(Closed) Getting married far away and bad reactions – can anyone relate?

posted 12 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 17
Member
1741 posts
Bumble bee

We are in a similar situation but recieving less flack. My Fiance is German, we currently live in Germany but are getting married in the US due to the exchange rate and the fact that we live here so I don’t get to spend much time with my family and friends. Either way, we knew what we were getting into and made sure to have a long engagement to allow people to save $$ and prepare to make the trip if they so chose, knowing it will be an expense. Luckily for us, his parents were on board along with his God parents and several of his friends. We also had an engagement party here where we gave everyone 2 years notice of the wedding. Now we are one year out and Fiance has started getting confirmations from friends who will travel but others have declined. We are, of course, encouraging people to make a vacation out of it and helping to source reasonably priced hotels and we have the exchange rate in our favor. I think people just need some time to think about it and realize why you made the decision you did. We did our enagagement party in his parents back yard under a tent with catering from a local Italian restaurant, ber and wine for 50 people it cost us about $2,000 but we won’t have a “home town” reception after the long distance wedding so it was nice to celebrate with those who won’t be able to travel for whatever reason, (grand parents friends with new babies, etc.). Hopefully your guests will come around with a bit of time and decide to make a vacation out of it.

Post # 18
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2021 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

Sorry to hear about the comments you’re getting – you can never make everyone happy.  The “NZ isn’t even a place people go” comment is absurd, as you probably know.  NZ is, um, AMAZING!  Ultimately, it comes down to the two of you & where YOU want to get married.  I think it’s wonderful that you’re getting married in NZ.  Having the small reception at home when you get back is a great idea for those who can’t travel to be with you.  It sounds like you completely understand that that is going to happen – good for you! 

Post # 19
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!  NZ looks AMAZING and anyone I know that has gone there aches to go back at some point.  I also think it’s wonderful that your friend is planning her honeymoon around the same time – I would have done the same thing!  I think you need to just come on WB and vent when people give you trouble about your wedding, and just keep on trucking.  Be polite but don’t waver, and know that you’re doing what’s best for you and your fiance. 

Personally, since most of my friends don’t live near me, all weddings are destination weddings to me.  And I would rather travel to NZ for a really rockin’ wedding and a once in a lifetime opportunity than the middle of nowhere hometown of a girlfriend.  Just sayin’!  I have my own hometown, but I wouldn’t say it’s an interesting destination ๐Ÿ™‚ We are getting married in Jamaica, and I’ve gotten my share of flak for it.  But I consistently say that it’s a special location for us, and that I hope they can come.  But that’s it – I have no hard feelings for those who can’t make the journey, and hope to see them closer to home @ some festivites.

Post # 20
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I have gotten A TON of flack for having my wedding in Colorado (most of my Family is in PA)! My situation is similar to yours, his family is much larger, and mine seem to have a little more money to throw around on flights.

Unfortunately, I’ve only got a 13 guest turn out at this point from my side and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, like I’m missing out and won’t know a lot of people at my own wedding ๐Ÿ™ Everything that goes wrong, and every person who can’t make it, somehow it’s my fault for wanting to have it in Colorado. It’s been five months, it’s like get over it already!

It really upsets me at times, especially because its 30 days to go and now my sister/MOH might have to drop out because she can’t travel with her new baby. My dad of course blames me for the CO thing again! I feel like everyone hates me.

Post # 21
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

and oh yeah, duh, his family is mostly in CO

Post # 23
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

Hang in there. You cant please everyone.  Accept their anger, bc it is understandable, but those who truly care and love you will accept that you chose to have your wedding in New Zealand and they will make the effort to be with you on your special day!

Post # 24
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I think there’s also another aspect: traditionally, the bride’s side pays for it and hosts it in the bride’s hometown. So although they may not even realize it, a lot of the bride’s friends and families feel sort of “entitled” to having the wedding be convenient to them.

They probably haven’t thought it through. It’s just a prejudice I’ve encountered, and I wonder if you all may be encountering it too.

Post # 25
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Glad to hear things got sorta out, but unfortunate that you had to deal with the drama.

We had naysayers too, with some people upset because it should be on “their” turf instead.
Sure, it’s a long flight, but hey, I’m uprooting and moving to be with him.

Sometimes I just wished people would give a little thought to the challenges faced by transnational/continental couples….

 

Post # 26
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

We got married at home and didn’t have this problem, but my brother got married on the Carribean island where he lives now (kicking myself for picking the wrong profession!), and he got major flak about air fare, etc. Even OUR PARENTS were complaining about it every time I talked to them.

It culminated with him calling me one night really upset about their attitude…it was bad to have other people making comments, but coming from our parents it was really hurting him, and he was reconsidering the location of the wedding. I talked to my parents about the horrible effect their words were having, but it didn’t do much good. The wedding was held on the island and they did come (in their words, they “had no choice but to spend thousands of dollars”), and actually had a great time. I still don’t understand how people can be so self-centered when it comes to weddings…it wasn’t normal behaviour for them at all and I felt so sorry for my brother and his wife.

Post # 27
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow! i feel more strength after reading all these posts- I am not alone!!! i just joined today, and obviously should have a looong time ago! ๐Ÿ™‚

I have had a very international upbringing, and he is from Canada. We have set the “date” to next summer, but havent even been able to settle on a location yet. I have family and friends in Asia and Europe (more so than in North America) and he has family and freids predominantly in Canada. We are trying to choose on a destination that is practical, i.e. somehwere in the middle, so our deraest friends and family can have the best possible chance of attending. But everytime we think of a place, my family gets upset as its not right in their backyaerd! To be fair, my parents are diplomats and do not live in their own home country anyway. (Not to mention they or I havent lived there for about 20 years!) I do not understand this sudden return-to-roots attitude and my parents unhappiness at my decisions is taking a real turn on my happiness in planning the wedding.

Should I just shrug off their disapproval and do it our way (me and fiancee)? or should I succumb to their demands which i find unrealistic, impractical and selfish?

Post # 28
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

fianceenishi: i think the entitlement to the bride s side of the family having the weedding on their turf is part of the cause for my family s distress too. But at the end of the day, i feel like its ruining this experience for me that is supposed ot be amazing and happy.i love them, however i do feel they are being a little too interfering.

Thanks god for my wondeful and supportive fiancee through this madnes! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 29
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

oh, yeah, did i have this problem!

my fiance is english, but lives in nova scotia, canada. i’m from east coast, USA. we wanted to get married not in my hometown, for reasons i won’t go into.

so first we tried to see if people would come to nova scotia. NO, people would NOT come to nova scotia. my best friend actually campaigned for me to get married in Toronto — totally randomly, i’ve never even been to Toronto before, and it’s not my Number One fantasy vacation spot- –because she and her family could drive there from Pennsylvania. (Wait? Toronto? In fall or winter? Because you — and not any other guest or family member — could drive there? Wait, what?)

after getting all sorts of negativity and bad vibes and unpleasantness about Nova Scotia, we decided to get married on a Caribbean island. a place we’ve always wanted to go. a combined wedding and honeymoon, really.

and then the REAL moaning and complaining started. it was unreal. people were often downright nasty about it. (Okay, so don’t come!)

in the end, i ended up renting accommodations for a large number of the guests, as a way to get anyone to turn up. we have a good crowd coming, and i’m happy about it all now.

Post # 30
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow, that sucks – you have a completely legit reason for doing it in NZ, so I’m surprised at some of the comments.  ๐Ÿ™

We’ve gotten a little flack from his family about having the wedding in Virginia, since they’re all in California.  However, there are 8 of them and about 50 other guests (including my family), all of whom are on the east coast.  Plus Fiance has been living here since 1997 and I’ve been here since 2001, so DC is our home.  Tough noogies to people who don’t like it! 

Post # 31
Member
39 posts
Newbee

wildstyle, have you thought aboutr having two weddings?  It might be that your friends and family in the US are disappointed that they won’t get to see you say your vows.  You could do a second informal “vow recital” at your US reception, wear your dress again, and maybe make your guests happy. (I’m not suggesting you spend extra money on another “real” wedding, just maybe add some of the wedding ceremony to your reception.)

My fiance and I are getting married in Florida, and our family all lives in Ohio/Kentucky.  We haven’t heard any complaining yet, but we haven’t sent out the STDs either.

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