Post # 1
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
And when I say far, I’m not screwing around…our wedding is next year in New Zealand! It’s not a destination wedding per se. My Fiance is from New Zealand, from a huge family, and the exchange rate makes it hard for them to travel here – that is the main reason why we chose to marry there.
INew Zealand is an 18 hour flight from where most of my family/friends live (us too) – and I’m really not expecting a huge turnout but I am stunned by some of the reactions I have received. My aunt, upon hearing about our plans actually said “New Zealand just isn’t a place people go at all and I think its strange. It’s ridiculous.”
Many friends are actually annoyed – we’ll be having a small reception at home but gosh darn it, my wedding will be in New Zealand!
I get it – New Zealand is FAR. I cannot help it that I fell in love with someone who comes from a far away place. But you don’t have to come – heck, I totally get it if you can’t!! And I don’t expect a gift either way!
Those of you marrying overseas or far from home, have you gotten similar flack from people??
Post # 3
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
Do your friends feel like you’re abandoning them? They might figure that this is the end of being able to spend time with you, like you’re giving up your life for your Fiance. Marrying a man from another continent is bound to cause some of these feelings and everyone is going to expect you to travel throughout your life. To your friends, they see you having your real wedding in NZ as doing things your FI’s way and at least in your post it sounds like your reception at home is no big deal.
I would be a little upset if a close friend was having a wedding in a location I just couldn’t possibly make it to, but I think I could keep my comments in check. Even so, you might find it worthwhile to dress up your hometown reception just to include those friends who can’t make it to NZ; I know as a friend I’d appreciate that.
Post # 4
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
I know this is silly but I never thought about it that way. It was my choice to have the wedding in NZ but I can see how it may seem otherwise. I have a very small family and his is very large – it just made sense. We live here and we are intending to stay in the US for now. I guess I can understand how peeple feel, but everyone who knows me should know that it’s really wierd that I’ve actually stuck around this long – I have been talking about living overseas since I was little! And I love travel!
But I do have friends and family that have never even left the US – some who have never left New York State! I’m trying to be sensitive.
The reception here will be very nice but it has to be somewhat less than what we are doing in NZ – we’re paying for everything and we can’t afford two weddings.
Post # 5
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
By the same token, if we had the wedding here, his family/and friends would feel the same. Sigh, I just feel like no one wins.
Post # 6
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper
My cousin had her wedding in a tree in Costa Rica. It was VERY small, it was beautiful, and it was a surprise to the family. Some people are bound to make rude comments, but just forget about it. They don’t know how it sounds to you. And some people feel very upset or even insulted that you aren’t planning your wedding around them. It’s a selfish viewpoint, but some people don’t know when they are being selfish. So just ignore the comments, and try to use them to segue into your plans for your hometown reception! It won’t matter after the wedding anyway (trust me!). Good luck!
Post # 7
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
I am getting flack and we are only getting married in Florida…a measly 2 hour flight!! It’s YOUR wedding and the people that want to be there will find a way, and those who don’t, you probably don’t want them there anyway! Enjoy it and I’m sure it will be beautiful!
Post # 8
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
Where are you living after the wedding? If you’re moving away to NZ, I can say it is a very common thing for people to push others away to guard themselves from the pain of losing them. I’ve seen it everywhere from elementary school kinds when the district was changing to adults who’s friends were moving away. I agree that it’s possible that they feel you’re abandoning them and it’s (subconsciously) easier for them to make you an enemy and push you away then admit how much it hurts to be losing you. It sucks, I’ve dealt with and witnessed things like this so many times, and I’m sorry. Maybe just make it clear that even though you’re having the wedding so far away, you really DO want them there and care about them and all.
Post # 9
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
I could see people maybe giving you some crap if you just randomly chose to get married in NZ, but the fact that your Fiance is from there, and your parents AREN’T paying for the wedding, makes me decide that these naysayers are just being rude and insensitive!
Post # 10
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
@<span style=”color: #81a026; font-size: x-small;”>mskalinin frankly, I have been in your camp this whole time. I mean, he’s from NZ, that’s where his entire family lives – I didn’t just randomly pick the most far off place imaginable to upset people and this is how some people are acting.
But I do see everyone’s point and I’m glad I posted this – <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>melodicsighs – we aren’t planning to move to NZ but at one point, we were thinking about it, so that might be what people are reacting to. I guess its hard for me to believe anyone really cares that much about my wedding – I won’t go into my upbringing as I posted about it before and don’t want to bore you guys – but I pretty much raised myself so I have a hard time realizing how much people to care.
I will say that a suprising number of people are saying they want to come (one friend is even planning her honeymoon around our wedding!) but the naysayers have been pretty harsh.
@MightySapphire, a tree in Costa Rica would have been so up my alley!!
@WDWBride – For me, Florida is like going around the corner! Tell ’em about the 18 hour flight to NZ if the snark!
Post # 11
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
Hang in there. We decided to Elope in Costa Rica. After the shock of the family a. not being invited and b. it being far way. They warmed up and started being supportive.
Post # 12
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
ohh another costa rica wedding!!! i’d love to be invited to one of those!!
to me, a far away wedding is an excuse to travel and i guess i am suprised more people don’t see it this way – i know NZ is far and its not a cheap trip at all but i did think people would be saying things like “oooh I wish I could come, but sorry – too $$ of can’t get the time off work, but have a great time!” rather than things like ” New Zealand is a ridiculous place to get married!”
Post # 13
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
The way I see it, this is what’s most tough about weddings — you know, balancing what you want (you already being 2 people, the couple) along with everyone who wants to celebrate with you. So maybe people say, “it’s your day, do what you want” but there really is a balance with that because your day is going to include other people.
I think the reason I responded the way I did initially was because there were so many people who didn’t even bother to attend my wedding, but if they’d shown any kind of interest or comment it would have felt better. Yeah, even if people were saying they didn’t have any interest in coming to Kentucky (maybe in NJ you know how east coast people are about the middle of the country!). If I’d done what I want, I would have gotten married on Friday morning at City Hall with my parents and IL’s and then had a fancy lunch.
Post # 14
Member
888 posts
Busy bee
mary-alice-me – yes, to me, the wedding is not about us – it’s mostly about FI’s family who I have to say – are a great bunch of people. for the record, i dated a guy from kentucky years ago and i’d love to go there!
I get what you are saying about people too – people in the NYC area tend to think NY and the east coast the end all and be all of everything and i am sick of it – it is small minded.
I guess that is more my problem – where we live is not the only place to live. My aunt – the one who made the “NZ is ridiculous” was going on about how she was nervous to visit her daughter who now lives in Texas because “people there get married at 21!” and “I can’t see why she wants to live in a place most people would be lucky to get out of” – really? How the heck does she know? I personally have been a city mouse all my life and would love to live in a rural community!
Different cultures are what make the world an exciting place. I told my aunt “If I can get along with people who live at the other end of the globe, then I think you should be able to handle Texas”. Geez!
Post # 15
Member
15 posts
Newbee
WDWBride – I’m in the same boat. My Future Mother-In-Law has given us a lot of grief for getting married in FL rather than MD, where we live. My parents aren’t local anymore, and about 75% of our guest list are out of town guests. So we decided to choose a fun place that was inexpensive for our guests to travel, but from the moment we decided to do a destination wedding, she’s been whining (behind our backs) about it. I hear about it from my Future Sister-In-Law or Future Father-In-Law that she’s upset or wishing that it could be at home, even though they aren’t paying for any part of the wedding. She’s even made it a point to tell my Future Sister-In-Law that when she gets married, it has to be in MD, even though she wants it to be where she grew up in OH. It’s been so frustrating that someone that both the Fiance and I love is being so passive aggressive and unsupportive about our big day.
That being said, wildstyle, I think it’s awesome you are having your wedding in NZ!! If we could afford it, I would have wanted to get married abroad. It’s totally frustrating and rude that your aunt and any other family members would criticize your wedding choices. I think it’s a great thing you are doing by including your FI’s family in your wedding in such a big way.
I hope things die down for you as you continue planning. It’s tough to just let those comments go, but just be confident that you are doing what’s best for you and your Fiance on your big day 🙂
Post # 16
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
wildstyle — wow, I feel like we’re in such a similar situation! We’re getting married in Malaysia since its next to impossible for his family to get visas here, and it would be expensive, etc etc. We haven’t caught much flak about it, I mean we’ve gotten a few comments like, “a 22 hour plane ride! thats so far!” and yes, it is far. So, there are people who won’t be there. I’m (so far) totally ok with that. The most important ones will come along.
I am actually having the opposite problem of some not-so close friends who heard about it, assume they are invited and invite themselves and their bf/gf, just because our wedding is a “great excuse” to travel. I personally don’t want to have to worry about food, hotel, and transportation for some people who will only be marginally interested in my wedding, but I can’t figure out how to say, erm, you’re not invited.
