Getting married in 3 weeks and he found out about the past. Please help!

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Why are you marrying this guy?

You did nothing wrong. You were broken up. He is being abusive for punishing you for these things. 

Post # 3
Member
4788 posts
Honey bee

This relationship is a dumpster fire. Why do you want to marry him?

Post # 4
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The whole situation sounds toxic. Things will never change this is your relationship. I wouldn’t want to be with him becaus nothing about your relationship sound worthy of saving to me. You are sad about the time wasted.

if you marry this guy,you guys are going to break up and get back together for the rest of your lives.

Post # 5
Member
10815 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
Brenda92 :  

This  sounds  awful OP. Your history with him is awful , the way he  behaves is  awful. Why you told him is a mystery , but that ship has sailed, I suspect he asked you knowing the  answer  and intending to make you  feel bad.

This is madness  I’m hoping god takes the wheel and his anger just so happens to subside before our big day comes. and I supect you know it. It is as if you feel you have no control and  no rights and and must just go along  with whatever happens to you

 a love that is on FireI don’t think so, except in the worst way. No one can stop  you masochistically  heading into this, but I sure as  as hell wish you weren’t taking a little child into it.  

 

Post # 6
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This sounds like a disaster. Three years ago you broke up and slept with someone, not a big deal. He has nothing to be mad about. It was three years ago, you weren’t together. When did he cheat on you yo spite you? I mean it’s semi irrelevant.

You shouldn’t have told him. You were broken up it isn’t his business but you did. So tell him, “look it was three years ago we were broken up. I will not tolerate being treated like this. I am not a slut nor have I ever been and treating the woman that you love more than anything in the world this way is unacceptable. If you can’t handle the fact I slept with someone three years ago when we were not together and cannot treat me with love and respect than we need to end things. But I did nothing wrong and will not let you bad mouth me.” 

I would have given him the ring the first time he said slut, excuse me, I’m your future wife and you won’t talk to me like that. 

This is absurd. I get you have a baby but this man is childish and you could find better. 

Him treating you this way is not love! 

Post # 7
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

Idk man. Seems kind of shady & unhealthy to run & jump on the first dick you see just because you’re broken up. I don’t get why ppl do that. AND it was a friend of his? You were intentionally trying to hurt him. Yea it’s fine to bang who you want, but maybe wait till you’re stable & thinking clearly next time. 

Post # 8
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to be angry when he asked you to ‘be open’. He’s shown you who he really is many times over now. While you may have some good times ahead if you stay with him, these bad times will always come back again. Is that really what you want for yourself and your child?

Post # 9
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

As mean and nasty as he’s being rn, i don’t blame him for revenge sexing some chick… his feelings were hurt. 

Post # 10
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

Wow he’s showing you his true colours right now, if he hadn’t already. I’d use this behaviour as a reason to really look at your relationship before you take this huge step and legal commitment. You say he has acted like an asshole multiple times and it has lead you to break up. Do you want this uncertainty for your future? It sounds like he hasn’t changed much at all. 

Post # 11
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Wait wait WAIT

You hooked up with a guy when you were broken up

He’s angry at you for having had sex with another guy WHEN YOU WERE SINGLE–do you not see this is possessive, controlling behavior?

He would get drunk and leave you all the time

He has a history of inconsolable anger

He cheated on exeS-plural

He thinks it’s ok that he cheated on exeS because he never cheated on you

You’ve broken up a number of times

He keeps calling you a slut (for sleeping with someone else when you were broken up, and he himself has cheated on exes)– it’s never ok for a man to call you a slut but this is hypocrisy on top of misogyny

He thinks it’s ok that he cheated on exes because he would never cheat on you

He is inconsolably angry because you hooked up with a guy while you were broken up (and it’s ok that he’s cheated on exeS– PLURAL because he’s never cheated on you– but somehow it’s not ok that you slept with someone else while broken up) 

He blames you when you’ve done nothing wrong–and you’re letting him make you believe you are to blame and you were “weak”

I cannot believe what I am reading. I am incredulous. I can’t be reading this right. Even if you had cheated with a million other men, you wouldn’t deserve this treatment. 

Do you realize this man is a hypocrite, misogynist, cheater, drunk, emotional and verbal abuser with anger management problems and zero self awareness? He is the pot calling the white kettle black.

You want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Do you intend to have children with him? Do you not see 5 million red flags? Has he ever hit you? You understand that domestic violence perpetrators usually aren’t physically abusive from the start? The physical abuse sometimes starts with a triggering event, such as perceived infidelity, pregnancy, or loss of job.

The perfect dress, wedding don’t matter if you’re tying yourself to a lifetime of abuse. What you have isn’t love. The lows are so low that anything remotely normal seems like a high in comparison.

It is very concerning that you keep going back to this guy, and you’re letting him get into your head. You need therapy and/or domestic violence for victims counseling. Abuse can be mental, emotional, verbal, financial– it’s not just physical.

You can cry and vent and move on with your life, and live like a normal human being. Or you can marry this guy in your “perfect” dress and be back on these boards when the abuse starts again and he manages to convince you that you are the villian. That would be the best case scenario. Worst case scenario is he ends up killing you. 

You need to leave, Bee. If not for yourself, for any children you might have. If his behavior escalates, and you do have kids with him, they’re going to end up in foster care pretty fast. First they’ll be traumatized from seeing the way daddy treats mommy, then they’ll get retraumatized each time they get bounced from foster home to foster home because no one can handle their tantrums and bed wetting and fighting.

Stop wasting your time on a wedding planning board. Start packing and cancelling vendors. Stay with someone you can trust. Don’t spend any time alone with him. Break the news to him in a public place.

Post # 12
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
beepboopbop :  so every time she hurts his feelings he can go shag someone else? She doesn’t get him the Christmas present he wanted, great he can go bang another woman?!?! She doesn’t say it was his friend, she says he knew who this guy was from going to her friends. Plus they were broken up because he was a man-child and she bang whoever she wants, without your judgement or his.

View original reply
Brenda92 :  I don’t believe relationships should break up multiple times and still be healthy. However, I’ve been in a relationship like that, though thankfully nowhere near as long. It gets addictive and your comment about your love being “fire” makes me think you have the highest of highs and then the lowest of lows. This is what the relationship will always be like. You’ll be soaring when you’re in a good place but the low will come back. The lows will probably get lower to make the high points even better. Is this what you want? Forever? Is that the model of love you want your children to see and have in their future? You have a chance now to stop this relationship permanently. He’s cheated on you just before you are about to get married. You need to be strong, want more for yourself and your kids. Not all relationships are like this. Some relationships will lift you up rather than dragging you along and kicking you.

Post # 13
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Image result for we were on a break gif

Post # 14
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
beepboopbop :  Seriously? This is the advice you are giving? That’s disgusting, and it really calls your own character into question. 

Post # 15
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
Brenda92 :  So basically, he keeps ditching you, you try to move on with your life and being single, have sex with other people (which is what single people do). It wasn’t any of his business, but you told him about it. He has zero right to be angry with you. If he didn’t want you to be dating or sleeping with other people he could have worked on the relationship instead of taking off. The name calling is absolutely abusive, and cheating with other women for ‘revenge’ over what you did while single when HE LEFT? That is the grossest, most bullshit thing ever. I am seething with anger for you. How DARE this piece of shit treat you like this? 

In a perfect world, you will snap out of whatever dream you are in, leave him and take your children, and heal. You’ll rise out of the dumpster fire that is your relationship like a pheonix, and become a better version of you than you could have ever been while entwined with this loser. And when that happens you will meet someone who treats you well and you never have to go through this kind of disaster again. 

But, unfortunately what will probably happen is that you will beg him back, he will come back once he feels he has ‘punished you enough’, you’ll marry him, and the rest of your married life he will be calling you names and cheating on you every time you dare to anger him. Possibly he will escalate to physical abuse. And you’ll either take it or you’ll divorce, but one thing is for sure – you will never, EVER be truly happy with this man. Ever. 

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