Post # 76
Oooh, that’s a WHOLE other discussion that can also get quite contentious. Again, as long as you consent to what your SO calls you (some “waiting” bees do complain that their partners call them “wife” prematurely and it feels like they’re being taunted—that is definitely not okay), I couldn’t give less of a fuck. Outside of legal classifications, words are just words. They have different significances depending on their historical development. The root of “wife” just means “woman” in Old English (pairs with “were”, meaning man, as in “were
wolf”—maybe I’ll call my partner my “Were” in public and see how people react, lol). “Husband” means “head of the household”, but how many modern day husbands actually fulfill that role in Western society? Does that somehow detract from the word’s substance?
(sorry for the lecture—my dad is a linguist, lol)
Meanings evolve. Nowadays we take the title of husband and wife to signify the level of emotional and legal commitment a couple has for each other, and the law uses those terms by default. But in my opinion, a couple who is not married using that terminology of their own free will doesn’t subtract from the rights of couples who have the ability to take advantage of the legal benefits of marriage. I mean, back before marriage equality was recognized federally I sure as hell wouldn’t have “corrected” a gay couple who referred to each other that way just because my government didn’t acknowledge the depth of their relationship (ditto a poly throuple nowadays). Everyone should have the right to name the person (or people) of their choice as next of kin, to take their name if they so choose, to share property, insurance, custody of their children, and to make medical decisions for them if the need arises—but the words they use to refer to that person are their affair.
Post # 77
Actually, I personally don’t care how many ceremonies a particular couple has had before the one they choose to include me in, regardless of whether they “hide” it from me or anyone else. If I love you and the viral climate allows it, I’m showing up. It wouldn’t occur to me to ask, “So, just so I know….is this the first time y’all are doing this?” when planning my trip, and if I found out later that the ceremony I’d been to had been an encore, for whatever reason, I WOULD NOT CARE. Just want to make that crystal clear.
The only reason I suggested OP be transparent in this situation is that a.) it’s what she wants to do, and b.) being open with relatives is often less of a hassle than maintaining a front, and her fiance seems primarily concerned with keeping a lid on drama. This advice of course depends on the relatives, though, and OP would know more about that than I would (or anyone else, for that matter).
Post # 78
When you mentioned “crossing the fucking line”, your reply to me gave the impression that you would care and felt strongly about it contrary from your last reply above that “I would not care.” That’s why I responded to you how I did. Anyway, I’m sure OP has heard from many of us already with different points and probably even stuff that didn’t even cross her mind when writing her original post. It’s up to her to weigh in and decide. She just needs to look at her situation closer and calculate the pros and cons and see what would be best.