guests. Some people feel that the legal ceremony is a big deal. That is their right. Same as it is your right to think otherwise. But when you start imposing your views (like by omitting the truth) on others then yeah people can get rightfully upset. Someones opinion is not the same thing as imposing your views on someone. If a couple chose to lie to guests about being legally married because they don’t feel it is the guests (invited to a wedding as opposed to a celebration/vow renewal) business then they are imposing their views on guests.

Post # 80
Member
13650 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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weddingbae :  How do you intend to word your invitations, though? If you invite people to a “wedding” that means you will be married at or immediately surrounding the event itself. If you have been married for a year, that is a proactive falsehood, not a lie of omission. If, as suggested, you invite people to an anniversary party or a celebration of marriage, you avoid saying something that is by definition, untrue. 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-wedding-isnt-real-unless-its-a-really-big-show/2011/07/08/gIQAJDqVVI_story.html?utm_term=.7d401fbc77dd

Post # 81
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I know a couple who got married the year before their actual wedding because she had a medical emergency and needed his insurance. They did not tell anyone because they didn’t want it to be the focus of conversation leading up to and at their wedding.  

If you want to have a ceremony while your healthy and photos with your real hair you go for it!!! Screw whatever anyone else says on here about guests. You have to look back at those photos and be happy with them. Then do the ceremony with everyone else on your booked date.  I would tell immediate family only who need to know to support you through this tough time. You can tell everyone else after the wedding and if they throw a fit they don’t belong in your life.

Post # 82
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Op, own it, the real reason you want to keep your marriage a “secret”/ hidden from your guests is so you can still reap the rewards of a traditional wedding.  You want the gifts/princess day and others prioritizing your vow renewal believing (erroneously) that its a real wedding. Plenty here have/will tell you to lie/pretend/do whatever you want after all you’re the only one who actually matters in life ..not true.  I would recommend being honest. 

Post # 85
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m all for being honest with your guests, but I feel the bees who are calling you selfish and cash grabby are being rather  uncharitable. Do they really think that there’s no reason other than cash/gifts that you’d want to celebrate your love with your family and friends?

Post # 86
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

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whoami :  Yes, that’s why I disclosed that this is my limited experience and that I’m not claiming to know everything there is to know about courthouse weddings/etc.

No, I’m not trying to tell anyone what the important part of their marriage is – that’s exactly why I asked how OP viewed the legal side of things because it might be of extreme importance to her (in which case it should be important enough to share) or it might be important solely because it’s a required step in getting married and the actual act of signing means little to her on its own, there’s a lot of room in between there. Plenty of people think the legal part is when they actually got married, but plenty of people think it’s the standing in front of family/friends or as I mentioned in my first post, for a lot of my family the legal part means literally diddly squat to them and they go through the motions because it’s required of them but they’re only married when it’s in the church in front of a priest and with family and friends around. None of these views are more correct than any other, imo, and it varies from couple to couple which is why I asked.

Maybe we just have differing expectations from friendship, which is fine, but does not make your interpretation more valid than mine. If I’m not close enough to you for you to want to share when your life changes dramatically – in this case, you got married! You have a husband now! Wow, that’s amazing! I’m not entitlled to this information? True, but no one’s entitled to anything from anyone and in my life part of building relationships with people is valuing sharing these important moments and I can’t think of many moments more important in someone’s life than when they get married. If you don’t want to share with me when you got married, that’s fine and that’s your right and you’re absolutely correct that I’m not entitled to that information. But if I thought we were super close and you thought I didn’t need to know when you got married, I would re-evaluate our friendship at that point to see if we were truly such a mismatch of expectations and values in relationships.

Again, I will absolutely celebrate your marriage with you, but while I will do I everything I can to be a part of your life changing event, no I’m not necessarily going to spend $1k to fly across the country and everything else entailed in going to a wedding for what is not actually seeing you in the moment you make the transition from not-married to married but is rather me spending $1k to partake in a celebration of the fact that you /got/ married. This is my set of priorities because I only have so many funds to allocate between all aspects of my life. If I had unlimited income, I would go without hesitation to every wedding I was invited to and every baby shower and every etc, but I do not have unlimited funds and thus I’m going to prioritize differently based on different circumstances. If this was withheld from me in this scenario and I found later, I would absolutely be hurt, but you wouldn’t and I don’t think either is the “correct response”.

As for disclosing the medical/insurance side of things – of course that should only occur if she’s comfortable and willing to let people know that side of things. But again you can’t expect people to feel the full weight of her situation if she is unwilling to disclose it. It’s not fair but it’s reality. It’s like anything in life – if you stood me up because you were robbed last night my reaction is going to be totally different based on whether or not you disclose that information to me. I’m not entitled to it, but it will color my perception of the situation. It wouldn’t change what you had to go through and it would still be unfair to you if you didn’t tell me and I blew up at you and made a sucky situation worse for you, but it’s unfortunately one of the general limits of human sympathy.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be willing to get married whenever they want, but in my life there’s a distinction between watching someone “getting married” and “celebrating a marriage” – if you don’t see that distinction, that’s fine. Ultimately, even if we were actually in each other’s lives, I couldn’t hold you to my standard of what constitutes “getting married” and you couldn’t hold me to yours in the same way that you can’t demand people not be hurt by your decision but it is absolutely within your right to feel that you did what was best for yourself and you don’t regret it and you would do it the exact same way again. Neither reaction is wrong and in my opinion you can’t just demand that people feel the same way you do in reaction to a situation or view the world the same way you do anymore than I or anyone else can demand that you conform to my viewpoint on this issue. I’m sorry people in your life have not been understanding to your friends’ personal situation. I can’t imagine people being so heartless as to try to tell them to deny themselves critical medical care over the timing of when they got married, which is why I suggest that people who love OP will likely understand her situation but you’re right there’s always the chance they would react this way to her as well. That is an incredibly hurtful place to be and I know if I were them, I would feel like those people were saying they valued my life less than getting to go to my wedding and I don’t know if I could forgive that. My heart goes out to them because I can’t even imagine how much that must hurt them.

That’s why I’m saying to OP – look into your heart to what you feel is “honest” and “kind” because clearly everyone varies on what that means in this situation. As long as you act in accordance to what you personally feel is right in this situation, it will be a lot easier to go forward confidently with your decision and look back without regrets which is ultimately all you can do in situations like this where there’s no perfect win-win solution.

Post # 87
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

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weddingbae :  I’m sorry you got so many cruel responses. You’re going through a rough time and clearly this is a bit of a sticky situation to people here, but people get blinders on when they think they’re Right(TM). I wish you all the best going forward. I hope your medical treatments go well for you so you can feel beautiful and confident in your life and on your wedding day.

It’s bizarre because if you invited me to the first celebration of your marriage I absolutely would bring a gift? It’s like saying anniversary parties (where I would also bring a gift) are just gift grabs and not at all a celebration of a couple’s marriage. ????? I just don’t understand, so you absolutely have my symapthy there as well.

Post # 88
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

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weddingbae :  I can see you are very upset and emotional. I’m not here to upset you, but I’d like to know if there will be a shower or Bachelorette/bachelor party before or after the courthouse? If so, will the host and attendants know of your plans before the parties? I’m not asking this to trap you..

Post # 89
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

After this thread I’m not much of a fan of weddingbee anymore. The judging and nasty putdowns and the amount of people who approve of them. So gross.

Post # 90
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

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greeneyedamber :  those kind of parties aren’t done in the UK, we do hen and stag parties, probably the same thing? Not sure though :-/

showers absolutely aren’t done here 

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