(Closed) Getting married before your wedding

posted 12 years ago in Logistics
Post # 17
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am definitely not on the side with the skeptics. If this is your decision, it should be supported 100%.

My brother and sister-in-law got married in a similar fashion. They were married in July at the courthouse with just us siblings and my parents present. In December, they exchanged public vows and rings for the first time at the same site as the reception and then celebrated at the reception with the rest of their friends and family. It was beautiful, it was perfectly according to what they wanted, and they have no regrets nor was anyone "confused" nor "upset" nor "annoyed" etc. etc.

Post # 18
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Just to clarify, not sure if some of those comments were directed at me or not, but when I say I was upset with my friend, it wasn’t an "I’m no longer friends with you" kind of upset. It was more of a "how could you not tell me you’re married, and you’re crazy!" Definitely more of a joking around situation. My (or anyone’s) personality doesn’t come through the computer. And of course I was thrilled for her, and totally understood why they did it. But nobody (even her, the bride) understood why it had to be kept a secret. So I wasn’t offended that they got married, not at all. And I hope that’s not the way my comments came across because it wasn’t how I meant it. Sometimes I wish I could talk into this thing, instead of type. Haha. I completely support it when people want to go and have a private ceremony for WHATEVER reason, most people will just be much more relaxed on their wedding day that way. I wouldn’t mind getting married at the courthouse first, I pay way too much for health insurance and that would really help. Again, I’m sorry if I offended anyone, it was not my intention at all.

Post # 19
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 12 years ago

We are on the same boat….almost…

We’ve been married for 5 years…NO ONE KNOWS… 

Well, almost no one…my bff knows, she was actually the first one to know cause I wanted her to be a witness…his parents know but it took us a few months to tell them…my parents know..it took us 3 years to tell them!

We decided to keep it a secret because at the time we were 23, had no money, no finished education, no job…so I thought never would our parents approve.

Next year we are having a catholic wedding which by no means is ‘fake’..since we only had a civil and the catholic IS a new marriage (religious) and we do sign the church record…no one will be the wiser. 

Oh, and we’re not doing it for presents either…we think that now that we can stand on our own two feet our families deserve to go thru all the joy we’ve already experience as a married couple…the planning, the process, the wedding itself. 

Everybody is excited. It’s like a blank slate…and we are finally making it OFFICIAL! the best feeling in the world!  

Post # 20
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I’ll try to be brief because this seems to be a novel topic around here. I feel like you contradict yourself by wanting a small, private ceremony (because you’re private people) but then wanting to have a full scale wedding later on.  No offense, but that’s probably where the "trolling for gifts" impression comes from.  I tend to agree with Suzanno, unless you’re upfront with everyone beforehand, you’re going to upset people that feel like they’re obligated to buy you a something when you didn’t even see fit to tell them about the real wedding. 

Without a wealthy benefactor, the 6 months you have until November is not a long time to save & plan for a big wedding.  Maybe you could just host a celebration instead- that way no one is upset because they missed the "real" wedding & you don’t have to ask for gifts.  If your goal is to simply enjoy the company of your family and loved ones, a party (similar to an engagement celebration) may be a better idea.

Post # 21
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 12 years ago

I just don’t see how having a wedding is trolling for gifts???

To me is about having the big celebration everyone missed and that includes the bride and the groom. To each its own.

For that matter..why have birthday parties that DON’T fall on your exact birthday??? wouldn’t that be asking for gifts when the "real" thing happened already???

It doesn’t make sense. 

Post # 21
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Do it! I really don’t understand people who feel "offended" or "deceived" by this.   In almost EVERY country in the world besides the US there is a seperate legal ceremony and religious/friends&family ceremony later. Eva Longoria did it when she got married in france and no one felt that her church wedding was "fake."  Some times these take place the same day, sometimes the day before, and sometimes weeks or months apart.  It’s so common amongst people I know that I’m really surprised this is an issue for anyone.  And for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends.  The stuff by the state is just a legal formality.  Do what’s best for you and don’t give a second thought to nay sayers.

Post # 22
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Do it! I really don’t understand people who feel "offended" or "deceived" by this.   In almost EVERY country in the world besides the US there is a seperate legal ceremony and religious/friends&family ceremony later. Eva Longoria did it when she got married in france and no one felt that her church wedding was "fake."  Some times these take place the same day, sometimes the day before, and sometimes weeks or months apart.  It’s so common amongst people I know that I’m really surprised this is an issue for anyone.  And for many people their "real" wedding IS the one that takes place in a church, temple, etc. under the eyes of God and before their families and friends.  The stuff by the state is just a legal formality.  Do what’s best for you and don’t give a second thought to nay sayers.

Post # 23
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

You have to do it for your own reasons and it has to be special to you.  Just remember that there are those friends and family who love you dearly and want to be there on your big day to show their love and support.  They may look at your big day as the courhouse ceremony and not the November ceremony which means they could be hurt to find out that you didn’t want them to be there.  Be prepared for the fall out.

Post # 24
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I continue to puzzle over this thread. Was it ever implied that her private ceremony was going to be "secret"? It was even stated that family and friends have been consulted.

Back to the original question at hand, I say a beautiful dinner out for just the two of you at your favorite restaurant would be a beautiful way to make the day special. Don’t worry about cost and treat yourself to a bottle of wine and dessert, too. Maybe even stay at a local hotel for the evening so it all feels special and new and romantic. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant, just simple ways to set the day apart from every other day on the calendar.

Oh, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Post # 25
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 12 years ago

I also find strange that people might get offended! I don’t see why? In my experience people don’t feel we’re married because we didn’t have a wedding…not the other way around…

They felt cheated no because they weren’t present when we signed legal papers…but because there was no party!! no official announcement, no big bang…so in a way…or quiet just the two of us "signing of papers"….is "fake"…the real thing will be at the church…NEXT YEAR!

Good friends and family that loves you won’t care as long as they’re there to celebrate when YOU celebrate!

Post # 26
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I disagree. I’d be really hurt if somebody I loved and cared about got married and kept it a secret. If they wanted to get married privately (but not secretly) before their big ceremony, that’s fine. But unless there’s some huge taboo against the two ceremonies (and I don’t think there is – as others have said, tons of people do this, for religious reasons or otherwise), I’d just plain feel left out if I wasn’t told very soon after the fact. Selfish, maybe, but just MHO. I’d want to be there to share the joy and support them.

Post # 27
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I will be marrying my fiance before our actual wedding again because of immigration reasons (he’s British). We have been up front and honest with friends and family and everyone has been supportive, even several family members who I was worried would react poorly. We could have gone with just a civil ceremony but it was important to us that both of our families and most of our friends be present, and that is really not a possibilty when you only have 90 days to get married after the visa comes through!

Considering the amount of tradition surrounding weddings, it’s understandable that some people would consider this ‘fake’. However, times have changed–when my parents were married, they didn’t have the same requirements for insurance coverage, benefits, or immigration that many people today do. From what you (the OP) wrote, it seems like you are also in this boat. As one of the other posters mentioned, this is normal in some other countries–I lived in China for two years, and knew several people who were legally married but waited up to a few years after they signed the paperwork to have their celebration. Nobody that I met considered that to be weird in any way.

As for making it special, I agree, the picnic sounds like a great idea! 🙂

Post # 28
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We had two weddings because we wanted to avoid the nightmare of Italian paperwork for marrying foreigners.

We were just going to have my dad, a judge, marry us in his chambers and not think of that as the "real" wedding, but due to some twists and turns, we ended up having a little ceremony in our friends living room, with my dad officiating– though he was the only parent there.

We now think of ourselves as having two anniversaries because each day was equally meaningful an special.

We had our engagement rings (he had one two), engraved with the 1st date and our initials and put a special phrase in Italian on the wedding bands along with the second date.  I love looking at them together and thinking of out two happy days.

I would share your plans with your close friends and family and let them know that you are thrilled that they will be part of your second "real" wedding.  We had some drama with Future Mother-In-Law when we orginally told her, but in the end she understood why we wanted to make both days special.

If you like the style, you can DIY a simple birdcage veil (see Miss Cookie’s post today for info from someone that did this) to make you feel "bridey." Do get some flowers and make that bouquet the centerpiece for your post-ceremony picnic with your pooch.  Don’t forget your camera!

 

Post # 29
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

LOL– as I was hitting "Submit", I realized I’d written "he had one two" instead of "he had one TOO".  No, mr beanchar does not wear THREE rings now…. just the two bands stacked together.

Post # 30
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Mr. JCM and I did a civil ceremony………2 years in advance to the exact date of our "public" one.

It was for financial and immigration reasons to do it earlier. 

We chose not to tell anyone but our immediate families and a few very close friends because a lot of our family is very political/drama-filled. Well, and co-workers and employers because of tax forms and stuff. We wanted to keep their mouths shut about the many things they could possibly say about us regarding our age differences, especially during the time at which we got married. We didn’t want to publicly advertise that we were already married and risk having many Out of Town guests not want to come because it would take away from the seriousness and importance of it since we were already married.

Anyway, I say do what works best for you and your situation…If anyone gets upset, that really says something about somebody.

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