(Closed) Getting Married soon and fiancé told me doesn't want children

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@Planningin2013:  Sounds like he was just stressed then and had a moment of doubt, but that he is back on track for how you envisioned your future… right?

Post # 34
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Your update said that he called you this morning and apologized, said he was under stress, etc and that he knows its important to you. From the conversation you had, did it sound like he implied that he will change his mind down the road? Was that reassuring conversation?

Post # 35
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wouldn’t use this as a dealbreaker just yet.  Get married.. It’s 3 weeks away!!  See how your marriage goes…. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t.   People change their minds all the time. 

Post # 37
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Planningin2013:  I’m glad you are feeling better! Good luck with the talk on Sunday!

Post # 38
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

glad things are looking up

Post # 39
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

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@Miss Jackrabbit:  I completely agree with you. I couldn’t have said it better. lol I think that, a lot of guys get really nervous when the time gets closer, and somehow, they might say things and aren’t really sure how its affecting the woman. A phone convo isn’t going to cut it. She should definitely discuss this in person.

 

Great post!

Post # 40
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

You guys need to see a counselor.  Immediately.  It might just be stress, but saying he didn’t want to get married and then didn’t want children with a wedding planned sound like he could have been taking out some of the stress on you in a very unhealthy, hurtful way.  It might just be nerves, but if this is a non-negotiable for you, it can’t be ignored.  

Couples divorce over this issue.  It’s impossible to say that he might change his mind.  If you do marry him, you have to be prepared not to have children or to divorce and start over.

You can’t speculate as to how he’s feeling and how it might influence his desire to have children at this moment.  Even if he relents and says he does want children, I’d be afraid of him pulling this again.  You really need some impartial advice from a professional who sees these issues.  

Post # 41
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

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@Planningin2013:  I would be very cautious.  You said he was kind, but he very carelessly dropped a bomb on you about a desire to be CBC.  He knew how this would make you feel.  I’d almost be more willing to forgive him if he actually desired to be CBC and brought it up with you in a caring way.  Even if he was stressed out and it was a fleeting panic about having children, it’s something he should have thought about very carefully and approached much more gently with you.  

Please start seeing a counselor.  Preferably before the wedding.  After is good too.  My friend was going through a similar situation where her fiance was doing the “I don’t want to get married/I don’t want kids thing”.  She thought he’d change his mind, but the years started to go by and he wouldn’t set a wedding date.  When they started seeing a counselor, the “I don’t want to get married” part turned out to be true and non-negotiable.  However, the “I don’t want kids” part was tied to the “I don’t want to get married” part.  The solution for them was to have a child, but to forgo marriage.  

Post # 42
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@SQT72:  this!! You must sort this before your wedding. Not the type of thing that works itself out. Being a mother would not negotiable for me & would be a complete deal breaker. 

Post # 43
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This sucks. 🙁 I’m sorry.  At least you are learning this before the wedding and not after I guess.  I guess you need to really have a conversation with him and figure out if he is just stressed or if he really does not want childres, and then you have to do some serious reflection to decide if it is ia deal breaker for YOU.  I wish you the best and am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Post # 44
Member
6114 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Plenty of people in relationships change their minds AFTER the wedding – it happens alot.  They go into the marriage on the same page, but things can change.  Some break up over it, some find a way to stay together.  Those are the harder decisions.

But you have data on your guy BEFORE the marriage.  You need to listen to it.  Don’t try to figure out a reason (as someone said, he doesn’t need a reason to not want kids (I hate when people try to look for reasons!), just like you don’t need a reason to want kids), don’t try to label this as stress or jitters – you are just covering up the facts and that will burn you later on down the road.

Tell him you cannot imagine life without kids and you are going to have to marry someone who wants kids like you do.  Therefore the engagement is off.  Staying with him and hoping he’ll see itlike you do is not a good plan.  Staying with him and being happy whether or not you end up having kids is a plan (if you choose).

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