Getting married in 3 weeks and he found out about the past. Please help!

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
10695 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beepboopbop :  

WTAF are you gassing about now?  That there is some rational justification for abuse?

You’re sounding more whacked than usual today.  Thank gawd no one takes anything you post seriously.

You sure sound like a bitter, divorced male.

Post # 47
Member
10695 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Brenda92 :  

Bee, the cheating vs not cheating argument is nothing but a red herring.  It’s irrelevant.  Drop it.  Now.

Cheating is not the issue here.  The problem that you have is that you are about to marry an abuser.

You have an innocent little hostage who will think that this type of toxic, crazy relationship is normal.  Your baby will grow up to accept all of the blame.  And seek out exactly the same kind of relationship.  Is this what you want for your child?

You’re fantasizing that this guy will get better after marriage? He will get worse. He will have you really, officially, totally, 100% locked down.  He can really show you what he is.

Abuse escalates.  This has nothing to do with anger problems. Abuse is about power and control.

Of course you are crazy in love with him and don’t want to lose him.  Are you familiar with Stockholm Syndrome?  Please read The Betrayal Bond, by Dr Patrick J Carnes, and Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft.

If you won’t end it for yourself, do it for the sake of your baby.  Or, consider sending the poor child to live with sane relatives. 

Post # 48
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

So you grew up with an abusive father. So did I. And you said that your father changed…doubt it. More likely his victims grew up or became less tolerant of being victimized. My dad mellowed out but I guarantee that if he was in the same position he was years ago he would probably react the same way. 

Growing up with abuse gives you a warped idea of love, I know. I ended up in several abusive relationships and my self-esteem was in the toilet. It’s really hard to get past that. 

But you have more than yourself to consider, you have your child. You are about to put your child through what you went through growing up, exposing her to abuse and messing with her self-esteem and concept of love for the rest of her life…all because you love this man who abuses you. Who screams at you. Who ditches you when it’s convenient for him. Who threatens you with cheating on you because he’s pissed. Yeah, what a prince. 

You had no power to get away from abuse when you were young but you certainly have it now. If you marry him you are CHOOSING abuse not only for you but also for your daughter. You are CHOOSING to mess up her life so you can keep this horrible man in your life. I don’t care if he’s not horrible all the time – abusers are NEVER horrible all the time, otherwise no one would ever stay. Every day you expose your daughter to this is a day you are CHOOSING to ruin her life. YOUR CHOICE. So when she gets older and has to go to therapy, if he decides to abuse her, if she ends up in abusive relationships herself, if she has no self-esteem, you have to know that you were too weak and too unloving of a mother to keep her safe. I wouldn’t want to live with that. 

Post # 49
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Are you really looking for help or advice?

This to me is a classic case of domestic violence.  The cyclical good and bads the controling, name calling, tit for tats.  Every relationship has good and bad times, but you should not have that bad of times.

 

My advise and the advise we were given during the 40 hour domestic violence training I took: Make a plan to leave.  Don’t tell anyone your plan. Pack your child a bag and pack yourself a bag and leave.  If you don’t know where to go, go to an emergency room. Set a time and leave. You will be able to recover. People will be their to help you.  Reach out to these people- https://www.thehotline.org/help/ 1-800-799-7233

Post # 50
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

beepboopbop :  ah damn, you go around having sex with other people whenever your SO hurts your feelings? Wow, people really have different coping mechanisms. I love to learn!

OP: Girl. Come on. Come on. COME ON. How

are

you

to

blame

here????????

 

Post # 51
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Country/barn

Brenda92 :  and you really want to marry this guy? Spend forever on this emotional roller coaster? Spend forever with this abuse? Marriage isn’t going to change the way he treats you. It’s not going to “fix” anything. I think you need to seriously reconsider legally tying yourself to this guy. It sounds scary. 

Post # 52
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee

Yikes!!!! Why do you want to be with this loser? I don’t care what “good” qualities he has, they will never outweigh what you wrote here!!! Stop teaching your child that this is ok, and get out of there ASAP!!!

Post # 53
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Brenda92 :  You need to take responsibility for your own actions and decisions, especially now that there is a child involved. I know what it’s like to grow up in an abusive situation. I know that it makes dating difficult (that’s why I couldn’t even bring myself to date until I was 26. I had my first date and boyfriend at 26, and my first kiss at 25 with a stranger while drunk). I’m now happily married in a healthy relationship, because I took ownership of my life and didn’t let my past be a crutch or define me.

But you can’t allow yourself to use that as an excuse to live in misery and subject your child to misery. You are an adult. You are able to change your life. Leave this toxic relationship that is full of emotional and verbal abuse. Leave this man who has cheated on all of his girlfriends prior to you (which despite what he says, if that’s been his MO – I would bet he’s also cheated on you).

Post # 54
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

I’d thank my lucky stars he brought this up. DUMP!!! It’s not too late… do not marry this person. 

Post # 55
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Did I just channel myself into the realm of Honeybooboo? 

For both your sakes, call off the wedding. 

If you do end up marrying each other, save some of your gift money for the divorce. 

This relationship is TOXIC!

Post # 56
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- It sounds like you do not have a relationship that is strong or healthy enough to withstand honest discussion, so attempting it 3 weeks before your wedding was hella foolish on both your parts. (It sounds like you brought up the topic, so maybe, subconsciously, you were looking for an out before this wedding took place). You and your SO are both too wounded to be in healthy relationship with each other and your wounds and traumas are likely triggering one others’. It sounds like both of you are dealing with a variety of your own traumas and you are bringing them to this relationship and it would take a lot of therapy and personal growth and healing to make it work. But he’s too busy calling you names and blowing up at you about doing the same shit he’s done for years.

None of that really matters, though, because you are a mother now and if you continue to subject your child to this madness, then you are being a bad mother. How much you love someone no longer gets to be the priority when you make a new person. Your responsibility is to them and their safety and well being. Right now, your child’s safety and well being aren’t served by this relationship.

I think you need to cancel the wedding and stop trying to make this relationship work. You don’t have the amount of time or space required to fix it. Because your child shouldn’t have to be sacrificed because her mother is focused on keeping her fucked up father around.

Post # 57
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry bee. Maybe you needed to vent and everyone in Your life has also already told you to leave him so you came on here And we are telling you to leave him too. But you won’t so it doesn’t matter what you reply with or what we tell you because you want to marry this man. 

It doesn’t matter what you say about him because you put him out to be horrible. Only you live you life idk what you were expecting people to say. Stay strong and try not to get divorced is my advice then. 

Post # 58
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

Run ! Just Run !! 

Post # 59
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Not to side with my brother Ross, but… You were on a break! 

OP, no offense but your partner sounds like a douche.

Post # 60
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

This love is on fire, all right.

A big ol’ dumpster fire. 

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