Getting married but mother disagrees

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3740 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Has she given you any specific reasons for why she doesn’t approve of him? 

Post # 3
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I would give your mother one chance (give her a warning ahead of time) to sit down with you alone, and state her concerns about this marriage. Your job is to listen. After that, you tell her that you will consider her advice, and now you don’t want to hear any more objections. You are going to make your own decision for your life, and if she wants to be part of it, she will need to get used to and accept your fiance.

Then you consider privately whether anything she said has merit, or if this is just her baggage, etc… If anything has merit, decide if you can live with it. 

Then move forward with your wedding & marriage plans, with those people who will be supportive. I hope your mother will come around, but if not, move forward if you feel sure. 

 

Post # 5
Member
6744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Eddie1 :  You say you’ve been together since you were 17…how old are you two now? Has she refused to get to know him this entire time? 

Post # 6
Member
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Have you discussed with your mother why she feels that way? There has to be more to this.

Post # 8
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

This is really weird behavior but you guys are old enough and have been together long enough that that’s a terrible excuse. She can’t dictate your life like that and if she decides to act that way it’s her choice not yours. You’re an adult and she needs to respect that. I wouldn’t get married unless my mom approved because I know I’ve had terrible judgement in men in the past but it would be because I trust her judgement more than mine, not because she threatened me or forbade me from it. That’s a pretty extreme reaction unless she’s someone who throws that around a lot but doesn’t follow through. Are you sure there isn’t more to it like are they different religions, ethinicities (not that this would make it better but it would explain it)? Does he have a face tattoo or something?

 

Post # 9
Member
6744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Eddie1 :  Okay this is completely strange. Why would she even refuse to get to know him after all these years? There has to be some underlying reason…

Are you an inter-faith couple? Mixed race? Same-sex? I’m just grasping at straws here to try and get why she won’t even try. 

Post # 10
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

Eddie1 :  any idea why she refuses to meet him? i agree with llevinso that it seems pretty strange that first she said she doesn’t know him, then when you created chances to meet, she refused to meet him. could you shed more light? hugs.

Post # 11
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Eddie1 :  

Question….are you used to having your life controlled by your mom because it looks to me like she has a problem with you being an adult and living your life as you choose.  Threatening to cut off a child simply because of his/her choice of mate that you refuse to even get to know, is pure manipulation.  I…don’t…do….manipulation and I’m wondering if she’s always been this way but you’ve never seen it before because this is the first time you’ve pulled away from her and done something she didn’t approve of

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Here’s the thing.  I get the sense that you’re still emotionally dependent on your mom (as a child would be) and are not exactly independent and 23 is really young to be that way and want to marry.  An independent 23 year old would at least give waaaay more push back to mom and I just don’t get that vibe from your post.  Please tell me I am wrong.  I really hope I am. 

 

That being said, you ARE an adult and you’re going to have decide whether to continue being controlled/manipulated by mom or be the adult you are and live your life as you see fit.  We can’t make that decision for you and yes, there may be consequences but that’s what adulting is.  However, if your mother truly cares for you, she’ll get over it.

Post # 12
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Going on the information you have given thus far, all being true then your Mum is being irrational and impossible.

So lets say you broke it off with your Boyfriend or Best Friend because your Mum wont have anything to do with you if you were to marry, then what is stopping her from doing that with the next guy/s. You can’t keep making choices to appease your mum. 

Only you know your relationship but if this guy is everything you want, no red flags, supportive etc then he is the one you are spending you life with so choose him. Your Mum can deal.

Post # 13
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

In your shoes I would get married, your mother has no right to put you in a position like that call her bluff and see what she does. If she truly doesn’t want anything to do with you you will be happily married 

Post # 14
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I personally wouldn’t support my daughter getting married at 23, especially if it’s one of her only relationships. 

But that doesn’t mean I would ignore the guy and refuse to get to know him. I feel like there has to be more. Did he ever say anything to her that was really hurtful or rude? Has he ever done anything to make her feel uncomfortable? That’s the only explanation I would have to leaving the room every time he’s around. 

Post # 15
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I don’t agree with the people saying ‘marry him anyway’. Family is incredibly important to me, so if my inlaws didn’t like me, or my next of kin didn’t love my partner, I’d seriously consider whether I was in the right partnership.

Assuming you have a positive relationship with your mother and she isn’t frequently a toxic person, she could have a very good reason to not like your partner. Listen to her, trust her. She may even change your mind. But if behaviour like this is common from her, you may ultimately decide to ignore her advice.

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