(Closed) Getting married in two months and think fiancé is gay or bi

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Gay or straight (and I would guess gay tbh), I’m more concerned about the craigslist hookups.  

Yipeebee:  I legitimately would like to know what you think is homophobic about theese replies.  I don’t think it’s homophobic to call someone gay when the signs point that way. Homophobia would be saying “ew he’s gay! That’s disgusting!” which I don’t see here.  I see “ew you’re engaged and he’s looking for craigslist hookups!  That’s disgusting!”

Post # 32
54 posts
Worker bee


Post # 33
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016 - Madame CJ Walker Building

You already have your answer and appear to need confirmation. But you dont need confirmation from anyone….Again you already have your answer…..Good luck to you and your family.

Post # 34
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Sorry bee…I would run fast. Sounds like there are irrevocable differences. The craiglist thing would be my last straw.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  mrsblueeyes.
Post # 35
1291 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

I am a bi female and I like watching male on male gay porn. It has yet to make me a man or a gay man. If he doesn’t satisfy you and you are unhappy, it doesn’t really matter what the reason is, gay or not. If you’re unhappy, then leave.

Post # 36
204 posts
Helper bee

To me, the unsatisfying love life and incompatibility in the bedroom would be a deal breaker. Everything else can be assumptions or explained. Leave him and find someone you are more compatible with. It’s not all about sex, but without sex you’re just friends. It’s important you’re both on the same page when it comes to pleasing each other, and he’s finding ways to “release” without trying to fix the situation with you. 

Post # 37
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I sounds like he’s probably gay (not from the individual instances, but from the collection of events), but at the very least he’s not compatible with you and you should not marry him. 

Post # 38
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Post # 39
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

None of us can say if he is gay, bi, straight or any combination of these.  If you truly love him get professional help. If he is confused about his orientation then he needs help understanding himself. 

ETA:  I watch male on male porn and gangbang porn pretty exclusively. If that was the only thing you reed about me what would you classify me as?  

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  msmistis.
Post # 40
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

msmistis:  Its not just about the porn though. Thats one little piece of it that means nothing by itself, but when paired with everything else is in the OP its another tally in the gay column.

Post # 41
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Gay porn =/= Gay. Lots of women watch lesbian porn, but aren’t lesbian, why is it suddenly different for guys?

That being said, I would NOT tolerate someone trolling around for hookups on the net. Gay straight or bi, not acceptable.

Post # 42
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Cherry Orchard

Straight, Gay, bi, pansexual, asexual–who cares! The craigslist ads. NO.

Post # 43
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This post smells like TROLL

Post # 44
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well in all fairness, the hookup ads on Craigslist can be super entertaining. My girlfriends and I like to sit around and read them during girls night with a bottle of wine and laugh our asses off! We are certainly not looking for hookups for ourselves. 😉 That being said, none of us sit around on our own and read them so that would lead me to believe he’s probably seeking out a hookup.

I don’t know any straight men than enjoy gay porn. I’m sure it sounds hypocritical because lots of women look at female/female porn and are not gay. However, I just feel like it’s different for guys. I think overall even if he isn’t gay/bi you’re not happy in the relationship and that enough would make me leave.

Post # 45
32 posts

I’m not sure why all the accusations of trolling, so I will just assume your story is real.  You’ve already got tons of replies, with everyone agreeing that your guy is bi or gay.  I’m just replying because I have a slightly different perspective.  

I found out after 14 yrs of being with a man that he was bi/gay (he won’t tell me which, I’m not sure if he himself knows). We are now divorcing. Believe me, you’re lucky to have these (very obvious) signs.  I had absolutely no idea and was completely blindsided.  You’re given the gift of knowledge – don’t turn a blind eye and go on with life.  Being bi I don’t think would be a dealbreaker (in fact, I stuck around for a while after I found out, trying to figure out whether it was something we could incorporate into our lives), but your awful sex life and his Craigslist shenanigans tell me that there isn’t much hope.  And don’t just think about whether you can live with it right now – what about down the road?  What if he decides 5 or 10 or 20 years from now that he wants to be out of the closet or be with a man instead?  This “what if” scenario was one of the reasons I couldn’t take the risk of continuing with the marriage, having kids together, etc. And he himself admitted that he didn’t think it would work out in the end.  I think that if your guy has never really explored or accepted his sexuality, then it’s something that would always compromise your relationship.  Maybe a guy who was comfortably bi, could make a straight relationship work, but someone who is closeted, no way. And even notwithstanding all of this, the way you’ve written your post doesn’t sound like your relationship has many redeeming qualities that should make you believe that this is something you can work through and end up in a committed, healthy relationship.  

As for the part about intimacy – My ex and I had a decently good sex life until our relationship began to break down after 12 yrs. Nothing ever made me question his sexual attraction to me (eg, he did go down on me, and sometimes even came during).  He did always show an interest in my butt and called himself an ass man, but we never even did anal or anything like that and he never pushed it that much.  The things you’ve described about your sex life make him sound gay not bi, but I could be wrong.  The distinction between gay and bi shouldn’t be the deciding factor anyway, but rather the overall quality of your relationship and its potential to be healthy and fulfilling long term.

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