Post # 17
Would it be better if he waited til after the wedding?
He may have just come to the realisation that he does not want kids or had been trying to convince himself that he would get over it because he loved the OP so much.
OP you guys need to have an open and honest conversation about this. And try not to be too accusatory and negatove towards him. You do not want to force him into a decision he will regret in the future especially if children are involved. There is nothing wrong with someone deciding they do not want kids. But it may mean that despite how much you love each other, you may not share the same values/marriage goals.
Post # 18
Oh geez, this is awful. I have an aunt who married a man who decided he didn’t want children.. I think it’s always made her sad. I remember being a little girl and asking her why she wasn’t a mommy like the rest of my aunts, it breaks my heart when I think of it now. She’s in her mid fifties now and I can tell it still bothers her, her nieces and nephews are growing up getting married and she misses all that. You need to be prepared to miss all the things children give you, giving up a family is not something I could do.. Not even for my Fiance who is the love of my life. I’m so sorry youre going through this. Good luck and I hope you find your answer
Post # 19
@Planningin2013: sounds like nerves and stress. I say don’t sweat it!
Post # 20
I think you should take what he said very seriously. I know it’s hard to think rationally when you’re 3 weeks from your wedding (what a dick – who does that to someone?!) but if you really want children and know you can’t live without having them, then you guys should not get married. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, I can’t even imagine. I definitely don’t think it’s stress or cold feet, etc. He’s 32 not 22, which makes me think it’s very unlikely he will change his mind.
I’m so angry for you that he dumped this on you right now. He should have told you earlier. Do you really want to marry someone that would do this to you 3 weeks before your wedding?
Post # 21
It’s important that you find out whether he really doesn’t want kids, or if this is just because of his nerves. I really want kids, so if DH didn’t, I would’ve ended our relationship a long time ago. It’s too risky to hope that someone will change their mind on it if it’s really important to you.
Post # 22
I feel like kids are pretty much the single most important thing that needs to be discussed before marriage, before a proposal even. If you really want children and he doesn’t this needs to be determined before you get married. I am dead set against having children, my fiance is well aware of this. If he all of a sudden decides he needs to have a kid, his ass will be kicked to the curb. I don’t think that kids are negotiable, especially with people that have their minds set one way or the other.
Post # 23
I agree with some previous posters, that maybe it’s just nerves about the wedding- but the downside to that is, what if it’s not? Then are you going to be stuck in a marriage with a man who truly doesn’t want kids when you do? I also agree really NOT cool to bring up 3 weeks before your marriage. Decision on having kids is a big deal and obviously something you both need to agree on. However, I suppose if he’s changed his mind, it could be changed again. Good luck on whatever you do!
Post # 24
what an a-hole! even if there is potential for him to change his mind I don’t think I’d want to marry someone who would do that! I’m so sorry you are going through this! I would be so angry.
Post # 25
He first mentioned not wanting kids three years ago. Why haven’t you been discussing it up until this point?
I do not want kids. I told SO three years ago. He said he “definitely wants at least one”. I told him I do not want to raise a kid and my mind will not be changing. I outlined my reasons for not wanting one. He outlined his (lame) reasons for wanting one; it would be interesting to see what our kid would be like, everyone has a kid and it’s part of being an adult, he always assumed he would have one…Things were shaky for a month or two. Then he said he had thouht it through like he never had before and realized he is fine not raising a child. We both value our relationship, money, free time, and current lifestyles more than we feel the need to have a kid. We were able to find a solution but it took time, conversations, and more conversations. Now it’s been over three years and we’re both still on the same page.
Post # 26
Well, he dumped the news on you at the right time–probably thinks you won’t break it off at this point because you are too far in.
Big a-hole move. I think you should take what he said in a very serious manner. It COULD be that he is just stressed, but I wouldn’t count on it. My friend’s ex would change his mind all the time. She thought she could handle the fact that he didn’t. She was willing to give up her dream of having 5 kids. The relationship ended because she FINALLY came to her senses. Now, in July, she is going to marry a man that is willing to have more children because he loves her.
Question for you: Let’s say you decided it was ok and married him anyway. How are you going to feel when your best friend becomes a mother and know you had to give that up for a man who cannot even give you an answer why?
Post # 27
this is a deal breaker. Such a deal breaker that some states will actually allow you to annul your marriage over this–not just divorce. Figure it out now before you get married.
Post # 28
Surprised at all the angst at the fiance here – he knew she wanted kids, sure, but she ALSO knew that he didn’t want kids, as of 3 years ago. He doesn’t need a reason, just like she doesn’t need one to want them. This is a communication failure on both sides… better to sort it out now than later.
Post # 29
I just think it’s really disrespectful to propose to someone you know wants kids, if you know you don’t. It implies to me that you think you can make her give up her dream of kids, or that you think she will willingly give that up for you.It’s basically saying “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but only if you change ___”
From her point of view, she may have seen it as “Well, he knows I want kids, and he is proposing…he must have come around.” She shouldn’t have made the assumption, but I think the onus rests on him primarily. Especially since, like it or not, having kids is still seen as the default once you get into a heterosexual marriage.
But both are at fault. People really need to talk this stuff to death before the wedding.
Post # 30
OP, this was the beginning of the end for my engagement. It was for the best, but really, there’s no compromise on this. Please don’t marry him unless you are in full agreement–oopsie babies are really cruel to him, and giving up your dream of motherhood is really cruel to you.
Post # 31
I find it equally disrespectful to accept a proposal on the idea that you have or will change someone… I don’t lay that blame on him any more than her. Just because his dream isn’t children doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have dreams he’d be giving up to have kids, you know? Why is it his job to protect HER dreams rather than his own? Like it or not, women tend to be the ones who are the most viscerally attached to the idea of having kids and therefore shoulder the burden of making sure their potential spouses are on the same page.
ETA: My husband wants kids, but casually. I am unsure at this point in my life. He chose to marry me knowing that kids may or may not happen, and he is 100% fine with that because he chose me with or without kids over guaranteed future kids with someone else. It is equally possible that when she accepted, he thought “she loves me and wants to be with me, no matter what”.