Getting married in two months and think fiancé is gay or bi

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 46
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

The real question is whether you are sexually compatable. If not, I would count my losses and move on.

Post # 47
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee

Not only is he looking at hookups on Craigslist, he is looking for MALE hookups. A man looking for male hookups may very well have a questionable heterosexual orientation, aside from what appears to be an ass fetish. 

Forget the sexual orientation question for a moment and examine his character. 1) he is looking for hookups online. Period. Whether he ever plans to make good on the searches or not…the activity in and of itself is alarming. If this was just a perusal of Craigslist missed connections…different story. 2) you have discussed (I am betting more than once) your sexual dissatisfaction and he has not made a single effort to rectify it. Not ok.

Were it me, I’d cancel the wedding. These types of concerns are too big for me to feel truly comfortable in making a long term legal commitment…or one that involves my life and heart.

Post # 48
Member
2785 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Closet gay looking for a beard to parade in front of his family that would be oh so upset if they knew. 

Post # 49
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I have a friend who caught her ex looking at m4m listings on Craigslist. They ended up staying together, but he came out to her as bi at that point in time. They were young and in college, and I honestly don’t think he’d realized he was attracted to men as well as women until they were already dating, and he didn’t know how to tell her a year+ into the relationship. I’m not sure if he was serious about hooking up with someone on the side, or if he was just curious, or if he was hoping to get caught and “out” himself to her. 

They broke up over other issues months after that incident, he dated men and women, and now he’s happily engaged to a woman (not that any of that matters; but I guess I don’t see the point some seem to be making that if your SO is bi, he cannot be monogamous with a woman if he chose to marry one). We can’t tell you if your fiancee is gay, but if you feel like something within the relationship is off, then you need to trust that gut feeling and get the situation sorted out. Do you think couples therapy could help? 

Post # 50
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee

I like looking at women but I have no interest in a relationship with one… (In all honesty I just like men more and I like the convenience of a penis and wanted the relative ease of having my own children with a man.)

My point is, you can like to *look* at something but not want to actually engage with it… Maybe he is really just looking and it’s competently innocent. As long as he is genuinely happy with his partner there’s no cause for concern just from having a different interest… 

On the other hand, the sexual incompatibility would be a deal breaker for me. I’m uncomfortable with certain things in the bedroom and if that’s all my partner wanted to do and they didn’t actually try to fulfil my needs, I’d be very unsatisfied and hurt and would likely end the relationship. 

Post # 51
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

SLOBee:  EXACTLY

Post # 52
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I also want to add that I’m bisexual myself, but when I’m in a relationship, I’m committed to my partner and keeping the blinders on.  This is not the case with him.  I would give him an ultimatum.

Post # 53
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

PLEASE DONT MARRY HIM !!!!!!!!! How many red flags do you need! Honestly I would be seeing red! That man is Clearly gay and him being defensive is proof! And if he’s on craigslist that’s cheating!! As if the porn wasn’t bad. Sweetie don’t sleep with this man you might just catch something I feel so bad for you but be strong because you will find someone who ADORES YOU! Give it time and LET HIM GO NOW 

Post # 54
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

FutureMrs.Cammack:  I’m with you on this. I almost never watch straight porn. If I do watch porn it’s almost always girl on girl. I do consider myself bi sexual but I am in a relationship with a man and enjoy sex with a man just fine. 

 

OP, I think sexuality can be many things. Not just strictly gay or straight and I do believe that as a person who identifies as bisexual that there are times when I have gone through phases of being mostly into women and then mostly into men. It’s just whatever attracts me at any given time. I also find that sometimes I do miss having a female in my life in a physical sense. This has nothing to do with not loving or wanting my SO. I find that if it goes unacknowledged it will get stronger and stronger until I acknowledge it. This can be as simple as my SO and I watching girl on girl porn together and him focusing more on oral rather than penetration for me. What this boils down to though is communication. I am open with him about my sexuality and always have been. Without being open I fear I would end up like your SO, trying to stifle a huge part of who I am. If he’s fearful of his family disapproving he needs to remember that his sexuality is none of his family’s business but it is your business because you are his partner and he should be trying to find sexual fullfillment with you. This also works both ways, it can’t just be about pleasing him, he needs to be giving too and learn to please you in the ways that work for you. 

 

Sit down and have a real honest conversation and make sure he knows your relationship is a safe place for him and in order to move forward you need to know his honest feelings on his sexuality. Go from there. But don’t try and place a strict label on him because there’s so much gray area when it comes to sexuality. 

ETA: he should under no circumstances be browsing personal ads. that’s not right no matter if he’s straight, gay, bi or otherwise. That part needs to be addressed separately. 

Post # 55
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Whatever you decide, you have a hard choice to make. Follow your intuition. Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  vee1980.
Post # 56
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I would respectfully disagree with those saying “gay, bi, doesn’t matter…”. Bi may not matter, but gay? Um, sure if you want to spend your life with someone pretending to love you in more than a platonic fashion and denying their true nature/desire until… what? The day comes when they buck up the courage to come out, end your marriage and split up a family?

I thought that in this day and age we were trying to encourage people not to lie about who and what they are, to be proud and feel safe in their orientation, knowing others support them? He may not feel safe with his family, but if he is gay he shouldn’t be using the OP to make him feel better about his preferences. It is not fair, kind or justifiable. If we can prevent these types of situations from happening in the first place, we should, because someone usually ends up getting hurt. In short, I think if OP is expecting a romantic/sexual marriage with a romantic/sexual relationship, her partner’s sexuality does matter (to her).

Though the cheating, lying and issues in bed are also big problems. I wouldn’t marry him for those (combined) issues alone.

Post # 57
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I mean if it makes you feel better, a ton of girls watch gay porn. Maybe it’s just better? Who knows.

I personally wouldn’t marry someone if I questioned their sexuality at all. Thats a huge deal

Post # 58
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

I wonder what happened to her?

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